New Beginnings on an Open Page
- Locked due to inactivity on Oct 25, '19 3:54am
Thread Topic: New Beginnings on an Open Page
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All right, here goes.
If anyone is on, please don't interrupt right now. I need a clean string of posts to clear my head. I'll make it obvious when I'm done :) -
s--- I FORGOT TO HIDE THAT FROM RECENT POSTS
aah goddammit it's been so long since I was last on...
Okay imma paste this for real now -
I need to rant.
And when I say rant, I mean vent all the s--- that’s been accumulating over the past two months. I literally haven’t told anyone about the things I’ve been feeling. It’s just been ripping me up on the inside and I’ve only been able to barely hint at it to people I think I can trust. -
I know I’ve changed drastically. I quite honestly feel like I’ve been ripped up over the past few months. And that doesn’t even make sense because I haven’t gone through anything super traumatic, but I just need to get it out once and for all. Even if no one will read the hell I’m about to unleash.
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I would start by saying “I hate my life,” but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I definitely don’t enjoy my life, but there are a lot of good parts to it, which only serve to torment me more. It’d be a lot easier to cope if it was just a complete living hell all the time. But no, it’s in that irritating middle ground where it’s neither total happiness nor total misery. Just general suckage.
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Holy s--- there’s so much I have to say. Gods, I don’t even know where to begin…
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Well, just start with the yak in the room I guess. I don’t even know how to explain this without giving the whole story, but basically a man has in a way, unofficially, sorta become a little like my stepdad. He’s not really, and no one else would see it that way, but that’s the best way I can describe it. And I f---ing hate the guy for it.
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I hate my mom. I hate that no one else hates her. I hate that no one sees her for the f---ing b---- she is. She just works them all until they feel sorry for her and give her whatever the hell she wants. I hate what a dick she is to my dad. Sure, it’s not like my dad is that great of a person either, but he’s one hell of a lot better than she is. He at least tries to understand me and doesn’t just guilt me into doing what he wants.
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I hate this guy. I don’t even want to use his name, he disgusts me so much. I hate that my mom likes him. I hate that he’s such a f---ing goddamn wuss that I can’t say a thing to his face or he’ll start bawling like a f---ing two-year-old. I hate that he can’t just grow the f--- up. I hate that he talks nonstop. I hate that he has to give a motherf---ing commentary on everything. I hate how he watches me, stares at me, tries to talk to me about bulls--- that makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he hugs my mom. I hate that she hugs him back. I hate that my dogs like him better than they like me. I hate that he’s f---ing living at my house. I hate how he takes s---s in our bathrooms. In my bathroom. My toilet. If I can even call it that. I’ve never had a bathroom of my own. Everyone else just thinks they can s--- in it whenever the bloody f--- they want to. I hate that he reads our magazines in the bathroom and leaves them out of order when he’s done. I hate that he has to listen to music all the goddamn time. I hate that he sings like a walrus and plays that goddamn harmonica right outside my f---ing bedroom window. I hate that my mom won’t let me talk about how f---ing irritating he is. I hate that my dad has been guilted into not letting me vent about him either. I hate that he cries so f---ing much. I hate that I’m supposed to feel sorry for him just because he had a rotten childhood and his wife was a dick to him. I hate that his f---ing hairy ass hangs out of his pants. I hate that he puts butter on everything. I hate that he only wants to drink tepid water. I hate that he drinks everything in one swig. I hate that he can burp at the table all he wants and I can’t. I hate that he wants me to pray for the food every goddamn meal. I hate the whole mealtime prayer ritual anyway. It’s so f---ing fake and legalistic that I just want to stab everyone in the ass every single meal. I hate that he eats meals with us. I hate the way he just gobbles the s--- down and practically eats his weight for dinner, and breathes loud and slurps it like he’s gonna die if he doesn’t. I hate how he uses the word “yummy” to describe everything. I hate that he offers to take my plate at the end of the meal. I hate that he even eats with us at all. I just hate him. I hate him so much. I hate that he’s living with us. I hate that people know he’s living with us. It’s all just so f---ed up. I hate this.
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I don’t think I’ve ever sworn so much in my life. This is only the beginning, though. I’m starting to feel a little better, but I’ve just been so angry lately that it’s hard to even express all the s--- I’m mad at. I really can be normal most of the time. Or act like it at least.
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Really I don’t hate anything else, but I’m still not happy with the way things are. Actually, no. Never mind, I do hate something else.
I hate myself.
I hate how I can’t just f---ing control myself and do the s--- I’m supposed to. I hate that I’m addicted to the stupidest stuff and just keep spiraling downward without stopping. I hate that I’m not strong enough to fight all this. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I’m lazy. I hate that I’ve lost to myself. I hate everything, and yet I love it at the same time. I don’t get it. -
Okay, something a little less depressing. At least I’m not lonely. Well, not technically. I’ve still isolated myself from people and I really wish I wasn’t, but I have people I can actually f---ing talk to for once. I’m in a 14-person chat on a website that my mom lets me be on. She doesn’t known about the chat yet, and honestly I think she’d kill me if she found out. She’d definitely at least block the website. She’s done that before with other sites. But anyway, for the moment this 14-person chat is kind of nice. It’s nice to have actual friends that you can laugh and joke and horse around with, but also be serious with and bare your soul to, at least a little bit. It’s so weird that GTQ was practically my lifeline for so many years, and now I might have weaned myself off of it. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Everything’s just so confusing right now. I know I’m rambling and I don’t make sense, but at least I’m blowing off steam and starting to feel better.
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I hate that people keep asking me if I’m going to get a job. I hate how that one person keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend. Everyone says she’s just teasing me, but I think there’s more to it. And it’s hard because there are a few guys that I do like. A lot. One in particular, but it’s like he’s off limits. I sent him a friend request on the website I mentioned, and he didn’t accept it. Now he didn’t accept anyone’s friend request on that website, but it still hurt. Like he didn’t want me. And I thought we were friends, but I’m probably just too f---ing fat and immature for him. Oh well. My loss, not his. There’s billions of guys in the world, and there are a few others I’m interested in, but not all that seriously. It’s just annoying when just about everyone my age and even younger is dating, even pursuing marriage at 15 or 16, and here I am with no one. Granted, I really don’t want anyone because I don’t think I could ever handle marriage, but still… oh gods, it’s just so messed up. I’m so messed up. I don’t even know what I want anymore.
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I hate how people treat me like I’m a f---ing goddess. Just because I’m good at memorizing and taking tests doesn’t mean anything. And you could at least congratulate me for doing well, not give me that s--- about how that’s what you expected all along. You little s---s, do you even realize how that makes me feel? I work my ass off all f---ing summer, pull 1st place in the nation when I hadn’t expected it, and then all you a--holes just act like that’s what I would have done anyway? Just because I’m a “celebrity” and have done well every year? Who the f--- cares about that? I put a lot of work into this, way more than I should, and what’s my reward? People just acting like it’s no surprise? Gods, you guys are impossible. I wish I could just win this year and get it all over with, but then part of me knows it’s wrong to get my hopes up.
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And I think I already covered this, but I hate how weak I am. Last year I was still irresponsible, but I was able to compartmentalize and pull myself away from my distractions, to put my mind to work and actually be diligent. Now, it’s like I can’t stop myself. I know it’s wrong, that it wastes time, but I do it anyway. I’m still doing it. I’m doing it right now. I’ve tried and tried to pull myself back together, but every attempt fails more miserably than the last.
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