Batman's Cave
Thread Topic: Batman's Cave
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The world right at the moment.
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Meaning?
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Haft tempted to say "f--- it" and go drink bleach.
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What?
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Will you please listen for what I want for once? I don't want to leave. Nick was speaking about getting wifi for all of us, then he remembered by the end of the month I won't be here. But he's thinking for the best of his children. And like I have said, I am not in the equation. And I'm not in the equation in your life, Mom. You can shove another variable into an equation when there is only meant to be a certain amount before it's incapable of being solved. You cannot shove me into there. You can try all you want, Mom, but there won't be any sense to it anymore. All it will be are letters and numbers pushed together. That's all it will be.
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I can't breathe. I just had a break down in the bathroom. It's the first time I actually cried that hard over me being kicked out. I don't want to leave. I'll be different. I can't leave. But Nick wants me to. My own brother wants be to leave.
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Mom, did you get my email? I understand if you won't jump at the idea, but I honestly think that I am not ready to move in with you, same with Betty. By the end of the month I will utterly be out on my ass. Nick kept saying my decisions are: Carolyn, You, or Grandma. So much for choices. I love you mom, don't get me wrong, but I am absolutely terrified I will go back to the person I once was when I was with you. Yes, i get it. You are changing. Eric is changing. I am changing. But we can go back to that. It's not set in stone. A memory, or just an environment will change that.And I know you don't want me to go back to the way I once was. Always unstable, and the thought of suicide always clouded my mind. I couldn't see straight. I was blindfolded, attempting to make decisions. Attempting to make myself better. But it was always futile. I kept thinking I was getting better, but it all was a placebo. Thinking that if I do this, I will get better. But I wasn't. I was getting worse and worse, and I wasn't aware of it. It was as if you were in an experiment, a controlled experiment. With controlled, independent, and dependent variables. And it was a test to see if who reacted with which pill. One half was given nothing, it was a pill, but no affect. The other half was actually the drug, and they would see who would react. Some always think they received that pill, even though it wasn't it. So they would have their mind under the influence without actually being under the influence. And in the end, nothing happened. That's me mom. I continued to think that I received that pill, when I actually didn't.
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(Hugs you tightly.)
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There a Hell going on inside my mind. And I? I am losing miserably. I haven't cried over this, until now. And the tears? They won't stop. All the emotions. All that hatred. All that anger. All that pain. All the tears. It's taking control of me and I can't even do anything. All I can is endure this f---ing pain. I'm being ripped in half. I'm breaking. Worse than before. I'm going back to who I once was, and I hate it. I hate when I was that way. But I'm going back. I hate it. I hate it. And I don't know what to do. What can I do? What the f--- can I possibly do? Nothing. I'm not in control. Not anymore.
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*hugs*
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Why are they kicking you out? (If I may ask) I mean, they can't just kick you out for no good reason, because technically, that is illegal and they could go to jail.
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-hugs-
-hugs Jinxy-
My brother needs a bedroom for his children. And he needs to think of his children, evidently not me. -
*hands you a tissue*
That's not a good, stable legitimate reason though. When my biological mom stayed with us, me and my sister had to share a bedroom. Your brother, can't just kick you out for 'more space for his kids'. -
I understand, he takes care of his kids. But god f---ing damnit. If I go back to mom's. I won't last. I hardly lasted there! When I'm at Nick's...yes there's not much food but at least I'm treated somewhat alright.
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