My OFFICIAL thread
Thread Topic: My OFFICIAL thread
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Alright, I understand.
Thanks, heh...
Yeah, my dad came home so I can't be on when my parents are around...
Okay. -
wth? I'm eating chocolate covered pretzels and they're just normal pretzels with chocolate on them, even with salt and everything, yet they taste really good O_o
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AlexsysKing Newbieim back0o0 im scared......
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AlexsysKing Newbiethere was a spider in my f---ing shower!!!!!
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Okay, I am going to make this as clear as I possibly can..
Alex, it has been very nice knowing you, but I wish I never met you in the first place.... now I look at all this... and I go back though all the millions of thread pages.... and... I shouldn't have even existed here.... I never even had any purpose.... I fell in love with the person here, but sadly, that is as shallow as having a crush on a character in a book... I want to say that I hate you, because I know what if I do and I believe it then it will make things easier, but I don't know that I do... I screwed up so many things over a person who never even cared and I hate myself with passion for that. You were so happy... and I was just an annoying ,temperamental, idiotic utopian girl who didn't even care to make any friends and was too blind to see the most basic of things.... I am absolutely done. I am sick of this all. I am done trying to help you, and I swear if you ever try to speak to me again I will hurt you in the worst ways. Stay away from me and do not email me or attempt to contact me anymore. I am going to attempt to get my account banned so I can leave with the peace of knowing that you won't have any residual files of my existence or my incompetence ... you have no idea how extreme i mean when I tell you that I have wrecked everything over this; I wrecked my grades, (I failed math, even though I was acing the class up until two months ago) I am giving up four hundered dollars by breaking my curfew ever night, I have wrecked my dignity, my emotional stability , my candor, my relationship with Christ, my joy, my parents trust, my sanity, and all of you guys by trying to be here. I knew what I was asking when I told you to hurt me in the worst ways to get me to leave. I HAD to go, and my foolish little girl side didn't want to, so I was asking g you to save us both a headload of heartache by ripping me away quickly. I am so sorry I let all this go on for so long... I ruined everything.... and I refuse to let this stand for another moment. I will talk to you on a secondary account tonight if you would like, but I am going to spam the place getting people to get me banned on my main accounts. I don't care how blunt this sounds, but I never wanted Ali back, I just wanted to take away your heartache and that was the only way to do it... I wanted to see you happy again...but since I can't do that I don't have any purpose, there is no reason for me to be here since I am just an inconsiderate nobody and you are an emotional wreck, I need to stop this before I hurt either one of us anymore. -
How many f---ing times do I have to say this, ???
YOU
NEVER
HURT
ME.
Now leave if you want. Leave me here to crash and burn. Leave me here to rot in exile, GO AHEAD, you hate me and thats all that matters. Or maybe I should just leave.I'm not wanted anyway, and you're not the only one who has wrecked their parents trust by being on this damn site. I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON NOW, SO CAN'T THE STORY JUST END? OF COURSE NOT! JUST LEAVE WHY DON'T YA AND LEAVE IN THE MOST ANNOYING WAY TOO! I GUESS I REALLY DON'T MATTER! I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET IT THROUGH THAT I CARE, AND I ALWAYS DID LOVE YOU, AND WAS ALWAYS f---ING HONEST AS POSSIBLE WITH YOU, AND SAW YOU IN THE CORRECT LIGHTING UNLIKE YOURSELF, BUT OBVIOUSLY I'M EVEN MORE OF A dumb--- THAN I THOUGHT I WAS! So what, I just need to fade into the black?? I ain't a quitter no matter how much you think I am, the only thing I've given up hope on is finding Alli, and my happiness. Do you see now what I meant when I always called her "My Hope"?? You were the last one that can save me and you just give up like that? What a not quitter you are!
Now if I just had my damn pocket knife I swear... -
I Don't CARE! NOT About YOU, Not about ANYONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ! I don't care how awful this sounds be use you said it before me, but, you never knew what it was like to have a normal life and to fight though normal problems . I MISS THST. I HATE ALL THIS! I sit want to exist to you anymore. I am sick of this! AND WAS TOO SHALLOW! I have spent the ENTIRE afternoon looking though your thread trying to find some info on Ali, and do you know what I found?! I found a boy who was happy in spite of problems be use he had someone who he loved and a shallow girl who wouldn't respond to people's questions and wss ignorant in every way possible, I found a girl who was obnoxious and worst than that slut you keep for company now days. I dot get how you can't see all this !! And none of this is your fault either! It was always my fault, my idiotcy that drew ,etc under the line and I hate myself for that. I was an attention absorbed little brat who wanted one persons attention so she went though desperate measures to get tjst. Tha it's why I am an undeserving little b---- who needs to rot in an cell, I don't even deserve the comfort of an asylum. I have been looking for Ali for days, and do you think it doesn't hurt me to look through a million photos of the girl you love knowing I can never bring her back and just resorting to wondering what the hell was so amazing about her? I don't flipping care how hurtful or blunt I am, I have been a deceptive liar for too long, I dot car how much honesty hurts... and you called her YOUR hope, AND then you go off to tell me that I was the only one who could save you?! Talk about contradiction... and you're right, I am a quiter! I AM A HOPELESS QUITER WHO IS DONE with life and is probably about as.... heh, maybe thee are some extremes I won't mention...
I am a step ahead of you, all of last night.... it was really hard to get the red stains out of everything... -
IT WAS MY DAMN FAULT AND YOU f---ING KNOW IT! THIS WHOLE DAMN THING WAS STARTED BECAUSE OF MY s---TINESS AND HOW MUCH OF A dumb--- I AM FOR EVEN TRYING. And there is no point in looking for Alli, so why the motherf---ing hell are you even trying anymore?? I hurt you Savannah, not the other way around! Before you and I were really friends, everything was fine with you! I was the cause of the downfall of your life, and I really do wish I'd never been born, because this happens too often! I hurt people too much! You're not the only one I've brought down! You were never any of that bulls---, I brought down a beautiful, talented young girl to my level of damnation and self pity, And I deserve to die because of it, because of all this s---! And yes, you are the only one that can save me from the pain that flickered into existence when Alli was ripped away from me. She may have been the one, she may have been woven into my very being but now THAT, IS, GONE! you're the only one that can even come close to filling the gap in me that she left, but of course you don't give a s---! YOU are the one who doesn't understand!
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What the hell do you want me to say!?! Do you want me to say it was totally your fault and you are absolutely right.!? I will if you want because can't take this anymore.... I was never okay though, I have been screwed over even be free I can here, I am sick of denying myself that. My problems and s---tiness is the only reason I felt so emotional I had to lie and over exaggerate over everything to the point where it became real. It isn't your fault that I was too selfish and had to do crazy things just to try to get your attention that you were already giving me. I am the only flipping reason any of this is happening right now and YOU know it. And it can't be like that, not right now... I am not even worth being any sort of beacon of safety, if you are seeing safety by me then you are out of your depths. If she is woven into your being then she isn't gone, that isn't the way the world works. YOU THINK I DON'T CARE! ALEX, I CARE MUCH! And again with my s---tiness, *sigh* here is one of the only reasons I am so angry right now... but I am not angry at you, I am just delusional right now.Alex, do realize that I love you more than you could imagine, and that you have always been ,you friend and nothing can change that. But, well.... something deep inside my mind has convinced me that you are erm, mentally retarded... I don't know how it happened, I mean, I would have never thought that so I don't know where that notion is coming from... I always thought you were really intelligent and cool... but this voice has me convinced that you are the total opposite and that I only couldn't see that be use I was too... and Tha it's why I am over here sobbimhg uncontrollable. All my life, all my life I have always been grouped in with the mentally slow and undesirable outcasts.... I hate it... I'm mean, it's not that I am not friends with those people, but you have no idea how much it kills me when I think I am worth more than the label of those people... it brings up an injustice in me and I have and will go absolutely unreasonable preaching equality and my own very reasonable contention on popularity, judging, and friemdship... I have it all down... but when I don't have it down, and I can't fend for myself I will and have turned my back on my friends just to make a point to say that I don't fit the label you have given me.
I hate it so much. I hate being considered remedial and an outcast... I used to be identical to the cliche of the popular kids, and I could fit into their groove with ease, but I gave that up because I believe to an extremist condition that I should be unique and unyielding to society. And as far as remedial, I don't know where they are getting that from because I was an immaculate student! I used to ace everything! I blame it on my mother... my mom stopped giving af about or work ethic five years ago because we went under in finances and she had to take on a job outside of homeschooling so she couldn't stand by us 24/7 like she used to and we all lost our work ethic and quality of work... when I went to public school it was hard as hell to get it back up and my first impression under the class was as a idiotic remedial student and I was always branded with the mentally redundant... in fact once they put me in arc with those kids because I had no idea what we were doing in math (due to the fact that I hadn't learned it in homeschool and they were reviewing it on that day.) People have neve r looked st me the same and I hate it.I hate this all so much... it hurts me to think that I might have never gotten out of that stupid snare and that maybe I always have been that stupid retarded kid....
I am so hurt and afraid of this that I fletch onto the faintest signs - even if they don't exist- that someone can be wrecking the way the world views me... I don't know why... I am such a hypocrite... saying I dgaf about the world or society but then going in and wrecking you only friendships because I am afraid they will damage the way the world sees me... what a loathsome delusional hypocrite I am.... -
Heh, that that always been my biggest problem... I have always feared being rejected and told I am not worth someone... the only person right now who I am not worth is you... I don't know kw how I deluded myself to think otherwise .
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I am such a doche. What sort of dammed creature even brings up the self-centered, hurtful, conversations I do! I am so sorry... I don't know how to assure you that everything in there is just my hardest spiritual battle and most of it is just abstract ideas Tha thane taken from over a gran of sand and is now a massive boulder....
I might have to go...
Sorry. -
See, thats just how I am. One minute I'm yelling at my parents about how I don't care what other people think if me and then I go to school and feel like s--- because I'm treated like a newb crybaby who doesn't know a damn thing about people and it brings me down...at least I'm out of that hellhole...
All I ever wanted from you or anyone else is to have the kind of friendship that I see everone else having, but then I try and...it just all goes down in flames... -
Yeah.... do you understand? Do you understand how I have felt my entire life!? I thought I was over that obstacle ... I guess I wasn't...
That sort to friendship doesn't exist. -
So have I...
Then why the f--- do I see everyone else in one? -
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