IT MUST BE DONE
Thread Topic: IT MUST BE DONE
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I feel its my purpose to make others feel better because it’ll make me feel like a better person
But it doesn’t
And im terrible at it anyways
I like animals
They dont speak
They dont say things you dont want to hear
The just make cute noises and comfort you
Toucans are so adorable
I’d love to hold a toucan and touch its beak
This is slightly helping talking about all this but its not going to get rid of the problem
Its just a delay -
I’ve wasted half my life on art
It’s never going to bring me anything a better job could have brought
If i was athletic i could have gotten into a more physical job
If i was more into machines i could have gotten a job as a mechanic or something
But my stupid ass chose art
And im not even good enough to make money off it
I wasted my whole school life on this garbage for mediocre results at best -
Of course other people are going to say its good but thats not the point
I’ve chosen the hobby that most people are never satisfied with
So now im stuck being meh at a hobby that torments me eternally because im constantly thinking I’ll never be good enough at it
Im f---ing retarded
At least I wasn’t dumb enough to go to college for animation and didn’t fund that preemptive dumpster fire -
There’s things I’ve been thinking about for the past few days and i cant even post them here
Im afraid people will see them and tell the people im thinking about
They’ll think im weird
I might hurt someones feelings
I dont even know why im typing this up because its only going to cause suspicion if someone reads this
I just need it out somewhat, even if only a little
Seth said I’ve matured but i still dont see how
Im still as dependent on people as i ever have been -
I know people care about me
I appreciate that
A lot of people dont have friends like i do
But its such a struggle to not
Hhhh
I just
I dont know how to control all these emotions i have
They’re not lustful
They aren’t with malice intent -
Sometimes i feel like im better off alone despite my deep need for a significant other
That way no one has to deal with my flip flop bipolar bulls---
I wish i was pretty and photogenic like mei or momo
At least i could have confidence in that
But i dont have that either -
Whoever the f--- made me gave me a good heart and a good mom
Thats about it
My emotions are so out of control I’d probably unintentionally emotionally hurt my SO if i was lucky enough to have one
Or maybe I’d no longer feel like this and it’d be okay
I hate talking about drugs
Crack, weed, ect
All just
I dont know
Its other peoples business to do what they want
Im no law enforcer
I just dont like people doing it because i dont think they need it
But some do i guess
I dont know
I dont know
I dont know much. I’ve gone so f---ing soft over the years
i used to be smarter, at least, to a degree -
I want to sleep but i have dnd in a few minutes
Why of all days did all this f---ING s--- have to happen today
I need to stop
Stop what? I dont know
But this is all making me start to cry
And im not going to put it on someone else again
Its not their concern to help me through my mental illness and retardation -
Im not going to concern Jill or Seth or Ben with this s--- show of a thought process
I hope i dont crumble on that promise
But im so weak willed
I have nothing to live for
No one to live for
No ambition to do anything with my life other than collect these kids toys and make money
Im just going along with the motion of the river and im constantly about to go over the waterfall into a watery grave
And i hate swimming -
Its been less than a month and im already doing the
The thing i cant say
Were they ever genuine
Or am i just fickle and indecisive
I cant help it
Its not my fault
None of this is my fault
I didn’t make me
I didn’t ask for all of this
What is there to look forward to
Why should i keep going on -
Thats what it really boils down to
What is there to look forward to
Why should i keep moving on
There isn’t
And I shouldn’t
I should just give up and die in the streets or something -
Sure some people will miss me i guess
But in all due time, ill fade away and they’ll get along with their lives
The pain only lasts so long -
But so does the happiness
Its just purpetual sadness and happiness
Never ending pain
A vicious cycle -
Whoever is reading this is rolling their eyes
Im so f---ing pathetic man -
I should have just taken a nap instead of trying to draw s---
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