I need some feedback, please.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:20pm
Thread Topic: I need some feedback, please.
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Okay so this is two chapters from a book I'm trying to write and I'd like to know if they're good and if they're too short for chapters. :/ I could really use help. Don't steal my idea. The first is the opening of the book and the second part is where the love intrest is introduced.
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My mother screamed and slammed the front door. 6:27, start of the day and already another fight. What would she do to spoil herself this time? A hotel that we can't afford? Buy enough alcohol to start another wine cellar? Running to an "old friend's" house? I went in my room, already breaking into tears. I got my journal from under my bed's mattress. Got in another fight with mom. I wrote. Apparently not being all happy, smiley twenty-four seven is now a crime. She also b----ed about how antisocial I am. Geez, maybe it's ecause they all ditched me for Benila. She's such a brat. Why are all the pops so, so. . .cruel? I paused for a moment. I rolled up the sleeve of my yellow sweater to reveal several scars. Funny. Te color yellow symbolizes happiness,yet I'm miserable. I tried to count my cuts, but failed. So many small pains etched into my skin as permanent reminders of my years of misery and suffering. Now I've never liked bright colors, so why wear yellow? The sweater is the last reminder I possess of my father's existence in my life.
I concealed my memories and used my sleeve to wipe away a tear. I had lost my father last year to the war in Iraq. His body was never found. I smiled slightly as milled of memories flashed through my mind. I focused on one particularly.
***
It was the summer of 2009. August fourth, 12:39 to be exact. Our last summer as a family. "Mom, dad?" I asked suddenly, unsure about sharing my epiphany.
"Yes, Ophelia?" my father responded. He, and my mother at this point in my life, was the only one that I felt truly careda me.
"Yes, dear?" my mother pressures after a few minutes passed in silence.
"I have a perfect memory. " I confessed. I recently discovered this.mwell, I guess I always knew, but didn't realize it.
"How so?" mom asked. She was now very interested in the subject. Before, I had never believed I possessed a talent. Mother always tried to convince me I did, but it was "hiding".
"Well I can remember most of my past. Things most people are too young to remember. For instance,I remember my birthday. It was June twelfth, 12:45 pm. I remember hearing the docotor say that. It was docotor Emett Jackson. I was wrapped in a pure white towel. I-"
"Ophelia, we get it." my father cut me off gently snugged me.
"This is wonderful!" my mother exclaimed.
I smiled.
***
My phone started buzzing, ihad stopped crying and my eyes were bone dry. Not for long. I started to tear up again. I wanted to stay there. Somewhat happy, young, innocent to the problems of r world. I checked my phone. 6:45. Time to start walking to school. We couldn't afford the bus so walk it was, everyday. I got my bag and started on my way.
End chapter one
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So that's why I'm here. I thought, finished replying what just happened in my head. I sighed with my feet crossed, against the wall. I made it about ten paces out of the office before Mr. Mason called after me, "In school suspension! If you skip it's expulsion!" then slammed his office door behind me.
I heard footsteps approaching and tuned in the plastic orange chair, dropping my feet. Seriously?! One day I get in trouble he has to see me?! I thought, panicked. The butterflies were waking from their nest in my stomach as he walked by. The most perfect guy I've ever meg and possibly in the world. Sean Randals. He was holdi a blue ripe meaning he'd come to get a drink of water. See the school uses color coded rope to save money instead of paper passes. I buried my head in my hands, feeling exposed. In trouble and in gym clothes.
They stopped for a second, but I noticed they never faded. A chuckle. I picked up my head. "What?" I asked, confused and irritated.
He chuckled again. "Ophelia Socorro, never thought I'd see you here."
I glanced around me, taking in my setting. "In front of the guidance councilor's office?" I pondered with the smallest smile known to man, scratch that, to the world.
He grinned. "You can be funny." he stated. Glance towards me. Sean continued. "I was referring to how you're in trouble."
I sat there with my mouth agape. "What makes you assume I'm in trouble." I challenged, of course, I totally was, but what made him assume that first?
His eyes, those uniquely gorgeous eyes, flicked between me and the office door a few times before landing on me. "I don't suppose you're waiting for Mr. Beck" he said.
I looked to my left, the door to Mr. Beck's office, it was open, but he was nowhere to be seen. "No," I mumbled quietly.
Sean smirked. "ISS?" he asked sympathetically.
I nodded.
He glanced at his wrist where a thin, black leather watch was. "That sucks ass, man." he told me with a grimmace. "I gotta go back t class, sorry." Sean turned to leave, but hesitated. "Got some paper and a pen?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Sorry."
He put his arm behind me. Before I could say something, he pulled my pen from my pony tail. With a smirked asked, "Forgot about this, didn't you?" then he took my hand and scribbled on my arm.
When he let go, I turned my head to examine the dark greening, it was a phone number, I looked at him quizzically.
"I'm probably going to hear the story, a story, about why you're here, but I'd like to hear the truth. From you. plus, you're pretty chill. See you around!" he saluted and turned once again.
I found my voice "What about your drink?" I asked softly,
I don't believe he heard me. I found my voice late. He kept walking, but that was okay. I sighed happily and continued to examine the number.
End chapter four
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Sam23 NewbieLove it! Although there were many spelling and grammer errors.
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@Sam it's because of what I'm typing on. :/ what were the grammar errors?
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Sam23 NewbieI don't remember, it's somewhere in there. It might've just been because of what you're typing on. And yeah, I do understand that it was what you're typing on, considering there were alot of simple spelling errors that I make when I type on a dsi.
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I'm on an iPad. Meaning no keyboard! D: it's okay most times though.
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Sam23 NewbieYeah, I know what you mean. Ipads are hard to type alot of stuff at once on.
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I hate typing on IPads and touch screens. Keyboards are for me! :)
VERY IMPRESSIVE!! Though like Sam said, many gramatical errors.
When I see people spell bad (like text talk and not mis spells) it makes me think the person is stupid.
Luckily, I know you're smart and not a moron. So its cool! :) -
I hate typing on IPads and touch screens. Keyboards are for me! :)
VERY IMPRESSIVE!! Though like Sam said, many gramatical errors.
When I see people spell bad (like text talk and not mis spells) it makes me think the person is stupid.
Luckily, I know you're smart and not a moron. So its cool! :) -
Ugh...double post. Sorry!
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@Sage some of the things are just the way the character talks. Like "pops" is what she says instead of "popular" as in popular people. Andim horrible with grammar, could you point out some of the mistakes?
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Sam23 NoviceWe could be your editers! :D
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@Sam yeah. I guess. I still need to know what's grammatically incorrect so I can fix it. >:/
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*because they all ditched
Millions of memories
Cared about me
Well, I guess
Cut me off gently and hugged
I had stopped crying
Innocent to the problems of the world
~~~~~~~~~~
He was holding a blue rope
I gotta go back to class
With a smirk he asked
Examine the dark green ink. It was a phone number. -
This is a very solid start. Watch your grammar; there are numerous mistakes. You aren't obligated to fix those until the editing stage, but I like to edit and write during the same period of time. That's just my way of doing things. I'd say that they're a decent length, though more description about her father's death may be in order, unless you plan on diving into that later on in the story. Readers get very curious about dark pasts or deaths, and leaving it hanging is probably not the best idea. Seeing as these are shorter chapters, you should either try to balance them out with longer chapters or keep all of them relatively short; just have an abundance of them. So far so good... I still think you might need to add a bit more emotion to it. Maybe change around the wording a bit... Just to give that connection that readers strive for. For me it was lacking, but that might just be because of my blasted migraine. You seem to have a plethora of fragments, or unfinished sentences, within this. Though they can be very effective for conveying emphasis, it would be preferable to tone down their usage a bit. Only use a fragment once in a blue moon to get your point across or drive an emotional knife into the readers' heart. Not literally, of course. I suggest going back, rereading, and seeing where a fragment sounds appropriate and when it doesn't. If you need help with that, I'd be happy to lend a hand.
Over all, this is a very solid start. You've got me interested, and that's what you should strive for. Keep the readers interested and wanting to read more. If you have any further questions, or faster feedback for times when I'm not online here, you can email me at the following address:
lanakiwi @ yahoo.com (No spaces.)
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