.. I don't know what to call this.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:17pm
Thread Topic: .. I don't know what to call this.
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Been feeling sad lately..
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I don't have anything left of you, but the memories, and your silly pink pajama shirt. I can't remember the ways your eyes shined when you saw me, or the way you had styled your hair for my kindergarten culmination.
In fact, frankly said.. I can't remember anything that happened before other big brother never came back from the army.
He was your twin. It hurt for you a lot to lose him. I'd hear you cry everyday for him. You'd cry for 'Ferny', my big brother I didn't know.
My big sister would keep me away from you when you cried. She'd tell me that you wanted to be alone. But I'd resist and tell her to let me see you. Her grip would tighten and she'd tell me no, in a clear, stern voice. So I obeyed. I didn't bother you.
But it hurt to hear you cry, even if I don't remember you well. I wanted to help, but I didn't know how painful it really was.
But on the days you didn't cry, you were happy. You'd play with me until mom would come home. At dinner, we'd eat together, all of us laughing. Though I knew you felt empty, because he wasn't beside you anymore. He wasn't there to play football or to talk to when you had problems. You felt all alone.
I was too young to understand. I'd try to make you happy. Sometimes I thought you were feigning sadness. But you'd just smile weakly and tell me to go play with big sister.
One day, when I was older, you told me goodbye in the morning. I was too sleepy to ask where you were going. I didn't know you were leaving.
When I grew restless, I asked where you were. Mama looked at me, her eyes going from the dishes to me. "Alicia, he's gone to college. Remember?"
I remembered you saying something about a big school. I didn't know you were leaving, though.
"When is he coming back?" I asked, hopeful that it was only a day that he would be gone.
"A few years, honey."
I remember the grief that had risen up in my chest. I remember wondering who was going to take care of you while you were alone. I wondered if you were going to feel lonely there, like you did here.
Sometimes, you visited. Every time you came, you seemed even more sad. Sometimes you wouldn't even smile.
Big sister and I grew older. We counted as days passed into months, and as time passed, you visited less. We missed you a lot.
One day, you came smiling. It was the day before New Year's Eve. You told us that you'd be returning home soon. I was happy. Big sister was happy. Mama and Papa were happy.
So we waited for tomorrow. You did come. You celebrated with us as we counted down to the new year. When it came, you cheered and hugged and kissed us all. I didn't know it would be the last time you ever touched me.
You left the next day to get us food from the market. I was asleep. Mama had woken me out of sleep suddenly. She told me something terrible had happened to you. Everything that happened was a blur. I only remember big sister crying while we walked into the hospital.
Everything stayed blurry. I can just barely remember when Mama began to cry and say "He's with his other now.. Esta en paz.."
I didn't understand. Only when I noticed that you never visited us again, did I ask big sister. She's stare at me with her blue eyes, and say, "He's gone to heaven."
I remember not wanting to believe. I felt horrible, but I never cried for you. When I felt sad, I'd imagine you with beautiful wings and white clothing. I'd imagine you with your bright smile, with my other older brother who you loved so much.
Maybe you were happy now. Maybe right now, you're laughing with him.
What I know for sure, is that you were very important to what remained to our family. Since you left, everything broke apart. Mama stopped caring. Papa never listened to us anymore. Big sister and I grew distant. I felt cold.
Even the neighbor from Spain was quiet. Sometimes he'd come with a flower, and he'd give it to me and try to make me feel better. But never again did he offer to play with me, or never did he even come to bother me. When he's come visit me, he'd come with simple gifts for me to try to make me feel better.
But honestly, I didn't understand.
Only now, so many years after you've gone, I feel the loneliness. Big sister has gone to college. The boy from Spain has become my boyfriend.
Mama and Papa do not favor me.
So many things have changed, so much time has passed, but though I know that I must let go of the ridiculous notion.. I plead that one day, you will come back to say hello, once more, and to bring our family back together.
And maybe you'd bring your twin back, too. -
Oh my god, I teared up reading this. The way you write is so beautiful, yet I can feel the emotion behind it all. I know for a fact he's in heaven, with his twin, in complete peace and happiness. I know it. And I just... know how terrible it would be to lose someone you love. It's my greatest fear. But I'm confident he's in peace. And someday we'll both be there as well, and I'll hope you'll introduce me to them. x)
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Thank you. Thank you so much Ana. What you said means a lot to me. :'3 *hugs*
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Anytime. *hugs* I'm glad. :3
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That was...beautiful.
I know we're not close, and I know I'm not really part of your inner circle, but here are a few words. Take them to heart, if you will, but I just thought you deserved to hear them.
If this is true, if these things really happened, then you are by far the strongest of them all. You're young: plenty of grief is expected later on, but now? Now shouldnt have been the time. Or anytime before that, as it seems.
I'm sorry for your loss: I choked up reading this. Not exagerating. It's sad what's happened and like Ana said, it's not easy to lose someone you love.
But you're just...so strong. So strong to handle this, so strong to carry on. Not move on, but carry on. Alice, your brothers are in heaven. They look down, see your bright, young face and can't help but smile. Smile at the bright future ahead of you, smile at the beautiful work of art you have become. I might not really, truly know you, but I would have loved to.
Death is a new beginning, not an end's end. They live on, somewhere else, watching over you worry free: they know you're going to turn out okay. They just know it.
Stay strong, Alice. Stay strong.
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