Short Story
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 29, '20 3:54am
Thread Topic: Short Story
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This is my embedded assessment, (a test) and I had to write a short story. I just wanted to share it with you all.
WARNING
This is pretty dark, contains death, & other bad stuff
A sigh escaped Haisley's mouth, as she watched a fish swim about in a pond. A small giggle leaked out, as the fish hit a small rock. It then looked up at her. Its eyes were cold and unmoving, practically lifeless. Feeling betrayed, Haisley stuck her tongue out at the fish. Frightened, the fish swam to the bottom of the pond, leaving the girl to her thoughts.
"Well, I'd better be leaving too," Haisley sighed as she stood up, brushing off her legs "Mom might kill me if I stay out too late." As she started down the worn wooden path, she suddenly burst into tears. Her legs buckled under her and she fell to the ground.
For about half an hour, she sat there and wept. She didn't know why, but she had become overwhelmed with feelings of such self-hatred and pity. She couldn't stop weeping or stop feeling so worthless.
Swinging a stick she found, Haisley walked down the path. As she took a step, she took a swing. Step, swing. Step, swing. This continued for a while until she arrived at her house. Without speaking, making eye contact, or even waving, Haisley climbed the stairs up to her room.
As she made her way to her bed, Haisley unzipped her hoodie. She took it off and tossed it to the floor. The bed creaked as the teen sat down, kicking off her shoes. The room was quiet, and nothing moved. It felt as if the world had grown still. Haisley laid down and curled up. Tears leaked from her eyes quietly and consistently, and she became still again.
Something touched Haisley on the thigh, pressing against it. This made her jump up. only to see her kitten.
"Hi Jack" Haisley smiled as she stroked the feline. He was only a few weeks old, and his fur was a dark grey. The small animal had been dubbed Jack. He meowed as he climbed onto Haisley's chest, and snuggled into her neck. Sighing, the girl accepted Jack wasn't going to move off her.
"Haisley. Sweetie, wake up" was whispered as her mother shook her awake. It was dark out, as well as the weekend. Sitting up, Haisley yawned. She rubbed her eyes before setting down Jack.
"Yeah, mom? What's up?" She asked as her mother began to rub her arm.
"I made food. Josh is already down at the table, setting it up. I just wanted to let you know" her mother spoke in a hushed, gentle tone.
Haisley smiled and nodded "Okay, ma. I'll be down in a sec." Her mom kissed her on the forehead and then left her room. Haisley exhaled and looked at Jack. Still a bit tired, Jack meowed. He followed his owner as she put on slippers and headed downstairs.
The two of them entered the kitchen, Haisley heading to make Jack some dinner. He climbed on the counter, sniffing at the can of wet cat food. Haisley smiled as she emptied the can into a bowl. She threw away the can and washed her hands, before going to sit down.
Laid before her was a great feast. This consisted of macaroni & cheese, mashed potatoes with cheese, cola, and steamed broccoli.
The macaroni had cut up hotdogs mixed in, all this being Haisley's favorite foods. She loaded her plate up with food and poured herself a glass of cola.
After dinner, Haisley was washing her plate. She decided to do the dishes in the sink as well, which wasn't more than a few bowls and silverware. As she was washing the dishes, Haisley noticed she was bleeding. A small, but deep cut. Sucking on her thumb, she peered into the sink. There it was, a large kitchen knife. Suddenly, all the joy and glee from dinner faded. The feelings from earlier came flooding in, like a tidal wave.
Tears streaked down her cheeks, and her hand fell. Haisley took the knife in her right hand, slowly turning it to face her. After grasping the knife with her left hand, Haisley shakily rose the knife. Starting to sob, she reinstated an ironclad grip.
"Just breathe, Hai. You'll be okay. You'll be great. All your problems will be over" Haisley sobbed. She tore the knife into her stomach, her mouth swinging open, letting the air escape her lungs.
Suddenly, a soft voice spoke "H..Hais...Haisley?" Her eyes shot open as she turned to her little brother, who was standing in the doorway.
Regret instantly hit Haisley, as she stumbled over to
Josh. As she closed the distance between them, her knees grew weak and Haisley fell to the ground. The knife dug into her stomach even further, effectively killing her. -
Oh you guys suck
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But suddenly the Moon crashed into the Earth and everyone died.
The end. -
What would you like us to comment on? Do you want constructive criticism, or do you want us to just discuss the story in general?
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Either or. I put it up here to get your guy's opinions
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Questions I'm genuinely curious about:
1.) Did something happen in Haisleys life to make her feel this way? Was she bullied?
2.) Josh is Haisley's younger brother, right?
3.) Did Haisley lay on the bed before Jack snuggled with her?
4.) Is Haisley's father still around?
5.) Is this going to be a short story, or do you want to use this to create a book, making this the end?
Things you may want to tweak a little/add:
1.) Stomach slashing
People usually take a very long time to bleed out when they stab their stomach, unless the knife was strong enough to cut her in half, but I don't think the house would casually have a knife that sharp laying around.
Route A:
Maybe she slits her throat, stabs herself in the head multiple times, or possibly stabs herself in the heart multiple times?
Route B:
If you like the stomach slashing, maybe the brother screams and Haisley's mother calls 911, and dies in the hospital?
2.) Self hate
It would be more clear for the audience to know why Haisley is so insecure. It adds character and depth to her.
Route C:
When she is feeling these thoughts, explain why she is feeling these thoughts. It could be different each time, or the telling of one event.
Route: BA
If she goes to the hospital, maybe while she is there and is dying out, she remembers every significant event in her life, and thinks about each event in detail. Including the stabbing. -
Wow thanks for the feedback, dude. You seem to genuinely be interested in this.
1) Yes. She was constantly bullied, shunned, her life sucked. Not in any one specific way but just as a collective
2) Yeah, I knew that wasn't too clear and it was hard to naturally implement it more, paired with it's not too important anyhow
3)Yes
4)No
5)Well I did it for an Embedded Assessment, so short story. I could make a longer one if enough people wanted
Things I may want to tweak
-Okay that's oddly specific. I suppose I should do more research, huh? I wrote this a bit on the later side
-Well see, short story. Couldn't be more than like 2,000 words
-This may be obvious but this is self reflective, most of this I used from experience. I can't really explain it for myself so I can't really explain it for another person
You really want me to write more, huh? -
I'm a curious bean
You definitely have the spirit to write stories and such, why not use it to your advantage? -
No motivation to do things anymore
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Um I didn't read this but this shouldn't be here.. I'm going to report this
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đź…±ruh
Sometimes I vent write, then after I feel better I edit it to make it good -
Yeah, i'll do that too
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Y e s
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Hmm if you have a word limit, I would edit out unimportant details that take away from the effect youre trying to have. You could erase the specifics of what she ate, for example. You could even cut out the scene where she cuddles her cat.
Instead, you could focus more on hed thoughts and like Paige said, why she's upset.
I'd erase the extra, irrelevant information to make room for details involving her emotions and her family's emotions. I'd also add in what her brother's expression looked like when she stabbed herself. -
Here's what I don't understand. GoToQuiz doesn't want you talking about violence or death, and yet they set up a thing where people create their own stories to improve your writing. Shouldn't these people know that almost every good story has violence in it? Otherwise it's a boring story, and no one would ever want to read it. Sometimes you have to get a little bloody.
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