Story Concept, looking for critique on what I have
- Locked due to inactivity on Dec 7, '16 3:54am
Thread Topic: Story Concept, looking for critique on what I have
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Cool!
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I like it! Definitely has potential. However, I'd suggest slimming down the physical descriptions in the beginning. That early in the story, I don't care what the characters look like. Let their actions create my attachment to them before their physical appearance, if that makes sense? It's just a lot of details that I'm not yet into the story enough to enjoy.
I do love your word choice though, by the way. -
Thank you.
Thank you for the critique. I'll go back and try to cut some out. I've had some people tell me they want to know the physical appearance straight up, and so I figured I'd add some of it in, considering they're dressed up for a party. What do you think I should take out that's not so important in that moment?
Ahh, thank you! -
I thought it was very good--much better than I could write. You used good descriptive adjectives and colorful verbs so that I could feel like I was in the story.
The only "negative" thing was that I felt like some sentences were a little choppy, but otherwise it was excellent. Good job! -
I like very much
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Would you mind telling me one of the copy sentences so I can fix it as well as know what I should look for throughout the story?
Thank you! -
*choppy
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Eh. It's okay, and the storyline is pretty good, but not exactly catchy.
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Got anything I could do to it to make it a bit more "catchy"?
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needs more penis, less generic fantasy concepts
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The selection of the words are pretty much readable. Try experimenting with some phrasal verbs and use some more words that make it look adorable.
The description of the character is good. You should check the paragraphs: mere one or two paragraphs into one paragraph.
Other than using "Chapter - 1" use something like this "1 - blah blah blah".
Optional: try making the story less "serious" and little bit "hilarious". -
merge*
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I know nothing about writing, let me give you meaningless advice!
I do love a good modern magic story. Only Dresden seems to do it well though, so I wish you luck.
Title could be more creative, but it's a work in progress.
It's an hourglass figure, not a hourglass. I know conventional grammar tells you that 'an' is only used before a vowel, but any word with a soft 'h' is the exception. Welcome to English.
I agree with the people above, of the first fifteen paragraphs, seven are dedicated to nothing but describing the appearance of something. I'd personally chop the description of Serpens, Auryon's clothes, and what Auryon usually wears but isn't wearing right now. Perhaps combine them, somehow. Just a line or two about how she'd rather be wearing a bulletproof vest than a dress. It establishes the same amount of character with much less words. Brevity is...wit.
Remember, this is the beginning of the story. You want something big, you want something interesting. You want to grab attention; maybe put down an interesting question for someone to read ahead to answer.
The magic became alive once more, pulsing with a soft golden glow.
This is unclear to me, though I might just be an idiot. Is the door lighting up, or is there something else physically happening? What does 'the magic' refer to? The circle on the floor?
Got anything I could do to it to make it a bit more "catchy"?
Again, I know very little about actual writing, but...
Just start at the party. As a much better writer once said, begin the story as close to the end as possible. That's a good hook. Someone in this crowd is not who they seem; things could go wrong at the drop of a hat, etc. Play up the tension, play up the suspicion; have Auyron socialize a little, maybe have her act socially awkward as she blatantly questions people, then make s--- go down. A big ass fight, an explosion, a chase scene, anything as long as it's attention grabbing.
Hell, have the spy be Diomedes and you can start his character building early.
Then, once the spy is caught, you slow down. You introduce Serpen, the two worlds (not too much, exposition is boring, introduce it only when needed,) why Auyron just threw a guy out a window. It's the classic story pacing. Start fast, slow down, begin build up to finale. -
Maybe add more action in the story at the very beginning, then start to describe them slowly, like this:
"Bob ran down the path, his heart beating in his chest. He had to get out of the forest before the monster tracked him down. His brown hair was sticky with sweat and sweat dripped down his face like a waterfall. How stupid was he, going into the forest when his mother specifically told him not to? His mother was right, like always, and he was going to die because he didn't listen to her."
Add the descriptions SLOWLY. Incorporate the details into the story, AND ADD MORE ACTION!!!
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