The Whiplash Writing School
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:35pm
Thread Topic: The Whiplash Writing School
-
Hello. If you are interested in writing, but need to learn skills or fine tune what you know, you came to the right place. If you are not, I may be able to interest you in the Bullwhip Boot Camp school I will create in the lounge. So, just ask me things, post writing so I can help you revise it etc.
-
Hey, I wrote this short story a while ago and I'd really appreciate it if you'd revise it. It's pretty bad.
"The air was damp.I could still remember what had occured last night.While I drifted into my thoughts,I realized something.My pen pal,Emily,had sent me a letter.Excited,I rushed out of my room,and darted down the stairs.My heart was pounding.Emily was the only friend i had,though I haven't met her face-to-face.
In a few minutes,I wound up in my living room.I stepped towards the table that rested in the middle of the room.On it,was a letter.It read:
Hey Catherine! How are you? I've been feeling down lately,and could use some comfort.Would you like to meet up some time? It's fine if you don't.If you do,meet me at the train station.
Sincerely,
Emily
After I read that,I instantly felt happy.Today,I would get to meet my pen pal! As the time ticked away,I threw on a simple white blouse with a pair of grey pants.I rushed outside,and ran towards the train station.It was a good thing I didn't live very far from it.
Soon,I found myself scanning the crowd.
Where is she? I thought.
I soon felt a tug on my blouse.I looked down to see a small blonde,who looked about 11."Um,hello? Are you lost,little girl?" I asked.She gave me a disgusted look."Are you saying that I'm so small that you could crush me with your boot?!" She shouted.I raised my arms in defeat."I apologize." An awkward smile spread across my face."So,what's your name?" I asked.She quickly smiled,and turned towards the other direction."The name's Emily.I'm waiting for someone,by the name of Catherine." I huffed,and chuckled slightly."Well,looks like my pen pal is a pipsqueak." I teased.Emily tried to hit me,but she was too short."You're just like the rest!" I laughed.She was just so adorable." -
Rephrase your sentences so they seem more human, less like an rp character skeleton. Give me description when your character is in motion and better transitions when changing locations in the story. Add some filler stuff between sentences because you are acting as an Unseen narrating presence. Describe Emily more, how tall was she, compare heights, let the reader develop a better picture. Tell me some about the station, what does it look like, where is it, who's there, what did you do before you got there? Description is key, but try not to make this a video recording more than it is a story. Also give some background information so I know what's going on before hand. That's all.
-
Ah, thank you so much! I'll go rewrite it in a few and then show you.
-
All right.
-
Anyone else?
-
how are my fanfics?? ouo
-
I don't know? Can I see them?
-
One is on the second page of the library, one is on this page. The one on this page has sour patch kids in the title and the other one is fanfic trash I believe.
-
No. Just, no. They are too hilarious.
-
I'm a good writer, though, right? ;D
-
Yeah XD. Put me In one of those, it's so just, lol
-
I can always put more users. What role would you like to take?
-
I don't care
-
I just make really dirty fanfics *shrugs*
Pages:
- 1
- 2
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
