Excerpt.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: Excerpt.
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"We're surrounded, stay all together now." Leo backed up, along as the other zodiacs that are as well in battle positions, their hands attached to their weaponry. Her teeth clenched in brutal concentration and stoic, but her body felt vigilant as if once wrong step, things could explode into a "bloody" mess. "What are we going to do?" Augustus yelped in freight, nervously breathing and curling up in her bright hoodie, her short blonde locks loosely curled over her eyes.
The zodiacs look at eachother in baffle and started making loud conversations on how they're going to get out.
"Don't. Make. A. Sound." Pisces sneered quietly and everybody did her command as she was slightly angered, which was a rare moment.
She dropped her weapon and it turned into stardust, which started covering an incognito barrier and the opposing side dissipated.
"Oh, well why didn't you say something Pisces?" Scorpio looked at her and questioned her, which she really didn't expect an easy answer. Pisces are somewhat unpredictable.
"Mm." Pisces shrugged.
"I think I found it!" Aquarius squealed and opened a gigantic cavern, which was overbearing with seaweed decorations and puddles of salt water from the ocean laying their in the humid atmosphere. There was a marble fountain made out of a humongous seashell, which has once been the exquisite resting place of Aquarius until an unfortunate zodiac soul had been sealed with it with sea pearls locked around it in an infallible place, in a dimension far away. But until now, that soul has finally been awoken.
"Good job, let's head inside." Leo said the parting words and they all groaned in perfect humorous unison as they slushed and stepped in water that was turning into endearing mud.
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"This is The Water Carrier."
They all looked at first glance at the gigantic pearl statue, still gleaming and in perfect condition.
"And it's still gorgeous, thank the stars." Aquarius cooed and clasped her hands in awe.
( to be continued for ME) -
I get the feeling you that many of the words you use don't mean what you think they mean. I can understand trying to make your prose more verbose, but generally you want to make sure everything you write makes sense.
Stoic is not a verb, stoic is an adjective. You need to say 'brutal concentration and stoic (verb)' and even then you could just get away with (verb). Baffle actually does make sense, but you need to use 'bafflement.'
'Incognito' makes no sense. Is the barrier a secret? Is it's identity concealed? I honestly have no idea what the intention here is.
'Their' in the fourth paragraph needs to be 'there.' Remember, 'their' is for possession. 'There' is for location.
Why is the mud endearing? That means they like it! Do you perhaps mean enduring? That at least makes a little sense.
Why is the pearl gorgeous? That seems like an odd choice of words. When I think of gorgeous, I think of puppies or babies, not cold stone.
Why is Augustius a girl? Augustius is one of the most manly names I can think of, right behind Greg.
Proofreading is also your friend, there are many small grammatical mistakes that you should have caught before posting. I mean, you did read this before posting it here, right?
Oh, and I say this in every review, learn the difference between showing and telling. I'd rather hear the characters talk about how they're going to escape rather than have some a--hole tell me they are. In the same vein, I'd rather see Aquarius open a large cavern than have someone say 'she opened it' and expect me to fill in the blanks.
Also, I don't know anything about any of these characters. You couldn't have had your excerpt be their introduction? -
Oh no, this was a joke thing. x'D
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What's the joke?
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Oh brother.
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Aquarius squealed and opened a gigantic cavern, which was overbearing with seaweed decorations and puddles of salt water from the ocean laying their in the humid atmosphere.
there* -
I didn't care for it that much.
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Then why post it?
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>posts flawed work
>gets criticized for it
>can't take criticism
>says it's a joke to avoid looking stupid
>looks even more stupid -
^
Also... I don't think Augustus is a zodiac sign, if you're aiming for a zodiac sign story. Augustus was the founder of the Roman Empire. -
Seth: It was an actual joke paragraph, to be honest. You can't really say s--- for my work because you never wrote it.
Brownie: Augustus ISN'T a zodiac sign, you dumb f---. -
And I didn't want this bumped at all.
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That's what I just said. I literally just said that Augustus isn't a zodiac sign.
Also, how was I supposed to know you didn't want it bumped? Though it didn't need bumping anyway, it was already at the top of the page? -
I never implied that Augustus was a zodiac, are you that bad at analyzing?
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And Augustus IS a character/oc of mine.
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