Untested...
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:29pm
Thread Topic: Untested...
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I may not finish this this time. I'm at a hospital, so.
HERE WE SHALT BEGIN. YUP. I'M WINGING THIS.
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Prologue: Unexpected Arrival
'BBBEEEEYYYOOOO' was the only sound audible as sirens wailed and mechanisms began a series of lock-down maneuvers. Nikkili (Deja Vu, any-one?), a presidential assassin, vaulted through a maze of debris. His surroundings was surreal, robotics arms of all sizes and exposed gears cranking pulleys that blew chain re-actions.
Any-body less skilled in parkour than him-self would quickly stumble upon a rotating gear, or super-strong machine arm out of control. Even with his own expertise, he still found it superiorly challenging not to shoot his foot through an insertion hole and mangle his ankle (rhymes) or shoot his hand on-to a fuming metallic tube.
As he carefully vaulted over tables, dodged shooting gears, and ducked under terrorizing factory arms, he finally came upon an impassable object. An adamant door, wired to some extremely sophisticated protective soft-ware, and lodged in the floor, making it immovable.
A stiffened scream made Nikkili flinch, and a quick angled side-step gave him sight of the horror. The cutter line's metal had been badly depleted in the middle, causing two supporting rods to spray, and now the line acts as a razor machine-gun. Incredibly sharp and durable razors flew at liquified speeds, easily and cleanly slicing through 3 nano-augmentationist scientists, killing them almost instantly.
A huge gout of sparks and tiny scraps of metal lit aflame bursted through the east wall, which was now on Nikkili's left. Nikkili sat there, dazed by the astonishing and beguiling sight of metal and flesh equal being scattered through the room like darts.
"What... Monstrosity... Is this?!" Nikkili said at a decreased volume, star-gazing at the blissful yet deservingly dreadful canvas of a critically malfunctioned factory. He shifted his beam of sight to the large hole in the east wall, which led to the bio-computics room. This was majorly bad. Several rich governments from all of the world had spent billions, if not trillions of dollars on these mechanics. Yet they were so delicate.
Nikkili leapt in-to action, sprinting in-to a slide under-neath the shooting slices of razors. He then deftly side-flipped a busted combustion valve that shot out extremely-super-heated steam, engineered by man. Even the air around it swelted, the molecules slowly dispersing due to the extreme heat. Luckily the steam affects a very narrow area, or else Nikkili would've been burned to the bone and beyond.
Sprinting across this area again was even more challenging, considering the broke-down system is now doing every-thing in it's power to kill all humans. Well, not literally, but close enough. I mean, it didn't take on it's own ego and then vowed to destroy humanity, but -- Well, you get the idea!
Nikkili fell to his knees at the horrifying and nulling view, of slabs of gray matter oozing from broken shards of glass that once formed large vials. Highly advanced computers visualizing the micro-scoping procession of the application of nano-mechanics to living tissue, all blown out and unrepairable. The papers documenting the details of the process and theoretical and experimental statistics, all burnt.
Nikkili sat there for a moment, letting the fact that at-least 200 trillion dollars had just been wasted. And another matter. All those royals and political greeds won't be happy knowing that a sizeable chunk of their country's net worth had just been dissipated.
A tingling push sent Nikkili spiraling through the air, nothing touched him, so that confused him most. He crashed through rotten metal, and tried to barrel his way to a safe landing. This partially worked, successfully barreling on top of shattered glass and sharp, prickly jagged tips of metal. After he tried to pry the painful sheards of pointy materials, he noticed a few perfectly circular orbs floating about. Good and bad news, good and bad news. The good, the gravitational net balls worked. The bad, some-thing manually set the.
The crushing of glass pieces and the high pitch of blade rushing out of holster put Nikkili on edge. In a flash, he bolted towards the east wall, twirling behind him-self and sliding out a silenced, advanced pistol, and firing freely.
When Nikkili landed, he looked behind him-self. Again, good and bad news, good and bad news. A few yards in front of him stood a tall, inhumanly slim cyborg. But not just any cyborg. According to all the reports and not-so-quaint meetings, this was the 'Prototype X-1 SA:AP:SB Lee'.
The most advanced creation humanity has ever created, easily three-fold. There was hardly a chance of Nikkili beating him, or it, as Prototype X-1 has a plethora of weapons and super-ficial and critical implantations, allowing it to destroy the toughest of foes discreetly.
It's two blue slits, acting as eyes, glew brightly. Two 2 and a half foot titanium blades expended from top-side it's wrists, and two titanium blades the exact same size expended from it's elbows. Nikkili shouted a rage of hysteria, as obviously this Prototype destroyed... Every-thing ever used to create it's own self.
In a blur, Nikkili pulled out a double-saber, charging at the thing, ready for intense blood-shed. f--- protocols. This is war.
(Like it? Don't like it? Please gimme feed-back.) -
I like it. I mean, it's not what I would typically read on a daily basis, but it's well worded and well thought out.
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Rate it on a 0-10 scale. 0 being easily the worst thing you've ever read, and 10 being utterly divine.
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10. Not even kidding, it really deserves a ten.
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I saw the word cyborg. +10 from me.
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Thanks gais. Explain what you most liked about it, and certainy the part you least liked about it.
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I really liked how detailed it was. I don't really think there's anything I disliked, aside from the fact that I don't usually read this type of thing.
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10
The detail itself was really really good. Your word choice is fantastic, and you managed to move the action along pretty well without getting caught up in the descriptions. I honestly can't come up with any critism.
WOAH WAIT WHY ARE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL Are you okay?! D: -
Great. Now I just need IHLAOY's and Barberton's approval/criticism/both.
Barberton... Nice job, auto-correct.
Oh, and I'm fine. It was my mother that had a problem. -
Call his name and he shall appear.
Imma give it a 3. Maybe a 4, if I was a generous person, and here are the reasons why:
1. You don't need to use hyphens (-) so often. Reaction, himself, everything, etc; are already words in and of themselves. Hyphenation should be avoided when possible, with the exception of deliberate hyphenation to stress syllables.
2. I think you don't understand the meaning of some of the words you're using; which leads me to believe you just put them there to look smart. Which is fine, many books want to look smart, but when I see something like 'liquified speeds,' or 'badly depleted metal,' or 'advanced pistol,' it makes me wonder if the author actually did any research.
3. You obviously haven't proofread it. There's a point where a sentence just ends, for Christ's sake. You mess up your it's and its and other small details.
4. I'm not quite sure what's going on. Granted, this may be intentional, but it's hard to get immersed when I'm asking questions like:
'Why is an assassin sneaking into a secret government lab? It can't be to kill people, or steal things, since he makes no attempt to do either.'
'Maybe he's not sneaking in? But why would you let your assassin know about your secret lab?'
'Why is there all this equipment just lying around in the middle of the lab? Is Nik sneaking through a conveyor belt?'
'Why would a conveyor belt lead into the open air though?'
'Why would an assassin use a double saber? Why would an assassin use a weapon at all? Is this the middle ages?'
5. I don't like the name Nikkili.
6. Metal Gear Rising was a cool game.
7. Why is the cyborg destroying everything? Surely they had procedures in the event something like this happened?
8. Why is there no computer backups of all the research? I use a computer to track everything I do, you telling me a nano-scientist worth 200 trillion dollars doesn't do the same?
Overall, getting better, still got a way to go.
(One day, I'm going to need to post something here to show everyone how it's done.) -
f---ING DAMN. I HATE THIS KEY-BOARD.
Any-ways... Lemme type this all out on my key-board ONCE AGAIN...
1. With some words, even I don't see the usage, but with some, I subliminally insert a hyphen. How I write. Any-ways...
2. Nice eye. Two out of three of those I couldn't properly think of a better word. I got this inspiration by sitting in a hospital, up for 24 hours. I know, bad time to write a story, but f--- it. 'Depleted metal' and 'Advanced pistol' were to over-simplify it as I couldn't come across better adjectives. How-ever, 'Liquified speeds' was a perfect metaphor.
3. Aye. It's a rough draft, I guess I shoulda said such in the beginning.
It was. The prologue is near the end of the story, which I did intentionally to create that "HOLY s---, I READ THIS SO LONG AGO!" feeling when my readers reach the end. Dammit, I keep forgetting to number my replies. Ah, fuggit. Any-ways, fun question.
A. He wasn't -- Wait, lemme read that again. Did you read the part about the adamant door? That would've been a huge obstacle between him and his target, but he wasn't sneaking. Parkour? Yeah, he was parkouring. Is that even a word? Probably. He immediately rushed to the source when he heard major dysfunctional sounds and sirens.
B. As I explained in the beginning, he is a presidential assassin. He is the top-of-the-line-get-s----done-with-out-any-others-knowing guy. If he were to do his job correctly, he'd need all the info of every-thing possible. Secret labs included. Also, towards the end. Just... re-read paragraph 13.
C. It's really a high-tech nano assembly room.
D. It didn't. You must be referring to untentional explosion.
E. I... Don't get it. An assassin ism literally, a soldier trained to discreetly assassinate his/her targets. As you probably know. Aside from exceptional specialized martial arts, they would need exceptional, specialized weapons.
5. M'kay.
6. Maybe I'll try it out again.
7. Aye. But they certainly weren't to expect their own creation to destroy them. They did implement pre-cautions, but, as humanity always does, those didn't quite work as they thought.
8. I was narrating the story from Nikkili's point-of-view. As far as he knew, that was it. Thanks for the inspiration, though.
Does this change your rating at all?
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