For all you writers out there.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:28pm
Thread Topic: For all you writers out there.
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Positive or Negative anything's fine
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Oh right, I forgot you want the work :/
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Recovery: Prologue
The Screams. The Tortures. Gunshots. Fire in my eyes. My whole world crashing above me, everything I can feel. This pain being endured out here, the one no one else has suffered. Being thrown into this cell, everything i have ever known or wanted is gone. The gates are opening. I am here for my last stand. But when death is there, i am going to look at it in the eyes, not like what Darius did.
"Come. Our Master wants you". I hear a lowly guard command me. My insides yearn just to be a normal person again but it is no use. I follow through.
Agony entering my body. Another hellish torture, why must I endure it? I will face up to my fears.
Being thrown in this cell again. I know why i'm here. Just a quick memory refresh. I look at my nightmare staring at me. But I know that I am gone.
How did it turn up this way? A million thoughts have entered my mind, but there's no turning back now.
Game over. The Heroes lose. -
Well it's deep, I like that. It's kind of dark which adds powerful voice to it. It's nice (:
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I have to agree it's deep. But grammar wise, the "I"s should be capital. But it is a very good writing piece.
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IHLAOY NewbieWhy are you implying this is deep in any way? Exactly what part of this is deep? For crying out loud, the meaning is literally spelled out for you; (And while it is possible that it could be a red herring, I don't trust the author enough to be that subtle or witty.) There's no foreshadowing, there's no deeper meaning, what it says is exactly what it means. Even the premise has been done to death.
Moving on, grammar wise this is a very bad writing piece. (Don't listen to Luna, she's obviously crazy. Same with Manders; being dark doesn't add depth.) The sentence structure and syntax is vague and confusing, though I can understand what you were aiming for. The section with Darius is a perfect example of this, on top of adding more problems. Since I have no idea who Darius is, nor any context as to what happened to him, there's no weight to this comparison. It's empty, it doesn't mean anything because we (the readers) don't know anything about Darius. (The section with the Master is fine though, as no comparison is made and it is clearly intended to raise questions.) You also screwed up the ONLY piece of dialogue in the post. Either do it right or don't do it all. The period goes inside the quotation mark. But, if the previous or next sentence is connected to the dialogue, you use a comma. And as Luna has said, a solitary I is capitalized. Just like the perfect economic system.
The subject matter has also been done, much much better, (Looking at you, Watchmen,) but I wouldn't let that phase you. Everything has been done, you just need to add a fresh touch to it. But as an opening section, this post has failed terribly. There's no context for the story to expand on, there's no characters to look forward to or be sympathetic with, there's few questions raised and they're vague at best and the entire thing just feels like it's putting edginess before plot.
As far as plot goes, what little you have is boring. Uninteresting. And that's the worst thing you can have to say about a story.
It's not nice. -
In my opinion, if this was a book and I read only this prologue, I know I would read the rest.
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IHLAOY that's mean. But every has their own opinion and I voiced mine.
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IHLAOY NewbieThat's all well and good, but the man asked for feedback, not opinions. While it is totally within your right to voice an opinion, hiding it as feedback and not enforcing it with evidence can be very damaging to a writer; (By giving them a false impression of their work.)
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@IHLAOY: Well I wanted feedback on the work, not the grammar. Grammar I can improve on but I wanted to know any mistakes in the story
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IHLAOY NewbieWhat do you mean by the work? That is a vague term that makes it difficult to pinpoint what you want feedback on. I am going to assume you mean the story though, and play from there.
I've already mentioned the problem with the story above though. It's not a story. You have a premise (What if the heroes lost,) but what are you going to DO with it? You've introduced no characters, you have no setting, you have no context, you don't even have descriptions. (For the purpose of the previous sentence, prose does not count as descriptions.)
I want to comment on the story, I really do, but you don't seem to HAVE a story. I could comment on the premise, the foundation of your story, but I've already given my thoughts on that; and it all comes down to personal opinion anyway.
What you need to do is just flesh things out. Take your premise and give it some weight. In a common story, you have three things. A character, a problem, and a solution. This is putting things in their most basic terms. I can't stress this enough for you; you have a problem, but nothing else! You need more than a premise for a story. Flesh things out. Write up the setting, imagine a character, solve the problem. You need more than a premise, this is the most important thing I'm telling you.
Flesh. It. Out. Write a story. Then I will give my feedback on the story. -
It's a prologue. Meaning it leads into or introduces a story. It's supposed to make readers want to read the rest, which in my opinion, it does.
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I have yet to hear kind words from IHLAOY.
The writing itself could use some work I think. Maybe play around with different styles or sentence structures, stuff like that. But I like the story, it's interesting so far. -
The prologue.
Honestly, I must say, it is dark and confusing, but the confusing part makes it all the much better. "Who is Darius?". I don't know. That makes me want to skim through the pages to find who he is.
Listen, IHLAOY, I know you were giving "feed-back", but this is an un-edited, un-revised short prologue to a story he might now even have a plan for (if he's just winging it, like me.). Not a final draft of a short spelling essay.
This prologue isn't very deep, but again, many prologues aren't quite meant to give depth to the over-all story. Just to give the reader an idea to, maybe what's happening, and give a faint shadow of emotion the reader often nags at.
This prologue is a bit too short, and is a bit messy, not very descriptive, but I see heavy potential. Doodle, in-stead of doing such as;
"Agony entering my body. Another hellish torture, why must I endure it? I will face up to my fears.
Being thrown in this cell again. I know why i'm here. Just a quick memory refresh. I look at my nightmare staring at me. But I know that I am gone."
It's short, and thee main guy just seems to be tossed into a torture chamber for no apparent reason. It gives a very dark accent to it, but not very much so for depth.
Try;
"Agony entering my body, making my muscles and nerves scream for pathetic help for what I have done... Another hellish torture, I know, I know, but why is it so pain-ful?! Taking my pride... My strength... My determination... And searing it all away...
And now, after all that damned barbed hell they tried to break me in, I'm just being thrown in this cell again, leaving me to think about what I've done. I don't care what I've, the past is the past. What I want to know is, why are they so worried?. I know why i'm here, though, at-least. The screaming, the death, the pain I've caused... Maybe I deserved this dark justice. Just a quick memory refresh, and I can see the blood running down the concrete... I look at my nightmare staring at me. But I know that I am gone.
I know, I know, I edited it. But try doing that.
This has intense potential, and I like it. Keep it up. -
"Pathetic help for what I have done.."
Really? Stop, Joker. That doesn't make sense. No one was asked to rewrite the whole thing for Doodle, and you're not doing much in the way of improving it anyway.
As for feedback? Um.
I think your punctuation could use some touching up on. Failure to put commas and whatnot in the correct place doesn't necessarily make it impossible to read, but it grates on nerves and makes you want to stop reading it.
Word choice is pretty basic. Try stepping up your vocabulary a bit.
You may want to be considerably more descriptive. This is a shallow frame-by-frame of what's happening. It tells what's happening, but that's all. The reader doesn't feel a thing.
I have an OC named Darius and I must say I just became very upset at the thought of him facing death. :I I'm too feelsy.
Anyway, for a really rough draft, this is good. Build on it. You can be giggity. You can be goo.
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