My series
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: My series
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I have a few series that I was hoping people would read and give me feedback on.
Where The Grass Is Greener... & Bright Light in the Darkness are the ones I would prefer, but any of them are fine.
Thank you. -
Bump
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I just read part one of "A Light in the Darkness". Are you looking for feedback or compliments?
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IHLAOY NewbieYo, so I'm reading Bright Light, and I think you're being incredibly insensitive to the blight of black native Americans. Of course the bad guys are black, we can't have the strong, independent white woman doing anything wrong, now can we? No, we need to 'appeal to the target audience,' you racist. Why isn't the main character black too?
Now, lets be serious for a moment. Just you and me. I've done this plenty of times before, (though usually I have yacht,) so I'm going to walk you through everything, step by step, and we going to find out why this story isn't very good.
Now, for clarity's sake, let me say this. Google doc accounts are free, and supply themselves to a much better format than a website for quizzes. Get a google doc and write a story there, it'll help a lot. This format doesn't allow for flexible characters or good writing of any kind. But back to the big issue.
Step one, the characters. Lets start with the main one, Dawn. Where do we begin with a character like this? What's there to even say? Now, my gut instinct is to label her a mary sue and get it over with, but something is holding me back from that. Yes, she somehow managed to live alone in the wilds for 5 years, as a six year old. Yes, she can turn super sayain when angered. Yes, she's the one 'super special savour of the world.' Yes, she has a unique bow that shoots with the power of the elements. And yes, these are all bad things.
Where's the conflict? Where's the self doubt? Where are the flaws that hinder her from her mission? She hasn't said a word in all four chapters. She's flat as a doorknob.
As for her friends, there's really nothing to say about them. They're a plot point, not characters. They exist only to give Dawn something to angst about. Why should I care about these people if I don't even care about the main one?
Step two, the plot. Oh wait, there's a plot? I couldn't find it under the six tons of purple prose and unnecessary scenes. Here's a fun game. Go back through this story, and count any scenes that actually advance the plot. I counted four. Out of twenty something. When she's running, when she's caught, when she escapes and when she digs. Everything else can be cut out.
Rule of storytelling, better known as checkov's gun. If you have a scene, that scene needs to be there for a reason. I don't need to see Dawn shoot the bow, or fill her waterskin, (FROM A STILL LAKE, FULL OF BACTERIA!) or duck and weave through a crowd. These can all be cut out.
But moving on to the actual plot. It's...not very great. I'd say more, but there isn't really anything to say about it. There's something about a castle (great name, by the way.), and dead parents and a superhero called Light, but there's nothing tying these all together. There just things that happened for a reason we don't know.
It's like opening a book halfway through. That's exactly what it is, you've written the middle of the book first. Where's the exposition? Where's the normalcy? Where's Dawn BEFORE she went on an adventure?
Now, while it is true that some books can start in the middle, you're not one of the authors that can pull it off.
Step three, pacing. It's not good. I mentioned this before with unneeded scenes, and I can elaborate on it here. The pacing is simultaneously too fast and too slow. It's fast enough that we can't tell what's going on, (Dawn is Light, there are shadow men, now she's shooting an arrow,) and it's slow enough that none of the above is explained, (WHY is Dawn Light? Who are these shadow men? How did she find the bow?) I can understand leaving some of these unanswered for suspense through the novel, but leaving every single question unanswered is just lazy.
Step four, proof reading. Do it! Do it now! Do it at this exact moment; stop reading my review. Stop what you're doing, go back to that story, and PROOF READ! I counted 17 misspelled words alone, along with a mix of then and than, and there. Your story, at this exact moment, can be seen by anyone in the entire world. For the love of god make it something worth reading.
Step five, and let me be honest here. Not to imply that I was lying out of my ass before; you're not that bad a writer. You make some amateur mistakes, your character is mary sue out the ass and you can't pace, but you understand the basics of writing. You understand prose, and context, and atmosphere, and that already places you far above many others. But there is still work to be done.
The best advice I've ever given, and will continue to give, is this; 'Read.' That's all. Pick up a book right now, and read. Examine the characters, examine the setting, examine the word use, find out why it's written as it is. And learn how to use that in your own writing.
Now, I think that's all there is to say about that. Skellington Jeaves, pull my boat out of the water, we must set sail at dawn. For there are still more stories out there in the sea, and I must see them all.
For now, Ginny. For now.
(Oh, I nearly forgot. Names are important. Give the people in Dawn's past proper names, not this barely pronounceable crap. Dave, that's a good name, call one of her past friends Dave.) -
IHLAOY NewbieI really hope it's feedback, because I can't bring myself to compliment any part of this.
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Thankyou for your feedback, I will keep it in mind, but I would like to point out that the 'bac guys' aren't people, they're shadows. Shadows, last time I checked, are black. No one said that Dawn hasn't done anything wrong. She isn't black for a reason that is later in the story, because of Dusk. I'm not racist, in fact, I'm very much against racism I did a thing at my school expo raising awareness for the Stolen Generations (Yeah, I'm Australian and proud. Deal with it. And no, we don't ride to school on kangaroos.) I'm sorry if I have offended you but it was unintentional.
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*bad.
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It's good, but your character development needs work. I agree with IHLAOY on the names though.
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