this is challenging
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:24pm
Thread Topic: this is challenging
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I'm just kinda getting my thoughts straight, I dont need anyone to read this. I dont need advice or anything.
Its getting more and more difficult for me to deal with my boyfriend's depression. I used to be all like "awh dont worry I'm here for you" but now I'm more like "goddamn it cheer up. If I wanted to be around someone crabby and upset I'd go home and hang out with my mom" I mean I had my own problems in the past, so I know how he feels, but nothing so severe and I was able to push myself out of it. And now I'll do f---in anything to stay away from people who arent happy. Bad moods bring me down hard, down to a place I never wanna be. And I've gotten to a place in my life where things feel right. and I havent felt like that since childhood. back in a small town at a little tiny catholic school, back when everything was perfect and nothing ever went wrong. and now, things still go wrong, but Ive gotten better at getting through them. at staying positive. I tend to stay away from the people that bring in the negative. and when matt is having a bad day where his depression is really getting to him, it really just makes me wanna stay away from him. and I know thats when he needs me to be there for him most.
Like today, he was feeling depressed and I got annoyed and wanted to leave, so I just sat there not talking to him or looking at him. and he can tell when I'm not happy, and when I'm not even trying to be happy. and he started crying then, and then I felt really bad and realized what I was doing. but I just cant stand it anymore. seeing him upset just kills me. and so does the fact that I cant do much to help him. I like helping people, thats my thing.
but for real, I feel bad. for him, like he said day by day it gets worse. and I cant f---ing do anything to help. except be there. and thats getting harder and harder to do. cuz in the process of being there for him I'm taking myself down from the position of feeling like things are actually right with my life. and I dont wanna sink back down into that hole, what if next time I cant climb back out? I'd rather do what I have to to keep myself feelin right, and usually that ends up helping others too. except for matt.
so I dont know what I'm gonna f---ing do.
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