Fourth Century Political Compass

A schematic, inaccurate (and hopefully enjoyable) autodiagnostic instrument to guide you through the vicissitudes of fourth century political affiliation.

Guaranteed to help you blag your way through time travel-mishap, the restoration of the Roman Empire or a conversation with an over-enthusiastic late antique historian.

Created by: Thomas Langley of Twitter
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When asked for change the shopkeeper questions you about whether the Son is begotten or created. How do you respond?
- Shut up and give me my grapes.
- The Son is of the Father alone: neither made, nor created, but begotten.
- Take your Galilaean pseudo-philosophy elsewhere.
- Mumble indistinctly what you think think the seller wants to hear and back away.
Horoscopes and divination – yea or nay?
- Yes but discretely – don’t want to get tried for treason.
- Anathema on this pagan nonsense.
- They should be compulsory!
- Seditious sorcery like this should be suppressed (unless the omens are good for my career).
Emperor or senate?
- I am the Senate!
- Emperor I suppose but I’d prefer bishop.
- How about philosopher-king?
- Emperor – anything else is treason.
Is our bureaucracy too large and corrupt?
- Yes, provincials should go back to their city councils.
- I don’t really care.
- Yes though that won’t stop me joining it.
- I’m sorry, you need to pay the petitioning fee and produce copies of that question in triplicate before I can answer that.
What do you feel about so-called pagan symbols being associated with government?
- They’re traditional and important for the security of the state.
- ERASE THEM ALL (and replace them with crosses).
- If anything we need more and they should be more strident.
- They’re probably harmless but I don’t care one way or the other.
How about rhetorical education?
- It’s vital for the perpetuation of my class interests… I mean the smooth running of the empire.
- I officially disapprove and will publicise this via a highly polished oration.
- Only if it’s a handmaid to proper philosophy.
- I’d rather people learned useful stuff like law than how to pontificate platitudinously.
If you have to spend your cash, do you pay for churches and orphans or theatres and public banquets?
- Panem et circenses forever.
- Won’t somebody please think of the children (and the priests’ salaries)?
- Spectacles are stupid, how about temples and sacrifices instead?
- A mix of both though to be honest I’d rather hoard all that sweet bribe money.
What do you make of monasticism?
- I don’t understand why we have these newfangled monkish celebrities.
- It’s brilliant.
- It's on the right lines but with the wrong gods.
- Sounds like a tax-dodge – we should conscript the lot of them.
Are barbarians a problem?
- Nothing old-fashioned Roman virtue and a good massacre can’t fix.
- They’d be ripe for conversion if I could stand the smell.
- Theoretically though to be honest commoners aren’t much better.
- I’m sure the emperor has everything in hand.
How would you react in the hypothetical (and, let’s face it, unlikely) event of the sack of Rome?
- I’d sulk in obscurity for the next thousand years and then pretend the last millennium never happened.
- I’d write a massive book about how it probably doesn’t matter and wasn’t my side’s fault.
- I'd make snide remarks about how things would be much better if I was in charge
- To be honest I always preferred Constantinople.

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