I SHOUT INTO THE VOID...
Thread Topic: I SHOUT INTO THE VOID...
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This will be my personal vent thread. Don't look at my posts in here, don't respond to them, don't talk or post, don't ask me if I'm fine or something. I just want to rant sometimes.
After all, I do shout into the void and hope to never hear an answer. -
idk what my mom thought she was doing.
she shouldn't get to grab my chest like that.
she shouldn't get to comment on what and how much i eat.
she shouldn't get to say i've gained too much weight after i finally learned how to eat more than a snack a day.
she shouldn't get to ignore my feelings and disrespect me the way she is.
she shouldn't get to disregard my identity like she does.
she shouldn't get to be in my life.
and i shouldn't be so scared to push her away, because what if I have no one else?
please say i will have someone else. -
give me a reason to think you care, because I don't think you do.
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"Same chairs, same rooms, same bed, same feelings, every day, until it doesn’t matter."
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i'mnevergoingtobemasculineenoughi'llalwaysbesomeconfusedgirlpleaseijustwanttobeaboypleaseijustwanttobeaboypleasesayi'maboyamimascenoughpleasesayiam -
i remember a hypnotist once offering to hypnotize me on discord so if that ain't a story
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i should've agreed, that'd have been pretty sick
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I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
"Your Result: Authoritarian / 100% /
Authoritarian parents believe kids should follow the rules without exception. Authoritarian parents are famous for saying, "Because I said so," when a child questions the reasons behind a rule. They are not interested in negotiating and their focus is on obedience. They also don't allow kids to get involved in problem-solving challenges or obstacles. Instead, they make the rules and enforce the consequences with little regard for a child's opinion. Authoritarian parents may use punishments instead of discipline. So rather than teach a child how to make better choices, they're invested in making kids feel sorry for their mistakes. Children who grow up with strict authoritarian parents tend to follow rules much of the time. But, their obedience comes at a price. Children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren't valued. They may also become hostile or aggressive. Rather than think about how to do things better in the future, they often focus on the anger they feel toward their parents. Since authoritarian parents are often strict, their children may grow to become good liars in an effort to avoid punishment."
(This is from the "What parenting style do/did you grow up with?" quiz on this site)
THIS DIDN'T NEED TO HIT THAT HARD -
Dude i love the fact that my ability to see my family after 25 years old rides on if i love myself enough to actually get on testosterone/cut my hair/change my name/etc
The good ol' prices we pay... I can be happy but my family sure won't be
But maybe it'll be easier to ignore then
I hope so -
suddenly it makes so much more sense why i lie so much about things i don't even need to lie about and also why i value privacy and not ruling other peoples' lives.
it suddenly makes so much more sense. -
Sometimes, I forget that other people have memories of me. That other people see the things I do or hear the things I say and see it as bad when I'm just trying to enjoy life.
Sometimes, I forget that people think of me in ways, and remember me in certain ways. Sometimes, I forget that they forget that they didn't do much better than myself.
Sometimes, I forget that people around me don't always understand that I just do things to have fun, that I don't mean to be annoying or hurt anyone. Sometimes, I forget that people see the things I enjoy as bad and harmful when it's really not even that bad.
Sometimes, people forget that I'm a living being with feelings, thoughts, emotions, wants, interests, and boundaries.
Sometimes, people forget that they can't just invade my privacy and get angry at what I do in my personal free time. That they have no right to know everything I do in the first place.
I always forget this, and it makes me uncomfortable every time something reminds me about this fact. The fact that the things I do in the privacy of my own personal accounts or in my own personal life have been invaded, and I was to blame for the things I do. That people assume I intend to hurt them or that I intend to be, as they assume, disgusting.
All I want to do is have fun. I want to enjoy the things I do. How I interact with my friends and other loved ones and what I choose to do in my free time are not mutually exclusive. I hate that other people get mad over what they find when they got too invasive.
And then they go and tell other people about the things they found about me like I committed murder. They talk behind my back and view everything I used to freely enjoy in a negative light now.
I just wanted to have fun. In my own privacy, in my own place, in my own head. Why does everyone assume me to be terrible because of that?
But I guess that's just how it goes.
Sometimes I forget how easily other people deem things as good or bad based on what they personally think. And sometimes I forget that I'm one of the very few people I know that have the "live and let live" rule.
But... Sometimes, I forget that I'm not always the one in the wrong for it.
Sometimes, I forget that all I wanted was to have fun on my own sometimes. That no one should've searched me down like they were my overly controlling parents. That all I did was have fun and do what I want in a way that wouldn't have hurt anyone if they just chose to acknowledge and respect the fact that I can have privacy. That privacy is a human right, and there is no reason good enough to breach it.
But I also sometimes forget that most people don't care. They just want to know everything all of the time, and get upset when they don't understand something. When they are presented with things they wouldn't necessarily do in their own free time, they see that as bad.
I didn't hit anyone. I didn't kill anyone. Hell, I didn't even yell at, threaten, or intentionally harm anyone. All I did was choose to have fun in my own privacy, and it was somehow my fault that they took it too far to try to understand me.
Sometimes, I forget that people don't like the idea of "live and let live".
And that makes everyone just as bad as each other, in some way.
Here's the lesson of this entire thing: Understand privacy. Understand privacy is a right, and that there is no reason good enough to breach it. If you can't handle that, then you should figure out where the problem is in yourself.
If someone isn't respecting your privacy, then you have every right to be angry at them. If they cross a very important line or any boundary, then you have every single right to confront them and stop them. Unless you are actually doing illegal things in your free time, you have no one you are required to explain to. If they breach your privacy without asking you at all, it doesn't matter what they find because everyone does s--- in their free time. Music, games, videos, whatever it may be, everyone does something.
Give people privacy. Respect other people. And, unless you fear your loved one is engaging in illegal activity or is intentionally harming people, leave them alone about things. Your fear of lack of understanding is not your friend's fault.
It's sad that I even have to say anything about this. It's sad that I even have something to say about this to start with.
Sometimes, we all forget that none of us are owed the explanation of someone else.
And, sometimes, we really need to remember it. -
Not sure why this even needs to be said but so many people have done this to me and it feels horrible. It makes it hard for me to trust anyone with anything. How do I know that my privacy is safe anymore? I don't. That's the issue. I, as a human being with thoughts and feelings, deserve to feel safe.
And then they get confused why I'm mad at them. They literally allowed themselves into my privacy without asking, searched me down with the intent on finding things "wrong with me", and broke my trust. That doesn't help with trust. That, in fact, ruins any trust you built up. If I wasn't telling you about it, chances are I just wasn't comfortable with telling you. By allowing yourself into my privacy without me knowing and then getting angry when you find things you don't personally like, you just hurt yourself and me.
All doing that ever did was hurt my trust, make me feel isolated, make me feel like I was dirty somehow, and make me nervous ever trusting anyone entirely. I still sit on edge all of the time. Whatever trust I had built up with the people who did that, it's not really there anymore. At least to the extent it could've been at if they understood boundaries and the fact that nothing I did impacted them, or was directed at them.
This is aimed, heavily aimed, and I hope the people that have done this to me, or done this to anyone else, realize where exactly you f---ed up.
You f---ed up by taking it too far and then blaming it on the person your invaded.
And, no, I'm by no means innocent of things. I realize where I went wrong. But I also realize that my boundaries were pushed aside for others' personal interest, and I realize that I never would've done that to them. That they hurt me and then were confused when I was hurt and angry. I'm not innocent, far from it, but I also know that they aren't either. At least I acknowledge it. They never did. They thought they were in the right every time it happened. I want it to have never happened, I want people to understand that breaching someone's privacy in general is bad. People will always do it, yeah, I get it. But friends shouldn't. Loved ones shouldn't. No one you put your trust in should think that breaking your trust is for the 'greater good'.
And people also need to realize that not everything is around them. I sometimes also have this problem, but at least I can know when and how to understand other people. I know that others can be hurt when I do things. The only way my privacy can hurt someone else is if they go looking through it. So, unless you're a parent to a child under the age of 13, or you are a law enforcer of some kind, then you don't need to do that.
Respect your friends, respect your partner, and respect your other peers. :3 -
Many people in life experience being behind others in things. In talents, in schools, in sports, socially, whatever. There always seems to be someone better than us, right?
For a personal example because I'm pretty good at those, most of everyone seems ahead of me in many ways. School settings are not my strongsuit and I struggle badly, both with intellect and social standards. I mean, my grades are passing, but average which is fine. My social skills do need some work, and I know that.
The feeling you get when you sit back and realize how far behind you are is overwhelming. Suddenly, you barely want to try because you aren't good at it anyways. There's someone better than you, someone who does good at things, so you just say that they need that spotlight for that because it's so good. Be it art, school, sports, or literally anything else.
Most people want a little spotlight, a little praise. The praise stops coming in when things get old. Like, when I first started writing, I was showing all kinds of people I was close with, so proud of my works. It's been falling behind really badly, and I know that, so the praise stops coming in obviously. That leads to the idea that you're just not working hard enough and that you need to try harder to get acknowledged, one thing leads to another, then all of the sudden you're stressed out from something that started as just a funsie little project.
But what about the average people? The ones who really aren't super good at something. Maybe mediocre, at best. They just want little hobbies, but then realize, "I'm never going to be as good as this other person. Why am I even trying?"
What about the ones who aren't super attractive? The ones who aren't super athletic? The ones who aren't super artistic or creative?
I raise a glass to other kids like this, like me. We're all bad at something, but realizing you're average or bad at something or everything you really enjoy is heartbreaking and discouraging. This is especially true when praise (or, lack thereof) is at play, because the amount of praise you'll get is something that may effect how well you do.
For those of you who have a passion, work hard at it, and do well, I want you to remember the people who work just as hard as you do in their field of interest only to watch you reach triple as far with the same amount of effort. The burning jealousy and pure anger they might feel. How they sit up at night, wondering how they could be so stupid to think they might've actually been okay at something; wondering why they have to work so much harder than you just to get half as far.
You talented people, people are pretty proud of you. Especially those who know what it's like to never be acknowledged. Most of them will tell you how good a job you did; how good you are at it; how amazing you are, even if they're so jealous of you and what you did it's killing them.
Give those people a little, "You're doing good, good job," next time you see 'em trying to do something. Trust me. There's a lot of people who would give anything to hear that for once. -
There needs to be a warning when meeting new people
"WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY ATTACHED TO OTHERS, YOU MAY FIND THIS PERSON LEAVING YOU VERY DIFFICULT TO DO. PROCEED WITH CAUTION OR LEAVE THE SITUATION"
I think it'd save me a lot of time -
I mean, c'mon, why would I figure he wanted to talk to me after all? He has other, better friends. I'm just me. It was just a few days, one on one in the morning. We talked about plenty, but it was just a few days. I was just really banking on having a close friend. I guess not.
Whatever, it's easier that way anyway, for everyone. It's easiest. It's for the best. I really just need to relax on this. It's not the end of the world. It's just one person I thought was trying to get closer to me. Ah, well. Whatever.
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