Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by, a promise broken.
Thread Topic: Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by, a promise broken.
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I figured it'd be a good idea to at least have a place for this stuff. I'm probably still going to default to using my main thread, but maybe there's stuff I'd be willing to put in here but not my thread...idk.
[ This memory, of how we used to be, that I can see, through the flames... ] -
I'm sick of feeling like this...it's been years, and nothing has gotten better. If anything it's just gotten worse. At this point I feel like a ghost of myself, an echo of what I, we, used to be.
Look...I know you don't need me. To be honest, no one does, I could just disappear from existence and nothing would change. But I need you. It seems like you like to be alone, doing everything yourself. And, that's fine, but it makes me feel extraneous, unnecessary, sometimes even forgotten about. You're so busy doing your thing now that it's normal to go a week - even multiple - without a word from you, whereas back then a week felt like forever. I know even just messaging you as rarely as I do now, that I'm bothering you. Do you even want to talk to me at all anymore? I don't know, and I can't ask because you'd either become upset that I'd even ask something like that, because of course you want to, or you'd just say no and that'd be the end. I have no idea which extreme it would be and that terrifies me.
I still want you to mean everything to me, like you used to, but sometimes now it feels like you don't want to mean anything to me, and that hurts.
Like...you haven't really done anything to provoke these painful feelings in me, but at the same time, you haven't done anything that would prevent me from feeling this way, so... -
Kinda having an existential crisis right now, freaking out about how long 2014 was ago.
It was triggered by realizing that's when Interstellar was released, and so roughly how long I've been listening to its soundtrack, or at least able to do so.
But also to be fair, my GTQ birthday is coming up and that was this time of that year as well. So i guess by freaking out about that I should also be freaking out about how long I've been here, which I have been for the last year anyway, so that's nothing new-
at this rate I'm gonn be ded in what feels like just months and that is terrifying
uhhhh
halp -
weird thing is, existential crises don't usually even affect me anymore since, well, i guess i've had so many since i was so young, that they're usually just whatever to me now
but this one actually made me feel something, for like 20 minutes. that is a lot these days -
I guess you finally realized I wasn't worth your time.
Funny how it was you who was afraid I'd leave you for better things in my life. I just thought circumstance would take you from me. Because that's how it always was before. I never expected you'd do what you were afraid I'd do, what others had done to you.
Is that what it was? getting back at life? f---ing uno reverse card? I don't understand -
Maybe I'd be okay, if I could just see you one more time...it's been so long...I miss you...
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Really, I'm still that stupid kid from fifth grade, just trying to get by in a world he doesn't understand. I haven't grown, I haven't changed, I'm basically the same. Just more damaged. Less optimistic, though to be fair I was always a worrier. I haven't found myself, like it feels like everyone else has, I'm getting unsure whether I've known myself all along or if there's literally just no "myself" to know in the first place, or if I'm so broken that I'll never be able to understand myself like other people understand themselves.
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Honestly, I kind of wish it had been my fault. I wish this was all because I did something (or didn't do something I was supposed to) and that broke things.
Because at least then, I would have something to learn. At least I could grow from it. At least then I'd have something I could work on and then either try again or move on. At least then I could understand.
But I have nothing. It's just something that happened and there's nothing I could have done differently that could have made a different outcome. What am I supposed to learn from that? That relationships are just like life itself, it can end at any time for no apparent reason and there's jack s--- you can do about it? Like, what am I supposed to take from that?
Makes me want to just not bother with anything anymore. -
It seems to all change around me eternally, always shifting. Different places, different people, people that come back and are different now.
But I feel the same. I feel like I'm still that dumb kid from all those years ago, trying to figure things out in a confusing and uncaring world, just looking for answers and people who will care and maybe even stick around.
And somehow at the same time, I know I've changed. I've grown, I wouldn't respond the same way to things happening as I did before. But I wonder whether I would make less mistakes, or if I would make more. As much as I would like to think I've grown, maybe I'm just slowly falling apart as I get older, and if the same things happened now I'd make even more mistakes, if I'd screw things up even worse.
I mean...on the surface level I feel like I've grown, but the more I think about it the more I doubt if that's actually the case. What if that surface level feeling that I have grown is just my excuse for not growing and changing like everybody else?
I used to take pride in the fact that I didn't change. Like, people could rely on me, I could be a constant that when everything felt confusing and wrong they could come to me and feel an echo of a time they understood better. But I get it now, that's not something people like to do, they like to forge a path into the future, and so me staying the same, if they stay around me it'll just hold them back. It's a curse, because I'm stuck as the dumb kid who has no idea what the f--- is going on or how to respond to it, and I'm never going to escape being that because I have no capacity for growth or change. The only change that can come to me is damage to the frozen image that I exist as. -
I'm so sick of feeling this alone...it hurts so much...
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I'm tired of just being an extra in everyone else's stories, if I can't be anything meaningful, why even be at all? Certainly not for myself.
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I miss her to the stars and back and she never even knows. She knows I miss her, but she could never know how much.
I wish she could understand. Maybe then she could understand some other things too. -
My soul yearns for you and I have no idea if you feel even remotely similarly and that terrifies me.
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I love you. I just want to be near you. I just want to hold both of your hands and look into your eyes and tell you that everything is going to be okay because I will always be here through thick and thin til death do us part so that we'll always have each other. No matter what happens, no matter how much life may suck we'll always have each other.
But sometimes I fear I'll never see you again at all, much less do that with you. And with each day that passes, never seeing you again becomes the more likely outcome, and I don't want to live a life without you. -
...And with that, chances are, that I'll never see you again. You're too busy for me. Busy with someone else.
I had my chance months ago and I blew it and now I have to pay for that for the rest of eternity.
Why does everyone move on from me so easily but I can never move on from them?
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