Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by, a promise broken.
Thread Topic: Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by, a promise broken.
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It's been nearly five years that I've felt like this. Waiting will not do anything. Might not be possible to change even if I try, much less if I do nothing and let it continue. Half a decade of no progress, if anything only getting worse, if that's not an early sign of being permanently broken, I don't know what is.
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It's always possible to change, just do one good thing at a time. It's better than only getting worse. Believe me, I thought is was impossible to change as well, but just change one tiny piece at a time. Many people change when people thought they were incapable of changing.
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Your totally ok… jus try wait for the right thing.
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When someone is your whole world, and you lose them, it really is like losing your whole world. You feel as if you have nothing left, like you have no future, because you have no world to have a future in. How are you meant to live, how are you meant to have a purpose, when you've lost what feels like everything?
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Tough times don't last, but tough people- people like YOU- do.
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yes. you are strong, resilient, and smart. dont let the world bring you down.
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I fear, no matter how many people care about me, no matter the people I'm so close to. I will always feel alone. I know I'm not alone, but somehow, as f---ed up as it is, that doesn't seem to matter to the emotions. The emotions say that I'm alone, have always been, always will be. I try not to listen to the emotions, because they say things like that. But that just leaves me cold and numb. Essentially dead. What must I do? What must I sacrifice to be happy? Is there even any way, or is my fate to be doomed?
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Decay forgets nothing.
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Am I the bad guy? I'm the common denominator, and it's always the same story. So many times I've been told that I'm not bad for being how I am, but it keeps causing problems anyway. Are they just being nice? Are they just trying to make me feel less bad about being a bad person? If I'm a bad person why shouldn't I feel bad about it? But if I'm not then why does it feel like I'm at best just a burden and/or a bother to deal with?
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I just want things to get better but they never do on their own and I don't know anything I can do to make them better. And when they do get better I always fumble things somehow and f--- it up. All that's left of me is the mistakes. I used to hear some of the lyrics of Starset's "Unbecoming" as,
Now I wait,
This metamorphosis,
All that is left is the shame
Selfish fate, I think you made me this!
Under the water I wait...
I've known for awhile now that the word is "change" not "shame", but I still hear it that way often because I can relate to that a lot more. Honestly, the correct version is more like the opposite of me. Not only am I not reduced to the change, but honestly a lot of the time I wonder if I change at all. I look back and see all the things I'd do or say differently, but does that make me any different, any better? Is it any fundamental difference in who I am or is it just oh, well that didn't work so I won't do that again. I don't feel different really. I still feel like I'm the same me from five years ago when I broke. I feel stuck. The only thing that I feel like has changed is that I'm left less and less complete, less of what I used to be but nothing coming in to replace it, like what normally happens to a person, just less of a person as a whole. The only thing left being why I'm like that, my mistakes, the pain, the shame. And it's all my fault. It's all my fault for wanting what I want and being who I am. Sometimes I wish I could just break and stop being me so that this wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wish I never existed so that I couldn't have made my mistakes and made life worse for people. -
i will never be anything without you by my side
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I can feel that you're going to be completely gone soon, if you're not already. I'm not okay with that, but there's nothing I can do about it, you've left me with nothing I can do. Maybe outside of something extreme, but I think that would just push you away even more...I don't think I can survive entirely without you. All the things I told you would happen if I lost you, they're all slowly happening and it hurts so much.
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The pain is so immense. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever dissipate or if I will carry it until the end of time. I suppose if I will carry it forever,, that's just what happens when a whole world, a whole timeline dies. The logical result.
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I'm never going to feel better. People keep telling me that it just takes time. Even if that's true, if half a decade doesn't do it I don't know what will. But honestly I don't think it's a matter of time. I think sometimes things break you. And sometimes no matter how hard you try, broken things can be broken forever. Some wounds don't heal. Some minds don't change. Some scars never fade.
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Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever love again. Sometimes I know that I won't.
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