under your skin
- Locked due to inactivity on May 23, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: under your skin
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I didn't think I needed a venting thread....
One year clean.
One year without making myself throw up.
Dealing with some pretty bad old habits again.
Needed a place to talk about it -
Starting tomorrow I plan on fasting again. First time since July, 2020.
I'm feeling pretty confident in my ability to keep with it but needed to talk through my process somewhere to help keep me on track. -
I'll make no pretences this is an eating disorder.
I plan on losing 10 lbs in three weeks
I do not advocate this for anyone. I just have to do it for myself because I feel out of control in my own life and this is what I feel like I need.
Word of advice: don't talk about your 100 lb 13 year old behind their back and call them fat when you think they can't hear you. A whole decade of dysmorphia and food anxiety later and I still don't have a healthy relationship with food.
Nothing I'm doing is "healthy." That's not the point. The point is results. -
Self harm is also hard. One year clean but lately I've just been getting these itches.
My mouth salivates and my wrists feel heavy.
Those are the cravings
Where do they come from? Why do I have them?
There's no answer to those questions.
Self harm is not a habit it is an addiction.
Just like a smoker catching a drift of nicotine. An alcoholic in a bad mood. Anything can make the cravings resurface.
I think what I love most is the blood. The feeling of it dripping down your arm Seeing it makes me feel like I actually accomplished something. The more of it the better job I did.
Talking about it makes me want it but it's also very soothing.
Sorry if this is inappropriate. If a mod thing this content isnt okay just lmk. -
The only reason I stopped cutting was because of them. Because it hurt them. That's the only reason I'm not doing it now.
It's hard sometimes though. I don't need a reason to do it. No feelings of sadness or despair.
I just need those cravings and then there I am pushing cool metal down my wrist.
I really don't think it's even that bad. I take pride in my scars.
Many self harmers are ashamed but I am proud of my handiwork.
Maybe this goes into a deeper mental illness but I haven't thought about it in so long. I've just been going through the motions
The only reason I'm not dealing with other mental illnesses as bad anymore is because I'm terrified of being depressed.
Being depressed and being an adult don't mix. I can't pay the bills if I'm self destructing. -
Maybe these thoughts and feelings I have are just the mania.
I used to get hallucinations
When I was seventeen I stayed up all night because the birds wouldn't stop chirping in my room. It was so subtle at first it passed as normal but once I noticed the started screaming.
The next morning I walked outside to catch the bus and I saw a shadowy stampede of animals running towards me. I told my brother and when he went out to see and came back in very concerned I just broke down crying.
The feeling of realizing that your mind deceived you is scary. When I came out of my delirious state I realized that it felt like I was asleep the whole time. The birds. The stampede. It was like I was sleepwalking. Like I wasn't in control of my own mind.
The delusions lasted for months after that. I cut out all coffee and had extremely bad CFS. The doctor never figured out what was wrong.
All that to say I feel like my mind is slipping back to the way it was when I was experiencing hallucinations. It's scary. I'm scared of not knowing what's real again. -
I did a good job today! Black coffee for breakfast and just some rice for dinner. Definitely proud of myself. Excited to keep up this momentum. Daily logging should help me stay on track.
It isn't advisable for everyone but this is really the best way for me to be healthy.
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