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- Locked due to inactivity on Jun 30, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: .
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I would prefer to not receive help or sympathy, thank you in advance.
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Sometimes I just want to talk to myself for a while, and I need to get myself under control. People are too much noise. When that happens, I need to empty my head. The delusions only feel stronger and I do not want to believe them anymore. It is very painful. So in some ways, seclusion is comforting and the absence of the human mouth is all I need sometimes.
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Perhaps if the house did not leave me with these levels of damage to the brain, I would have an easier time communicating with other people. They would probably understand me, then. They do not always understand why I need to be alone, or they say they do not understand me and where I am coming from or why I do or say such things. I wish I could speak, I wish they understood.
The psyche is a dangerous place but people are overwhelming right now. -
I am still trying to comprehend the fact they left me with physical complications in my brain and body. It is easier to accept the mental damage, in regards to illness. The neglect damaged my brain, and it is underdeveloped in some regards. My muscles did not grow properly, because I was malnourished. I am, attempting to, at least, comprehend it. I wish they had not extended it so far. There is too much I have to fix now and I wish they loved me enough to not create such a mess that it is. Everything else is overwhelming for it feels they truly, truly despised me.
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It is difficult.
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I suppose, it has been weighing down on me. I know one day I will accept it. Fully, that is. I knew in the back of my mind that it was all true, yet at the very least I wished to neglect that fact and only give attention to the half of it. I suppose in some ways I simply wished for a tiny flicker of light in those times, even if I knew it was wishful thinking and simply a way for me to be ignorant of all that went on. Yet, I know that it is obvious reality shows there to be no light in those moments. It is unfortunate, yet one day I shall accept it for all that it is. So I suppose, not all hope is lost there.
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Perhaps I misunderstood what they said. Even if they told me clearly what the reason for these issues were. Perhaps I am simply making it out to be this way. Perhaps that is wishful thinking, yet again?
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They said it to my face. So I should know better than to doubt it. You are right, I am sorry there. Still.
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I thought all the messages were fake, that my eyes were deceiving me. Which is why I had to take a break from people these past days. My brain, it does not make sense all the time. It felt like my eyes were deceiving me. Perhaps I was seeing messages differently from all else who were seeing them. That my eyes were playing tricks on me. Lies. Well, I had to take a break. I overthink and I reach a point where I stop making sense. I reach a point where the emotions are overwhelming, as is the stress, and my thoughts become delusional. I am sure it is just the stress, but it is exhausting fighting with myself and questioning everything.
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Of course, they are but fleeting thoughts.
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It is not as though any of it truly matters, however. So whilst I say all of this, it is not to be concerned about. I simply say it as I have not anything better to do.
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Well, reality feels false again. I am not yet sure how to create it so that is reality again but it shall happen again at some point. Of course, the timing of such an event is unspoken of at this very moment. It is likely the overwhelming case I am feeling, so it will return to normal at another date or time.
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Well, reality is unfortunately real.
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Yet it is difficult to feel so. Well, I suppose that could be ignorance or self indulgence preventing me from thinking so. Sometimes you escape reality, whether you intend to do so or not.
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Grounding shall happen at some point.
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