Yo, what if I died

• Locked due to inactivity on Dec 20, '19 3:54am

Thread Topic: Yo, what if I died

• Philthy Newbie

  5 years ago
  That's okay, the last one was quite violent. It was written in an angry stupor, since I had just gotten out of an argument. You'll have to forgive me for that.
• Philthy Newbie

  5 years ago
  Since I'm here, let's have another "ted talk" as they say.
  
  I haven't really got a subject, since I don't do well with my own emotionality... hmm, How about that? Emotionality.
  
  I'd say I personally have a negative emotionality, though sometimes my outlook is more analytical and questioning rather than downright pessimistic. Some would say I'm a realist, others would say I'm a pessimistic optimist of sorts.
  
  Oh, I just saw lightning! How exciting. Though, it's not raining as far as I can tell? And I don't hear thunder? Nature is .. strange. I guess me and nature are similar in that way.
  Turmoil, conflict, growth, sometimes beautiful, sometimes violent.
  
  However, one major difference is that nature is constantly changing, constantly being destroyed, constantly getting saved. I'm stuck in the sameness. The sameness, it's like glue or gel, thick, impossible to push through, hard to breathe in. Suffocating.
  
  Everyday is more of the same. Even on the days that I go to events, even on the days when I'm productive, even on the days when I do nothing, it's all the same. Every second I'm breathing, I'm doing something, I'm active, I'm not active. I live by everyday just surviving and never living.
  
  Then again, I digress (as always). With me being unable to connect with my emotions properly, I have this straight face. When it smiles or frowns or gets angry, it feels so out of place, because it should always be a straight face and it's always been a straight face. Nothing surprises me, nothing makes me upset, nothing brings me joy anymore.. Atleast, not for long. And it's all because of my lack of emotionality.
• Philthy Newbie

  5 years ago
  I'm back.
  
  Fair warning, this rant in particular might turn into a vent. But what else would you expect, as this is the nature of pessimistic-esque people like myself.
  
  I'm really
  really
  really
  really tired.
  
  Of course it's my own most grievous fault for procrastinating in the first place, but I can't help but wonder why I can never seem to get work done. I either underachieve or overachieve; there's no in between.
  
  When I overachieve (as I most often do in this particular subject, which, if you haven't figured it out already, are school assignments) I go way beyond, to the point where I make atleast a low A, but more often than not a high A or 100
  
  But on the complete opposite side of the scale, I underachieve. It's few and far between when this happens, but it is occuring more and more often, which worries me. When I underachieve I do nothing. Not a thing. If I start work on an assignment or project, you can bet that it'll one of the best you've ever seen, but if I underachieve there will be nothing at all, not even a flimsy attempt.
  
  On a completely different note, because this just happened to come to mind, I'm counting down the days for when I can run away from it all. Whether physically or emotionally, I don't care. If it's physical I'll have either died or actually ran away, but if it's emotional I will have finally cracked. I wonder what'll happen then? I was fragile from the start, but the world would wrap it's gnarly talons around me anyway, and it'd pile things on me as I piled things onto myself as well.
  
  I'm resilient, like a diamond perhaps. Emerged after applying kilobars and kilobars of pressure. But so very, very brittle. I can already feel the cracks, the little voices in my mindscape that come in with a remark that literally stops me in my tracks. I can almost see the cracks, I can hear the creaking as I tear myself apart, and as everything else only helps in the tearing.
  
  Huh, kind of dark.
  
  New subject.
  I never enjoyed using the word "I" so much, you know? Everytime I do, I'm painfully aware of it. I feel too selfish all of the time.. it's quite drab.
  
  If only I could end everything. Maybe I won't feel anything anymore. Maybe I'll feel everything. Either way, I don't mind. Anything is better than being in a constant state of middleness.
  
  I don't know if you could tell, but I'm not an in between person. It's all or nothing. Something or nothing. Everything or nothing. In every aspect of my life I've been bouncing from the extreme side of the scale to the lower part, never lingering in the middle. Except when it comes to these dreaded emotions, and this mortal life. I'm tired of it.
  
  Really, really tired.

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