I think I may need a new start. *Trigger warning. Self-harm*
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: I think I may need a new start. *Trigger warning. Self-harm*
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AnonymousKnight NewbieI think that I may need a new start on life. I feel like the only constant I have are two people, whom will remain un-named even though only one of them is on this site. Lately, I feel like my life is falling apart. In my family, everyone basically hates everyone, except my oldest brother -he's younger than me but the oldest boy- and I. Today, we left the house for hours on end, just to escape and bond for a little while even though we had no where else to go.
I'm so stressed out because of my house, and how my family is. I'm not going to put anything personal out there because A- It's personal for a reason and B- I wish to keep my identity a secret.
I can not wait to return to school. It gives me a small break from my home life, and I have friends that can help me stay positive. But the summer is dreadful for me. Being stuck at home, because as much as I adore my friends, no one asks me to go anywhere. I'm pretty much just a loner.
Sadly, yesterday, I relapsed. I litterally told no one. Well, I guess I have now, to whom ever has decided to read this, but I didn't tell anyone else. Not in real life and not on this site. It had been so long since I had done it. A very very long time. But someone said something, that triggered me. I guess I couldn't hold all of that in anymore so I went for the razor I keep hidden in my dresser drawer. And no, don't worry reader, after this I'm going to a self harm prevention chat room I have used before, and it has worked for me. I'm not writing to get your sympathy or pity, hence why I wish to stay Anonymous. And please, if you do know who I am, somehow by my typing style or other clue, keep it to yourself.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Oh yes, my relapse. Yes, I did cut. 5 small ones, on my right thigh. Not deep enough to scar, only to hurt and bleed a little. Somehow, it felt like all the stress I hold in my chest, that tightness, released.
And then it hit me. Oh, how hypocritical I was. (There's more.) -
AnonymousKnight Newbie(Sorry, it stopped my typing)
Anyway, yes, I always knew I was a hypocrite.
Telling others to stay strong, and yet I, myself had just relapsed. I was so purely disgusted with myself, that I actually want to just cut again.
I don't know why that made sence to my brain, but it did. But I resisted. I wiped off the razor and put it back in it's hiding spot. I cleaned my wounds and put pants on. In hind sight I should just throw the razor away, through many points in the day I have thought about it, and yet it still lays there in the drawer. Maybe I'm not strong enough yet, or maybe I'm scares if I touch it I'll relapse again. I'm not entirely sure.
Either way, I need a new start.
I know it's not only other's fault either. I have caused stress for myself, many times. My own stupidity and ignorance has caused me problems. And I have vowed to work on these things. To become more mature, in a way. So I'm re-starting. Clean of stress, of caring about what my homophobic Christian parents think.(no offence to other Christians my parents just take it a step farther than most. I have nothing against your religious choices) So, I guess this little letter or whatever you my call it is my own "Declaration of Indepence"
I'm declaring myself a do-over. Not that everyone will forgive me for my mess ups, and I dont wish them to fogive me. But I need to forgive myself. So I can get better, because, I'm not okay, and that's okay. I have faith, a very tiny veil of hope. And as you all as my witness, I'm going to grab that hope and hold on as tight as I can. I'm jot giving up on myself. I've still got a little fight left in me. I know it. Even if no one else does. -
thats an awful lot of insincere text
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Nikt NoviceOh, poor you. I hope you'll be okay soon. I believe in you. You can do this, I know it. I can imagine how you feel (yes, I have family-hate problems too) and, after raeding your letter, I'm sure that if you won't lose hope and faith, you'll be okay. Be storng. You're not alone.
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