Now, picture this for a minute.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:30pm
Thread Topic: Now, picture this for a minute.
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You never put your hair up so you can hide behind it but you still keep five pony tails on your wrist with the notion that "what if I get anxiety from my hair bothering me?!"
You hide behind a jacket and jeans every day, regardless of season, even though you would rather be wearing as little as possible, or if it was legal, nothing. You believe in naturism and you're comfortable with nudity but the thought of people you don't know seeing your skin--even just your arms--terrifies you.
In fact, if anyone even looks at you, you feel like you're being judged and start contemplating what you're doing wrong. Are you in the wrong class? The wrong school? The wrong planet??
Every time someone looks at you, you want to disappear. You feel like your existence is a burden, even to people who tell you they love you every day.
You cry when you're bored. You panic when you're bored. You can't even tell if you have anxiety or if you're just bored. You can't tell if you're crying over your anxiety, if you're panicking, or you're just f---ing bored.
Drinking caffeine is like drinking a bottle of anxiety potion..
You listen to the same song over and over because it calms you down. If you change it to a more upbeat song, you may panic, but if you change it to a slower song, you may cry. You usually just avoid music all together.
You get sick of things quickly and crave change (because your regular routine triggers unpleasant memories....and pleasant ones, which are typically even worse....) but once things start to change, you panic that they won't end up how you planned..
Every decision you make is based off of "will this cause anxiety?" Every f---ing decision. You can't take even the slightest of risks if they might cause you to feel uncomfortable.
You sit in the middle of class blushing furiously for no reason. Nothing happened. You literally cannot control it, every time someone talks to you, you irrelevantly blush.
You're good at public speaking. Hell, if you didn't have anxiety, it could be your f---ing talent. But every time you stand in front of the class to speak, your voice won't work and your face flushes bright red.
You walk past a teacher in the hallway, who greets you with a friendly "Good morning!" You open your mouth to say "morning" but no sound comes out. Saying one simple word is a stressful process. Embarrassed, you rush past them and avoid eye contact with anyone.
You can't stop moving your legs as you sit in class, trying to find a position that doesn't give you anxiety. If you're able to sit in class comfortably, you're thanking the f---ing Manitous for that rare moment.
You're sitting in the corner in class, cringing as the teacher announces you're getting assigned seats. Not because you want to sit by your friends. You want to sit alone with your back to a wall where no one can have their eyes on you without turning their heads to the back of the classroom. She seats you in the front, with another student directly behind you. You feel yourself starting to blush for no reason and try to calm yourself down.
You keep your hair covering your face for the rest of the day but keep checking your wrists to make sure you still have your pony tails.
You finally get home and immediately take your clothes off. You're much more comfortable with naturism. You're in absolute heaven for about an hour as you talk to people on the internet without anyone looking at you or judging you.
The lounge suddenly starts to die and you feel alone. You get dressed and grab food from the kitchen to keep yourself calm. Immediately after you finish your snacks, you feel like puking. You swear that you hate food and that you'll never eat again, a practice that takes place at every meal.
You get back on your phone and realize you're the only one on the forums. You start to panic and wish you were back at school, surrounded by people. (Ironic because once at school, you wish you were at home where no one could look at you and judge you.) You eventually go to Tumblr and manage to calm down.
You look at the time. It's 9:00. You realize that your phone is going to be taken in two hours. You feel yourself panicking a bit but once again calm down with the help of Tumblr.
After spending an hour and a half on that damn blue website, you realize you've got only a half hour left. You're seriously starting to panic. You want to talk to someone on Tumblr but are worried about your parents viewing your blog. You log into GTQ and start to talk about your anxiety, only to be called a self-diagnosed attention whore.
You then slowly begin to do the same thing you do in real life; try to post in your apartment thread without anyone noticing you. Even though you want someone to notice you, to ask you about your anxiety, you feel like your existence is a burden and your anxiety an embarrassment. You don't even post in the other threads anymore. You want to disappear.
Then comes 11:00 and your phone is taken for the night. The thing is...you're perfectly fine! You're tired anyway. But you start to panic as you think "but what if I panic?!??" You panic just thinking about the possible panic attacks that could occur without the internet to calm you down.
You eventually fall asleep. The next morning you oversleep and are late to class. You don't feel anxiety while asleep. You don't deal with life while asleep. It's like death, only temporary. Every single morning you have the same reoccurring thought: "Next time I get woken up I'll just make it permanent."
You then repeat the cycle. You go to school, panic, come home, panic, fall asleep panicking. Every single day.
And on top of it, you hide it. All of it. From everyone. Every single day.
So, you guys tell me. Is this anxiety? Something else? Or am I just being an overdramatic attention whore? Because I honestly don't know. I just know that something's wrong with me, whether it be actual mental illness or me just being dramatic.
***Btw didn't even include half of what I wanted to say really, and there's no way to describe how anxiety actually feels but hopefully I got my point across -
Idk...has a doctor said you have anxiety? I just wanted to say I read all of it and I get some of those things. Like when people say hi and you feel like you can't talk back.
I felt the same about not wanting to sit in the front where everyone can see you, it makes you feel really obvious like everyone's looking at you, but I didn't acknowledge I felt like that, I just tried to make myself not feel like that. -
I haven't been diagnosed with anything as far as I know.. And idk if that's just normal for people or if it does have to do with anxiety? Or something else?.. Thanks for reading this btw..
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Some of this sounds like Obsessive Compulsive, to be honest.
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Almost every person here has some form form of anxiety.
Stop complaining about it here, tumblr is there for when people want to complain. -
It does..? :0 I was kinda wondering about that too actually.. Thanks Rain..
Geek, I've been quiet about this for....well, as long as I remember and I have no one else to talk to, not even my own parents, so I'm sorry but I needed to get this out. Also, I'm not complaining, I'm genuinely asking for an answer here. I don't claim to actually have anxiety.
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