I've lost all my will to live.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:28pm
Thread Topic: I've lost all my will to live.
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In 8th grade, I was bullied. Every day after I was betrayed. I actually thought I was going to make friends. Too bad friends are for normal people.
They betrayed me, and after that they were always backing me into corners and harassing me until I couldn't take it. 20 at a time. It wasn't just a group of popular b----es either. It was everyone. It was practically a sport to see how quickly they could shatter my spirit. They would complain every time I was put in a group with them and then spit in my face. Even the smallest of children were involved, I got pelted with crap every time I saw them, and guess who got blamed if I tried to fight back? Me. Every time.
Nowhere was safe, especially not the bus. They tried to rape me on the bus. I kicked them all nearly unconscious, but when any adults found out, they didn't believe me and I got held after school for punishment.
Nearly everyone who claimed to be my friend betrayed me somehow, there were a few real friends who I am very grateful for, but one of them actually stabbed me several times in the arm with a broken pencil and called me a fool for trusting him.
I won't go into detail on it, but let me say there were many unexplained injuries I came home with.
Two and a half years later and I still can't get over it. I have flashbacks and nightmares as well as constant panic attacks and depression should it even be mentioned. I can't read stories about middle school because they make me remember what happened, and I can't function for the rest of the day.
I'm not dealing with that anymore, but I can't trust anyone. Even my own mother scares me, because I think she's lying about loving me. I can't see an approaching group of people without thinking they're going to do something bad to me.
Even unrelated to that, I can't do anything social right. I always end up hurting someone because of my stupid Asperger's and how much of an insensitive, selfish a--hole it makes me feel like. All I care about are other people, but I can't seem to do anything good for them. It's one thing being hated by so many people, but it's another when you realize they were right to hate you. I can't show empathy even though I feel it to a crippling degree. I spend nearly all my day worrying about hurting someone, and then I hurt them.
That's why I want little more than to die. Not just to end my own suffering, but to end the suffering I've caused others. I've been a huge burden to my family with all of my mental weakness and inability to help them.
Just to die, it's all I want anymore. I'm not even concerned about my grades, or a career, or even revolution lately. I'm just going to f--- it up somehow. Just f--- my existence and all the pain it's caused undeserving people.
I'll be doing everyone a favor if I just go away. -
I...I'm not sure what to say...I....*hugs forever*
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I don't know you very well, but we were all put on this planet for a reason. We were all given a chance to live for a reason. That reason was not to commit suicide. Everyone is living to discover their destiny or fate. No one knows for sure when they will discover it. Your destiny just lies further ahead. So don't end your journey. Don't publish an unfinished story.
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I'm too chicken to kill myself, you don't have to worry about that. I'm just not really alive either.
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They say "know who your friends are", but it's complicated to trust folks who assume they'll have your back, but instead stab it in the end.
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You're one of the awesomest people I know
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Still really not going to kill myself. Just don't think I'm ever going to be whole again.
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DON'T YOU f---ING DARE. STOP. RIGHT NOW.
Look, woman. Now don't just shrug this off as "oh whatever trying to be inspirational," because I f---ING MEAN IT. There are people out in the world, that aren't s---heads. However, while you're stuck with the douchenoggins, they very well are, too. By now you've learned that nothing comes easy. Finding your people won't be easy. But when you find them, it'll be so worth it. These are the people that hold your strengths above your weaknesses, because they know that you'll do the same. These are the people that will do anything for you, because they know you'll always be there for them.
And when you find them, you better f---ing cherish them, because all of you were made to make one another's lives rock. -
Thank god. Holy Hephaestus, that scared me. I hate when people say they're going to kill themselves. I just have a sense of injustice about it. I'm happy that your not killing yourself.
We all have live in the real world, and lives online. If your "friends" aren't going to treat you like a friend, then some online and talk to the people who care about you. -
I understand, I was also bullied by my entire class in eighth grade, constantly betrayed by "friends", had my heart broke so many times that now I don't think I want to ever love again, been through too much s---...
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I doubt I'll find love in that sense. I'm 16 and just learned how to interact at a 13-year-old level.
The divorce rate for marriages involving a partner with Asperger's is 80%-90%. The odds are against me. -
But I do feel sympathetic for you hun, don't give up. Live, and become what you want to be, and don't let anyone or anything stop you. But I do understand especially with the depression and anxiety issues, I used to have seizures from it.
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No, you're not doing anyone any favors by going away. We care about you, Appa. Nothing I can say over the Internet is going to make it seem alright, but we do care about you. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
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aww appay D: I think you're an awesome person, that's horrible that you had to go through all that stuff DD:
I don't even know what else to say, just that none of that shouldda happened to you, that's not right, you're a great person. definitely don't blame it on yourself.
You know everyone here loves you and cares about you -
Thank you.
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