Kinda a rant I suppose.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: Kinda a rant I suppose.
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I was thinking for some time today and I realized that, my middle school years were the best years in my school life. All three of them were my best years, despite being as suicidal as I became.
Sixth grade I had friends. A bunch. Everyone in the school knew me. My teacher (I only had one teacher) became like my second mother. Everyone was fond of me and I don't remember anyone disliking me. But I felt alone. But.. I always had someone to talk to. The ending of sixth grade I remember though that I began to contemplate self harm because that was also the year in which I realized I wasn't like everyone else. And I wasn't special in a good way, but I was strange.
Seventh grade was a move of school. Everyone became too cool for everyone else. No big deal. But yet I became more and more depressed, I dug a hole into that pit of sadness because people began to turn on me and I no longer as surrounded by friends. They found me strange. They found my casual way of dressing and my hard looks terrible. They didn't like me anymore. I began taking countless amounts of medication, some for internal viruses and others to make me sleepy. I couldn't go out anymore and I had to stay indoors a lot, and so that made my emotional conditions worse.
But yet this would be a vital year because it was the year that I formed the starting bond to the person who knows more about me than a lot of other people. The teachers adored me. I began to feel comfortable within those people.
The eighth year it increased, my loneliness and the pressure and hate on me. My eighth year I began to hurt myself for real, peeling off scabs and scratching at my skin until my skin was burning. I remember once I took a knife and dragged it on my dominant hand and the scar is still there. Sometimes I wouldn't eat.
While eight grade was a happy year it was only bearable because of that person who I bonded so well with, so well I began thinking of him as my dad. But otherwise I began to get lost and I realized how strange I was, how much of a freak I was, how much I hated myself and how much everyone hated me.
Now everything has become that blur again. I'm nothing again because I don't have those people whom I cared about. I don't speak properly to people anymore, and while I charm all the teachers I can't seem to even have myself like myself. The other day I took a pencil and dragged it into the side of my wrist out of my frustration, my anger over how I never improve and have that stupid hope that I will. I thought I might as well lose my hand from infection.
I'm up on medication again, this time stronger than before. It's gotten so bad that I had to advise my teachers at the beginning of the year that I would be taking pills in class.
The only difference from these years was that I had someone.. No, I had people. I had people to speak to before. And even if I never spoke to them they filled the void in me that wanted that affection I haven't gotten anymore because I hardly see my mother anymore.
Now I'm alone. I don't have anyone to speak to. And it may seem small, but it hurts. It really hurts. -
It's okay, if you would like to talk you always have friends on here.
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You can always talk to me!
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Talk to a tritanope.
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UnLoving NewbieWhat even is a tritanope??
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It's a form of colorblindess
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