I feel like I just need to say stuff
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:26pm
Thread Topic: I feel like I just need to say stuff
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Well you see, the fact is that people exist in an almost constant state of denial. There is some aspect of something that every single one of us is in denial about.
I am no different. And I feel that instead of advancing that constant cycle to the point of acceptance or complete mental breakdown, I want to get it out there. Saying it makes it real. Saying it puts it out there. The first step towards making an improvement is admitting that improvements can be made... So, here it goes.
I thrive for the feeling of being wanted; of knowing that I truly make a difference in someone else's life. I love having someone else WANT to hang out with me. I want to feel... important. This is not the problem.
The problem is that I am emotionally and socially crippled. I find it hard to smile, or laugh, or have a decent conversation. Even you people of GTQ admit that you find it difficult to talk with me. I'm off putting. I'm intimidating. I'm bland and grey. My humor is dry. My tastes are inconsistent. I am generally an unpleasant person to be around...
And I'm lonely.
My life isn't difficult. I won't pretend that it is.
I have a family that is there for me.
I have friends who like me and enjoy my company.
I have a girlfriend who I love and spend as much time as possible with.
But I am a generally lonely person. And the worst part is that it's made me paranoid.
The people around me; they are my power. They are what keeps me going through life. And I don't know how I could ever live without those kinds of people around me.They are my power, and like with all power, the only thing that people who have it fear, is losing it.
My closest friends all enjoy me for different reasons. My friend, who we'll call D, enjoys spending time with me because he tells me everything. I am his outlet. Similar to what I'm doing now with all of you. Other than that, we share no common interests. If he isn't telling me about his car or his job, he isn't interested.
My other friend, who we'll call G, enjoys talking about science, and politics, and the world with me. We also can vent to each other about other aspects of our lives. But we still have very few common interests.
My family constantly fights. There is always some silent feud warring on at the dinner table, or hushed swearing and slammed doors echoing through the house. And frankly, I don't know what I would do if anyone ever took action. Not violence of course, but even if someone asked me to pick a side. I couldn't live with dividing myself from people who have never done me harm.
These things and more are what play through my head constantly. They repeat over and over and make me fear losing the people who are important to me. Which in turn makes me even less sociable. Which in turn pushes those people even further away in a horrible cycle.
GTQ, I came here tonight to admit to myself and an audience that there are things in my life that I want to change. I've already tried to just stop worrying and give the people in my life as much faith, confidence, and trust as I possibly can. And yet by doing this I've ended up seeing even less of them than I was before. I feel like I am right on the verge of discovering what I need to change about my life. I am so close to finding that key to it all. And yet I find myself at a loss for ideas... And that is troubling.
Even though nobody will probably read this; thanks anyways for listening.
~Bob -
You're not the only one is all I'm gonna say
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While I've never been in that situation,I can imagine what its like.I really don't know much about anything but I'm here to listen-and pretty much everyone else on here is to I'm sure.
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