end is nigh
- Locked by The Coldest Sun on May 20, '23 1:38amReason: Intermission
Thread Topic: end is nigh
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feeling nostalgic for a time and place that never existed
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f--- I'm tired
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gonna go ahead and copy and paste my post on Facebook to answer some questions about me that I've gotten since my change in names and pronouns -
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hey everyone
it's been some time since I reached this decision and while I wholly anticipate some people will mock me and others will just remove me, I want to share it with you because to the best of my knowledge, everyone I have on here is my friend and would want to know what's going on with me
as a lot of you know, I've used they/them pronouns exclusively for years now. I appreciate the effort most of you made to acknowledge and respect that important aspect of my identity. today I want to tell you that my identity has evolved with time. I consider myself agender, but I would prefer to be referred to with whatever pronouns you personally think align with me. feel free to call me she/her, he/him, they/them, or it/its. I recognize that's a big change but it's always been what I wanted. using they/them pronouns only was merely a stepping stone to get to the point where I felt ccomfortable asking for this, because I wanted to know if people could separate me from the gender I was assigned at birth at all, let alone to this degree. I'm ready now.
I've also got a few names you can use for me, although road is still my primary name. I'll explain each name because one in particular is almost certain to cause some upset.
names: road, atlas, ozzy, or god
pronouns: don't care
road was a name I created for myself during a time in my life when the central theme was escapism. I consumed media like it was the only water in the desert I was dying in. when I found a character I really saw myself in, I made a little persona for myself based on that character, down to a name following a similar theme as theirs. road was the first and only one that stuck- a representation of a connection I felt to roxy lalonde. (yes I'm homestuck trash) I won't go into detail about roxy as a character because this post isn't about fandom. if you know, cool. if you look her up, please understand that I'm doing a lot better now. don't worry about me. over the years this name has become home to me and developed its own meaning. I aspire to become a path people can follow proudly. I want to guide people to where they want to be. that's all I ever wanted to do.
atlas is the titan tasked with holding up the sky, an unbearable and inescapable weight. this name resonates with me because I often feel like I've been given more pain and more responsibility than I can handle. dying isn't an option anymore, so there's no escape and I often feel overwhelmed. I borrow strength from the thought that the people in my life need me. I am straining but I am strong. this name also relates to a song with several lyrics I feel connected to.
"a traitor to country and glad, cuz my country's disgraced"
"you will close in on madness, and madness is not civilized"
"I'm not dumb and you people can't dick me around"
"I have come for my s--- and I won't take less than that"
Ozzy comes from what was originally going to be simply "Oz". I took this from The Wizard of Oz because I am learning and practicing witchcraft. It also serves as a simple reminder to find magic in everyone and every mundane thing. I told someone to call me Oz and they immediately nicknamed me Ozzy, which became familiar and comforting.
The one I'm sure is gonna piss some people off is god. I know, blasphemy, sacrillege, all that. This name has a meaning that is extremely important to me, and ties in largely to my religious trauma. I've been told by people I don't even know and people I've loved and trusted alike, all my life, that various aspects of my personality and identity have rendered me unworthy of love... by an entity presumed to be the definition of love. If I can't be loved and accepted by your god and your community, I will make it my goal to be the kindness I was promised growing up in church, to myself and to those like me that have been condemned. I will work every day toward becoming better, toward my goal of becoming a being of true love. I will be the answer to every prayer I can. I know some of you are deeply religious, so while it's not my intention to hurt or offend you, with all due respect, if you feel compelled to fight me about this, kindly just don't. If me going by a name that makes me comfortable upsets you, I'm truly sorry, but I hope you're able to see this from my perspective and understand that deities and religion in general have been nothing but pain for me my entire life. This discomfort will pass for you, as I am only a small part of your lives and you can call me by any of my other names regardless, but as a member of the LGBTQ+ community and an atheist, whether you claim these folks as one of you or not, people like me will always be the butt of unkind jokes, the villains in your stories and hellbound degenerates in the eyes of so, so many. I love all of you, but I owe nothing to a faith that shows no love, respect or mercy to myself and my brothers, sisters and siblings.
That said, this concludes my reintroduction to you all. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or message me privately. If you're mad about anything I've said here, decide for yourself whether you're willing to tolerate it or if I'm not worth that trouble, and act accordingly. No need to tell me what you think, just carry on or remove me from your life. I don't want to lose anyone but I'm not compromising my happiness and identity for anyone anymore either.
Have a great day either way. I love you all and hope this finds you well. -
(Im gonna add more later bc i gtg now but)
Heya road, thanks for sharing this with us, i hope you continue to find this as a place where you can share you feelings, and my dms are always open -
thank you denis
same to you, of course -
my dad is having surgery to remove a mass on the back of his brain in the morning. I'm terrified. I don't want to imagine living without him but it's all I can think about. he's a good man, and I've barely had any time with him. if you pray, please say a word for us. sorry to be a bother.
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and yes, I can see the irony in detailing how religion has scarred my soul in one post and requesting anyone prays for me in another. I don't care. I'm so scared and I just want someone other than the two people he has in his life to know and care about him.
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Prayer is manifestation. I will keep you both in my thoughts and my heart is with you. Wishing you both healing energy. 🌒
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thank you, anna.
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Praying
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thank you dav
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Oh damn, that’s sounds so scary! Im sorry to hear that, and hoping for the best for you
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thank you, denis.
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Also I forgot what I was gonna say before but I’m sure it will come back to me lol
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