Make dark jokes
- Locked by breadgirl69 on Apr 25, '22 9:28pmReason: Just let this thread die already
Thread Topic: Make dark jokes
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Santa Claus only comes once a year because the rest of the year he is in prison for breaking in to peoples houses
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa. -
Yo mama is so good at making a deal, the devil sold his soul to her.
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I just learned what a ho is. Now I’m not so jolly
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I don't like pearl harbor joke because my grandpa died
He was the greatest pilot in all of japan -
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
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What did the pickle say when he was being chopped up for a salad?
Nothing. It’s a pickle -
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Best Dark Humor Jokes
1. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
9. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
10. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
11. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
12. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
13. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
14. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
15. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
17. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
18. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
20. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
21. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
23. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
25. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
26. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
27. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
28. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
29. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
30. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
32. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
33. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
34. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
36. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
37. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
38. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
39. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
40. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
50. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
51. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
52. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
53. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
54. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
55. I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
56. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
57. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
58. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
59. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.
60. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
61. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
62. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.
63. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
64. What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
65. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
66. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
67. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.
68. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
69. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
70. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes
71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
72. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
73. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
74. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, peo -
-ple love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
75. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
76. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
77. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.
78. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
79. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
80. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
81. I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
82. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
83. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
84. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
85. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
86. People with Covid have no taste!
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87. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.
88. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
89. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
90. I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.
91. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
92. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
93. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
94. My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
95. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
96. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a word.
97. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
98. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
99. Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.
100. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof. -
What's the best about dead baby jokes?
They never get old. -
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Really Dark Jokes
Really Dark Jokes
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
The Best Dark Humor Jokes
The Best Dark Humor Jokes
Photo/Shutterstock
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park -
. It's not easy. You try finding thirty-two old guys.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
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