forgotten abyss
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: forgotten abyss
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I am toxic I feel so bad. I’m self aware and try to not be toxic but I just am and it’s so hard to change that
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I’m leaving the site. I never am on here and under certain circumstances, I will be leaving. hope you all will be doing well and wishing you all good luck and happiness :)
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I don’t know if I’ll be back, but I’m leaving. bye guys :)
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Nooo!
We can't aford to lose another user! We'll miss you.
Bye! -
last time i’m ever posting on here. he can see this i really don’t give a f---.
im only on here sometimes to check in on ello, i still wanna make sure he’s okay. he’s not a part of my life anymore and i don’t want him to be in it. only due to past feelings i used to have for him and our relationship. i just want him to see this and for anyone who has only his pov as well.
i got out of a relationship a day before me and ello started dating, i wasn’t planning on being in one right away but it just happened. i admit that yes, i moved on too fast. but that wasn’t the intention. i never used him to get over my ex nor make myself feel better about myself. i didn’t want to make him feel like a rebound. if i did, then that is 100% my fault. i was just wanting to make him feel loved and cared for, even if he doesn’t realize that now. the first i love you and the first moves were rushed into a month into dating. i do admit that yes, it was immature and was rushed. it was the honeymoon stage of course it was going to be rushed. but i didn’t want to make him feel miserable. i never wanted to make him feel that way. i knew his mental health wasn’t the best but i thought i could fix him. yeah it’s stupid of me to say it but i really thought i could make him happier and make him better. for me, i never could tell what i was doing for him. if i was making him happier or miserable. that was apparent in the last two months of our relationship. i spent a whole year with him, almost two years. i know i loved him, i really did. but when you give someone so much love and you feel like they will never realize you love them, it’s a lot. it’s draining. i gave him so much and gave him nothing but love all the time. i understand he was a person who needed reassurance, but even with my reassurance, it felt like i wasn’t enough. i gave my all trying to love him, i tried so much. i know that my messages weren’t enough, my love wasn’t enough, that’s because i didn’t know how to make him feel better anymore. i did everything i could. i felt trapped. i really did. im aware of my toxic behaviors and that i did f---ed up things sometimes, but i always accepted my faults and apologized. if i did something wrong, i apologized. in our last month together, he began lashing out at me despite saying he wouldn’t multiple times, it just hit me then that maybe we weren’t right for each other. that we were toxic. i just wanted love but the thing is, i realized that maybe we were outgrowing ourselves. maybe i was the one who outgrew him? but it just didn’t hit me until my
mom asked me about if i was okay and what was happening between me and him. she helped me realize how much things became toxic. i know i could’ve just been like “hey let’s take a break”, but that wouldn’t have happened. also, i felt like i had to give him all of my attention when i was with friends. i felt like no matter what i did, i couldn’t just be with anyone but him. or else he could’ve gotten jealous or overthink everything. i never told him to not be with friends or that i was jealous. only of certain people i had a feeling about. i know when somethings going on, i’m not an idiot. if i came off as manipulative, i’m sorry. i never wanted to make you feel like i manipulated you. i loved you, so much. but i don’t feel that way anymore.
when i broke up with ello, i was so scared that he would’ve hurt himself. or something worse. i didn’t want that to happen, but i know i hurt him emotionally. i know i did. im not here to do
anything but put how i felt in here. that’s all i want. i don’t wanna make this seem like “drama”, it’s all responses to his personal feelings and to those who don’t know why i did what i did. im not excusing what i have done or said. even hurt. but i’m just providing my own side. (i know it’s been almost 2 months since the breakup, but still).
im not going to be on here after this. i apologize for any harm i’ve done to any users on here and to ello as well. im already planning on apologizing in person, i know that’s the right thing to do right now. -
after this, you can lock my thread. im not even coming back to this f---ing website.
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