Ripper's Edge
Thread Topic: Ripper's Edge
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I'm probably too stubborn for my own good.
I don't listen to anyone. I kinda just go of and do whatever I feel because it feels good compared to everything else I have to do.
I mean...
I don't take anyone's advice and if I do, it's...well, that's complicated to explain. It's all complicated. I don't have to explain or justify my reasons, but that doesn't mean I'm always right, and I know that. I'm aware of everything I could be doing wrong in that area. But, it's always easier and better for everyone when I don't try to fix it. Fixing things just leads to more problems, the way it's been.
Between that and the breakdowns I've been having, things get hard.
Whenever I have a moment, either I try to relieve my pains through my bad habits, or I seek relief through the affections of some male or another. (But the second only applies to someone I could possibly have these sort of feelings for. And if they're not around, I only want to be with them.)
This is parasitic, though. I need to stop trying to attach myself to people...boys, in particular...boys that I probably shouldn't chase but I don't give a damn. I just want to feel better.
And I fall too easily for them. If they're sweet, a little tough, and kinda funny, that always gets my attention. I wanna pull away, but at the same time, I totally don't.
I have no idea where I was going with this, but as it goes, only two things are obvious:
1. I haven't the best control over any circumstances in my life, and
2. My deadly sin...is lust...
We all have bad traits or habits, sure, but I'm scared. And what scares me most...is that I like it. -
You don't have to change if you dont want to
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But, I do have to. If I don't...my life will end up far worse than it is.
You don't even want to know the things I fear but crave will happen to me. It's not like me to feel this way, but lately, all I wanna do is everything I shouldn't. -
I hate that your going through this but I know you have it in you
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Thanks.
I have to go. -
We support you here
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See you. -
Have a good rest of your day/night
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]
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I almost died last night. Somebody used illegal fireworks. I was having anxiety attacks to 12.
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One day, I was walking through the streets during an event held in town, and there was this boy leaning up against a stone column, chatting with his other friends who were all boys. (I think he was probably the leader of the pack. He was the oldest and tallest. Anyway) I was walking and I felt like someone was watching me, and I noticed that the chatter coming from that direction had ceased; so I looked up to my right and found him looking at me. It was like that moment lasted forever. Our eyes locked and we shared the same infatuated gaze as his friends curiously watched us. It was in that moment, we both realized that the other was looking directly into our eyes, and we both snatched our heads away at the same time. But, we continued to look back at each other as we carried on with our business. And as I looked back one more time, between his conversation in Japanese, he gave a shy nod and wave to me; I coyly waved back, barely able to move. Seriously wanted to walk right up to him and kiss him.
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Like, damn he was hot.
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If my mom hadn't been speed walking with me to find my aunt, I prolly woulda pulled up on him...or hung around to see if he woulda made a move.
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I have a compulsion, though.
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I'm satisfied with not going into other threads, for the time being.
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