Hello hello!
- Locked by Dark22978 on May 31, '20 10:29amReason: Owner's request.
Thread Topic: Hello hello!
-
But he, too, recommended meditation.. it is time.. to learn how tf to do that
-
"You're Takeshi Kovacs, but you're not my Takeshi Kovacs."
One of my top favorite lines -
POE CRYING IS MAKING ME CRY
-
Bring only the knowledge with you and leave behind the bad experiences
-
Meowth loves to wrestle and bite now that we've let him outside so much
-
kinda sad that my old upsetting am thoughts are slowly coming back. they make me cry a lot
-
Trigger warning: Death
I guess one of the reasons why I try so hard to be nice and avoid hatred or conflict is because I don't know what death has in store. I want to believe in a heaven or hell, but I don't. I'm scared it will be nothing. Or maybe even worse. Maybe it's an eternal loneliness. Trapped alone. The thought of it makes me cry and forget how to breathe. Writing that out is making me have a panic attack, but I have to say it anyway because keeping it inside is so much worse.
I just want to live knowing I tried to make everyone I met feel loved. Validated. Appreciated. Important. Because I really believe that everyone is important, and they deserve to feel those things. If you waste even a second of your time here on Earth harboring hatred, anger, sorrow.. I dunno, I feel like it's wasted time. For me personally. And I don't want to waste my time. I want to use it to brighten someone's day, maybe even their whole life.
So I guess.. that's why I fear it. Being hated or disliked. It means I've failed. I've failed my one goal in life. Instead of doing good, I did harm somehow. And I hate that. I hate the feeling that lingers of knowing I've done something bad enough to ruin their day. Or even their lives.
Maybe it's pathetic. Desperate. Unrealistic. But it's not.. it's not to have a good public appearance. I don't.. care about that. I just want to make what little time I have alive worth something. And every time I fail, I linger in thoughts and waste my time. -
When I say I am sorry, I mean it. While a small part of it may be to have some piece of mind for a fleeting moment, the main portion of the point is that I recognize I was at fault. I recognize that I did something that is inexcusable, and I'm aware that I should have done better.
It's become a bit of a habit of mine to apologize a lot, but.. If I take the time to not only apologize but go further and explain how I know what I did was wrong, then it should be obvious it isn't just to get you off of my back. It should be obvious that I felt genuinely guilty from the bottom of my heart.
But I know that it's hard. It's hard to know what's real or what's being said just to be said. I just. I wish that more people would understand that I really do take the time to reflect on things, especially now more than ever. And I mean it when I say something like that. Because, like I said, I feel so bad when I have done some kind of wrong that causes someone to waste their time feeling bad. It haunts me for a long, long time. -
And on that note, I'm sorry that I've been so.. down lately. Not just down on the inside, but on the outside. I don't want anyone to feel like it's their obligation to make sure I'm okay. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. There's nothing that anyone can really do for me. I choose to refuse medication due to the cost. I'm sure if I had some, there's a higher chance my off days would be less. But.. I'm stuck relying on therapy. That's all I have. And so, sometimes, I try too hard to pretend to be happy. I don't know why I do that. I guess it's because I don't want anyone to worry? I don't know. I'm not thinking straight enough to know the answer.
-
I'll try to page clear later in the morning, if I even remember I've said any of those things. I probably shouldn't have said them, but I need to say something where fewer people would catch on.
If any of you want to respond to any of that, you can, but.. I'm not sure I'll know what to say. I'm sorry. I never really know what to say these days. -
Do you want to talk?
-
I'm not sure? A part of me does, but a part of me doesn't know if I want to. At least, not right now? But thank you for asking.
Is it OK with you if I message you offsite when I wake up again, assuming I can fall back asleep? -
sure thing, but I might be asleep or at my appointment
-
Clearing the page for you but also I just woke up anx wanted to respond.
You know that's what I mean when I say you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, right? But you weren't put on this Earth to please other people, be it by divine powers or random chance. You're here for the same reason we all are: To learn, to explore, to love. I think youre doing just fine. -
I know this reply comes super late but
You're a really good person and I hope the universe starts to send some of the good you're putting out back to you
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
