My official thread
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 3, '19 3:54am
Thread Topic: My official thread
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Aw. Poor thing.
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In my world I remain
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All I ever feel is sadness. If I am not sad, I am blank. No thoughts, no feelings, blank.
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Cbat didn't help me. Its 1 am. Suicidal thoughts are back. I feel like I should've jumped off the dam on the trail I was on. Or if my closet wasn't so filled I would try to hang myself again. Or maybe overdose the third time.
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But I have Rachel
She needs me -
But she has her boyfriend and her other best friend
Maybe the thoughts will go away.
And then I will go back to being numb again -
Numb isn't the word. I'm passed empty. I feel like a robot. Just...existing. I don't feel human.
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It's miserable
Idk what happened in my childhood that caused this
My grandma thinks I went through mental abuse
But I want to wait on the psychologists call
Although the clinician at the cbat program thinks I have ptsd
I don't think that
I haven't been through anything like a war zone.
There are many worse things that could have happened.
Ptsd
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
I know I have been through some trauma. That's hard for me to say. I don't believe I went through a lot, even though part of me does feel that way.
Like I wasn't abused
I saw my mother being abused heavily but
I myself wasn't abused -
I'm afraid to open up my feelings to people because I'm scared of being diagnosed with something
Like I was pretty open with the clinician until she kept saying things like 'another symptom of ptsd'
I totally shut down on her. It can't be that I have something like that. It sounds so severe. Nothing too bad happened to me.
I flipped out and kept saying "I'm fine, to everything
And she said if I truly felt that way...and then printed out my support plan to have me discharged. -
But who cares?
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I know that my mom is toxic to me. But at the end of the day I find myself lost thinking about her. If I got a call that she died today....Would it be my fault? For ignoring her and showing apathy towards her. Would she actually kill herself over me like she says? She's tried before. Am I the bad guy? Would I be a murderer? Am I a monster?
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Anyways
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This thread is lacking something...
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Tibbles
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
