Land of Stars and Echoes
Thread Topic: Land of Stars and Echoes
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Striking a child demonstrates a complete lack of ability to parent effectively. You can't take the time to understand and work through whatever problems you and your child are having, so instead you're inflicting pain on them as a shortcut. It's a lot easier to make s--- go your way when you rule with fear, isn't it? It's a lot easier than treating a child like a human being. It's completely disrespectful of them as human beings, too. You wouldn't hit one of your peers when you disagreed with them. You couldn't get away with it. But your kid is your possession, and you can call it discipline and get away with it like that. I think it's disgusting.
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I've tried to change who I am more times than I can count
and maybe every now and then I manage to make something move a little bit but the complete overhaul I want is not forthcoming -
I either want to learn to be less severe and a better faker
or stop toning it down at all and just destroy everything -
sighs quietly
sits on the floor, curled up against a cabinet -
My name is Maru Taeryo.
I love cuddling.
I sleep on my left side because I fear that if I lie on my right side, my heart will fall to that side and kill me. I know it's not a rational fear, but it's deeply seeded.
I can't sleep unless I have one ear buried in the pillow and the other covered with something. When I was in elementary school, a presenter with a big spider came and told us about a few rare instances where spiders have crawled in people's ears while they sleep and nested there. I know it's unlikely, but I can't sleep unless both of my ears are covered. -
When I was younger, I wanted people to be afraid of me. I listened to loud, violent music, wore all black, and glared instead of just looking. I liked a few catchy pop songs, but because they didn't fit the mold, I refused to listen to them unless I was completely alone.
A few years ago, I tried to stop letting people control how I behaved. I intentionally played those catchy pop songs loudly and showcased an enthusiasm that I did not feel toward anything that broke the character I had already created just to prove to them that I wasn't letting them control me.
In both of those cases, I thought I was being true to myself. I like to think that's what I'm doing now, for real, but maybe I'm deluding myself again? -
Being alive is just a constant state of growth. I guess I can't really be mad at myself, even if, in the future, I come to realize I'm still letting other people sway me. I guess that's what this is about.
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Mm, but this is getting off the tracks.
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My favorite colors are black, lavender, and most shades of green (excluding neon green and anything on its level of obnoxious).
I intend to get a large array of tattoos, and want to be completely inked up by the time I die. I'd also like to get several piercings. -
When I was little, I played a lot of trading card games with Bro. Primarily Yugioh and Pokemon. I always lost because I made my decks with only the cutest creatures instead of taking power into account.
I still do this with my DS Pokemon games, but I can get away with that, because I can level them up to f---ing god levels and destroy the elite four with an Eevee. -
I think about smoking a lot. I don't know why. I know it's not healthy or cool. I think I just want to destroy myself.
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I'm starting to think I would like to be alone for the rest of my life, with no one knowing me or needing me, no one talking to me, no one depending on me. I think I'd do well just living quietly out in some secluded house, listening to music, drinking tea, gardening, cooking.. It would be so calm.
Calm seems to be a key component to any ideal future of mine. I feel like living in this house is like living in a warzone. I can never trust the quiet, because if it's quiet, I know it's going to get loud again soon. She seems to think that playing loud pop music and dancing around with your kids while you all clean once every couple of months, smiling and pretending you don't make their life hell every other day, is enough to excuse that fact.
I don't like living like this. -
Not even just this house. This town, with its police that watch me on her behalf. These relationships, half of which I maintain only because I fear that these people could retaliate and actually ruin me if I cut ties. This country, where mass shootings are a normal event and no one is safe no matter where they hide. There is nothing calm about this life. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells no matter where I go or what I do.
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I've wanted to write poetry again for a long time, but I have no muse. It's laughable, really. I used to write off of my misery, but now that I'm more miserable than ever, I can't bring myself to do it.
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.....This picture is starting to feel exactly like the black rose. I love it. I'm comfortable with it. If I keep it for four years like I did the last one, though, it'll kind of defeat the purpose of having changed it at all. I should change it again soon, before I get too attached to it to manage it.
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