my new official thread.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: my new official thread.
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:-/ okay. I will just go play piano then, I got my pedal fixed so I am trying to remember how to used it appropriately.
See you later. -
I. Can. Listen. To. Music. Again.
Dude, I have been going through some serious music withdraws. -
So since it is a weekend and the world isn't depending on me to do anything I am going to start my non sleeping mode up again.
I will be here all night if anyone wants to talk. -
I need a new profile pic.
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I have time to pastel again too!
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And I am finally reading the kill order.
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But let me tell you about something that happened this week.
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First of all, I think I have chosen this as my image.
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Okay, now I can elaborate
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So after my hellish day yesterday, I am going to weave together everything I typed down into one post.
I can't do it anymore. My dad said he would give me my tablet back if I got caught up in school work, but I can't think! My brain it sick of being a brain and I am sick of being Savannah.
I legitimately want to die. I haven't had any self confidence for the last two weeks and the one day I have a spark of self confidence it is crushed into the ground.
I was in the semifinals THE SEMIFINALS! And if woke up with the lyrics in my head; "when you feel depressed wih past regret the, the shame for miles you hope to forget, it can dissappear, it can all be washed away...". And then some girl told me I looked beautiful, and Sydney came up and talked to me and basically asked for my friendship, and then... then I had so much hope that things would get better and I went into debate and for once in my life thought I was doing good at it and I lost. I have never wanted to succeed at something so much. And people had been telling me all day that they hoped I won and gave me advice. And then I heard them call the finalists and I was crushed. I tried really hard to keep smiling and sincerely told the finalists that they deserved it and were really good, but none of thst matters be use I have always been able to do those things, what mattered were my eyes which if are in fsct, the windows to the soul, then my windows were wide open and hollow, there was no mistaking how crushed I was deep inside. Now I have to go back to school tomorrow and listen to everyone talk about the finalists and pat me on the back, and tellme I did a good job, and I don't want to do that. So I think I will just starve myself and stay up all night and then eat a lot of really rich food the next morning so I throw up and stay home from school.
This is a really big deal for me, I have never had so much hope crushed in my life.
Ha, nothing better than spending four hours typing an essay just to find out that we can't print it and I have to write it by hand.
I really wanted this essay to be perfect but my handwriting isn't nice, so if I want it to look decent I will spend another three hours writing it.
I am just really nostalgic right now. And my anxiety is back.
oh, and today was terrible, I have been ridding on hope all day and it keeps being crushed.
Hope that to would win debate,
Hope that I might actually be good at some things,
Hope that I might actually be pretty,
Hope that things will get better
Hope that to would get my tablet back,
Hope that my book wouldn't end the way it did,
Hope that I might actually be able to redeem myself,
Hope that my rocket would actually fly,
Hope that I don't have all the freaking illness that is coded I my genes so deeply,
Hope that to might actually have friends,
Hope today wouldn't end like it did.
All this was thwarted a seeing as:
I lost so badly in debate after I worked so hard,
I am failing at life,
I am ugly
Things just got worse
I don't have a chance at redeeming myself for it anymore
He died, and I cryed.
I am still not sure about this one...
It did worse than Spencer's.
I indefinitely have a lactose intolerance, and I have a eighty percent chance of having celiac, chrones, type two diabetes, and a few other things.
I don't, and if I did then I don't deserve them
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Well here I am now....
I tried so hard today... I really, really, honestly, truly, did. And I can't do it. The more I try the more I fail.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I want oh so badly to just give up.
And I never want any hope ever again. Never.
I have no freaking idea how I can go to school tomorrow. Even of I do go my brain won't be there and I will probably end up crying somewhere and then I will be sent to the student counselor, and then my parents will show up, and then I will have to tell the whole story from day one and I will never ever have the chance to ever see you guys again.
I can't type anymore on my phone. Sorry,
Okay, so that is what happened to me Wednesday spoken from the voice of me on Wednesday. I am still a little hung up over it.
But here is the thing,
*sigh* I just got over my hopeless day yesterday, and then found that one of the finalist wouldn't be there for the day of the finals and that I need to be ready to debate incase I get called in. I don't want anymore hope, I don't think my heart can take it.
Of course, it does take me feel any better seeing that I was in fourth place and I had hoped that I was in at least third place. But, that is the thing with me, I am too attached to hope.
I don't know if I can take one more week with the hope that I will get into the finals.
But I am almost done with my school work so it won't be long now.
So that was what happened Thursday.
Anyways, that might all sound weird written from the voice of a person who isn't alive right now. (Like Augustus)(soorry) -
Oh yeah, and I only have to do this for two more weeks.
Two more weeks of working my butt off twenty-fourhours a day, five days a week. After that I am free. -
Maybe I should water my plants.
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Ah, so I have misplaced my headphones and cannot listen to music.
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There is something not right about this. How the hell did I get twenty notifications? I hardly get four in three days.
I am turning airplane mode on... -
Oh my gosh, we are not even done with the school year and already my friends dad is going off about getting his daughter into high school and planing her college.
Dude, like seriously, give us a break.(I am including my in this because he likes to go off about my future too.)
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