Vanilla thread.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:32pm
Thread Topic: Vanilla thread.
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Last_Rimiss NewbieOh, so I shouldn't even be here right now, I am sort of falling a Sodom and Gomorrah thing looking back at temptation but it is too impossible to move forward without saying goodbye.
I have written so many notes to you guys over the last weekend that I have lost count. But I won't allow myself to type them to you because I won't open that my back up.
Over the last weekend I have experienced a severe spiritual reawakening. I have kicked and rebelled but I am surrendering now . You guys have become the center of my life and I cannot allow that. After many hours in prayer pouring my heart out begging for any alternative I learned that I can't stay. God needs to be the center of my life and I can't fit you guys in after that. This decision makes room for God alone.
on Friday I opened my heart out about a fear that has been consuming me as of late. I was petrified of being unable to help family and loved ones with there pain. You and Alex fit into this. I was frantic trying everything I could to help you two and I forgot, I am not the one who is going to get rid of your pain. God is, he always was always will be. Not doctors, not me, not anyone else.
Then I strive saying that I need to stay here and allow God to speak through me to you guys. He told me that he was going to pull me out of this battle. He told me that you guys will be made whole, but not through me, my work is done here.
Then I realized that You guys had become my center focus. I realized that the only way to have God as the center of my life is to let you guys go, not like we are not friends, because we always will be. I just have to cut our social friendship. If God opens the door for us to be able to speak to each other later in life then I am sure I will, but for now I can't be here. I can't allow any of this right now,
then I was told that I can't say goodbye, that I need to leave all this in the past and not come back. This is where I am failing, even as I am typing this. I cried and I screamed because I knew that even if I had to leave you, I won't be strong enough to not even give you a reason for my leaving! I can't just
just leave you though I must. I am being so horrible and I am going to hate myself for sending this to you guys because I know I shouldn't so try your best to forget that I said this. I feel like I am messing every thing up by sending this.
I probably shouldn't but I might....
I have a trillion more thoughts and long points to bring up but I can't. I suppose all that is left to do is to announce the hardest part of this all.
I really like alex, it is the one thing that is holding me back the furthest. God has better things for us in the future though, and for now I use go back to the cross and realize that I can't always analyze all the situations before I get myself into them. I can only take every thought captive before the Lord and I didn't do that this time around. I only want to have room for God right now, I never want any boy to even start to fill that place.
I know that I will never send this... but if I do then I hope that I was able to get out even a fraction of this extraordinary eye opening weekend.
I can't promise that I will always think about you, because all I want right now is to forget. But I can promise you that the next turn of your life will get better if you just allow God to be the center focus of your life, and not a thing else. -
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Last_Rimiss NewbieSorry if that is a jumble, but if it is then it was not suppose to make any sense. I shouldn't even be here, I just can't leave without one last look.
that is my temptation Sodom and Gomorrah. -
Last_Rimiss Newbie*hugs you*
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This thread is so old... I just want to tie so many knots between me and this site and make myself feel like I did eight months ago....
I miss the days that were erased
I miss the way the sunlight would light up your face,
Yeah, I miss you
I miss you.....
I don't want to talk all over the forums again, but since I really just want to bottle up all my emotions and let the world around me fade away I shall remain closer to you people. I tried to tell people how I was feeling... I admitted everything that happened over the last few months... I though it would make me feel better, but now I feel like a b---- so I shall keep my b----y, worthless self here on this wasteland.
I am doing a great job at forgeting everything outside of this moment... -
Exactly!
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Nostalgia overload....
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Selfish little piece of crap... go fall off a cliff...
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What the hell did you just do? WHY CAN I BREAK THROUGH THIS!
*sobs* I can't be free... I want to sink so badly... why can't I break this chain?
Stupid weakling. -
Stupid little... why do you have to be such a whiny piece of...
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hello......
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Go away...
*curls up into a ball*
New resolution* do not think anything optimistic or happy. Do not think anything that doesn't support your cause. -
*throws knife into wall* I just wish I could die...
I am doing my best though...
God, I just wish I could go back in time. Idgaf when just sometime before this momemt. I wish something was real... I wish I could feel something that I knew was certain...
Whatever, solitude works well. I think I could get back into some stupid television program if it keeps my mind occupied... -
What the f--- is wrong with you? You blow up and whine for two hours about what? How you wish you were dead yet cease to exist I heaven or hell? How you have no f---ing idea who you are and what you want and how all you ever do is whine and complain? What a despicable speck you are...
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Alex, I know I have been a total idiot and you have no reason to want to talk to me. That is fine. I Jair wanted to say... idk... I put up so many walls between what I am now and what I used to be... nothing is real... sorry... *sigh* word of advise, put b---- repellant up around your thread, I really don't want to bother you..
Now I think I should go... it is infuriating me that I can't break these stupid walls I put up and I need to think... goodbye...
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