Heart and Hammers
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 2, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: Heart and Hammers
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Is anyone reading this?
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Le1F Experiencedno
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I am.
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I am
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Chapter 5
Sophie walked into the woods for her lesson with elsie and just followed the trail of snow and evently found Elsie
Unfreezing a bird nest that was frozen caus her mother lost it with a maan and felt she should be mean. "Umm hey elsie me
and ashton kissed and he wanted me to tell yo and he is telling austin " Elsie s head whipped around and her cold blue eyes froze her
heart and sophie knew she was in it for a fight . She thrust her hand towards towards sophie and instantly felt her chest grow cold .
In a matter of minnutes sophie s prison ball of ice and snow would kill her from hypothermia. She began to grow unconsious when
she suddenly snaped opened her eyes to see all of camp fighting of Elsie for Her .She sw threw her prison of ice Ash And Austin
running towards her .Ash flicked his wrist and began burning the ice off.Sophie mentally smiled . Austin Was running around
getting his siblings to come help. When the last of the ice melted Ashton and Austin carried sophie towards the big house
for chiron to attend . They set her on the couch and sophie saw the goddess hestia who attended the hearth at camp alot walk
toward her ." young demigod you have found love for a price but you will survive " then she swept her hand towards the fire place and
it grew hoter starting to warm up sophie .Austin and Ash ran in ." Austin im so sorry your s sweet and im -" She said being caught off by
Austinn who kissed her on the cheek ,"If your happy im happy I love you Sophie as a friend but still" said Austin .Sophie speechless
said "Austin Thank you for understanding" And Austin began to heal her wounds .
When sophie and ash walked out of the big house holding hands everyone was cheering . Sophie was the heart and
Ash the hammer And it was a summer love never to be forgotten.
THE END I WILL DO SEQUEL CAUSE IM AWSOME!!!!! -
I love it!
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This is the end of the first chapter, right? And soon you'll release the second chapter, yes?
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It is very very bad and short this is the first story not
Chapter. I will post sometime later today the first part of the next chapter and BTW these are made because my friend Sophie liked a guy and wanted me to write stories about them but the condition was they were demigods in it . she no longer like him but √ √ . Anyway the next chapter is so bad ! Anyway I'll post it later Cruz I'm on mobile . Love y:all who read it!💜💜📒📑 -
Basic grammar errors.
There is failure to properly capitalize names, periods should have no miniscule separation from the sentence, simple words could be spelled CORRECTLY (if you are seriously having a difficult time just install the Grammarly extension or at least autocorrect) and your typing style is akin to Puppet_master. Trust me, you don't want to type like them. Throw as many errors into the dirt, but you don't want to dig that far. Chill with the exclamations. Interjections (??) aren't even used correctly. I'm DEFINITELY NOT the "Master of Grammar", but seriously? I mean, this is ridiculous. Hysterical. Ravishing exhibition of such care and creativity inputted in this f---fest.
So let's make like a glove and shove like a dick, into the wonderful land of Heart and Hammers.
Chapter Lengths.
This is not as much as a huge problem (trust me, the grammar is more concerning), but chapter lengths are very important when it comes to information. Short length chapters should be used for brief scenarios that aren't as significant to the plot but are rendered for comical purposes or as a relief from the climatic story to further emphasize the suspense or building intensity.
Short chapters can be observed in children's books for children to process information in small bits. Whatever intended audience this "book" is targeted towards, I am pretty sure they are cognitively developed to handle and comprehend large pieces of information and terms into a sandwich of a beautiful depiction painted by text.
But, f--- all. You didn't even center "Chapter [X]" for proper organization and format. If it's a draft, understandable, but what's also funny is that you probably have a fetish for experiencing public humiliation, just saying. -
Shut up , a--hole, I'm a damn kid , f--- you, it isn't gonna be published it is for FUN I get it but I wrote this like a month ago, so I didn't proof read it , everyone who has read it , has liked it and that is all I care about not f---ing capitalization which can be fixed, as long as the plots itself is good, I'm fine so don't be a ass
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-Ask for feedback
-Get mad when someone criticizes your story -
Good point, still it is a draft and he used damn language not suited for this story atmosphere
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DISCLAIMER: I HAVE ONLY READ THE FIRST CHAPTER. IT WAS ENOUGH, TRUST ME.
It's s---ty all-around. Grammatical conventions are horrendously f---ed; I had to reread multiple things multiple times and once or twice I just had absolutely no idea what you were talking about. Also, quit with the damn spaces before the periods. It's dumb.
The story is an over-used trope and original in almost nonexistent ways. The "gold chain and a light pink heart locket
and a white dove on the front" description of the locket was alright, but even that's nothing exceptional. And that was your highlight.
And then your reaction is almost unequivocally the most heinous (and laughable) thing about the entire ordeal. Like seriously, if you're a kid, you shouldn't be potty-mouthing those whom are probably your elders. Then again, judging by your maturity and English mastery, you probably don't understand half of what I'm saying.
Normally, I wouldn't criticize (actually, it's more like flaming by now) you so harshly, but your reception of valid (if somewhat aggressive, but man the hell up) criticism just made me want to drink raspberry bleach. And I don't even like raspberries.
Kys. Jk. Just get a better attitude man, it'll help you a lot. And please dont' ask for reviews/suggestions here, of all places, in any sort of serious capacity. Go to, I dunno, Short Stories Wiki. Or Creepypasta Wiki (really good ass-chewing and revision process there, but only for horror stories), or... I dunno, Quotev? This is a site primarily engineered for quizzes, and dominated by kids who are your age or even younger.
Ciao. -
I write on wattpad this was just a a idea.thanks to those who read it and if you want a neater bersion go to my wattpad.Thank you for the.......constructive critism of my work.I'll work on it.I see how my simple grammar mistakes can make you go crazy.
Wattpad-McKenna White -
Ay man, no hard feelings. Sorry for the flaming but... Try to be more open to criticism.
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