Characters
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:36pm
Thread Topic: Characters
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animefairy18 NewbieThe name of the story is called Water versus Fire Phoenix villages War.
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animefairy18 NewbieP.s. how do you link a story ?
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animefairy18 NewbieNarrator: During the war the two villages disliked each other and all of a sudden someone fired an arrow and war broke out during the war. Two families left their villages to get out of the crossfire between the two warring villages the name of these two families is Sou and the Kaze families these families did not want war at all and the sou family from the fire phoenix village also did not want war either so these two families left and did not say where they were going.
During the war the two villages disliked each other and all of a sudden someone fired an arrow.
satori sou is 60 -61 his weight is 137 lbs his hair color is pure ice blue with tints of silver and a streak of red his eye color is pure ice blue he is married and has one daughter both of his parents are deceased and has two siblings Leo Kaze and Rena sou but Leo and satori are half brothers and Angel is blood related to satori. and he is always traveling with Lela and Yukino all the time. Lela sou her height is 54-55 her weight is 121.5 lbs her eye color is pure silver with tints of red and silver she is married and has one daughter her mother is Lela sou sr her father is deceased she has no siblings. Yukino is the daughter of Satori and Lela Sou she is 17 years old her eye color is pure ice blue and her hair color is silvery white with tints of red and ice blue. she is traveling with her parents Lela and satori.
Leo: Leonia where are the kids?
Leonia: i thought they were with you honey
Narrator: all you hear is screams of terror from outside. Rouge kick flips the man who tries to take her from Terrance and you hear a giant thud.
Terrance: Let my little sister go!
The stranger: she is quite cute i would say.
Rouge: L-Let me go!
Narrator:Leo Leonia, and the bartender runs outside
The bartender/ retired cop: what is going on out here?
Rouge: D-daddy!
Leonia: Terrance dear are you ok and asks the man what did you do to our daughter?
Terrance: yea mom im ok but rouge is scared out of her wits when she looks at him * points to the man*
Rouge: s-stay a-away from m-me y-you monster!!
The stranger: im not a scary person at all
Narrator: Rouge runs and hides behind Terrance and is shaking like she saw death right before her eyes.
Terrance: Rouge its going to be alright i promise it will be.
The bartender/retired cop: young lady can you tell me what happened?
Rouge: ill try to.
Narrator: Leo, Lela, and Yukino were coming by the bar.
Lela: sees rouge shaking and turns to the man and said something to him
Terrance: you scared the wits out of my little sister.
Rouge: nii-san please dont yell.
Terrance: im sorry rouge for yelling
Leo: . satori what are you doing here?
Satori: Just passing by Leo thats all
Gatsu: you are satori sou aka gatsuga tensou kaze.
Satori: *just laughs* no one has called me that in so many years not since the great Kaze Tensou war.
Gatsu: that is true Satori so how are you?
Lela: Yukino would you please talk to Leonias daughter and ask her what happened please.
Yukino: ...sure mom..
Leonia: young girl did you said that your name is yukino?
Yukino: yes ma'am my name is yukino my mother is Lela Sou and my father is Satori Sou we once hailed from the Water phoenix village. Since the war has started we left the village to not get in the crossfire.
Lela: i see
Gatsu: did you say Water phoenix Village?
Yukino: yes sir
Narrator: meanwhile back at the villages both sides are weary, tired, and has about hundred thousand casualties on both sides. Both sides are not giving in to each other even though they will have more casualties than they already have. Yukino bends down and faces rouge. The elders of both villages argue over who started the war. The two other villages of earth and air remained neutral during the war.
The elder of wind phoenix: does it really matter who started it must end now or the other lands will attack and overrun your nation...
narrator: Fire and water kazes are still arguing and still fighting
Earth kaze: wind kaze we must not be involved with their war, they must solve it on their own...
Wind Kaze: I do agree with you Earth Kaze we have our own problems to deal with. -
animefairy18 NewbieIHAOY i posted the story for you. i will edit it.
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animefairy18 NewbieI will explain the other characters a bit later.
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It's more of a screenplay than a story, but I guess it takes all kinds to make a world. There's nothing wrong with screenplays. Just don't expect my best, I've never critiqued a screenplay before.
During the war the two villages disliked each other and all of a sudden someone fired an arrow and war broke out during the war.
So wait, there was a second war during the first war? Was it a civil war? I'm a little confused here. Maybe have the Narrator explain what the first war was about and what caused it, then have him move on to the civil war so we know they're distinct. Or maybe it's more of a city state war?
You're being a little redundant as well. Simply saying that the two families fled the war, and saying what their names are is enough. Everything else is assumed.
The entire part where you explain what everyone looks like and what their heritage is and who they're related too and all that jazz is unnecessary and kinda just...bad in general. Things like that should arise naturally from the story. Simply telling the audience all this is bad storytelling. Instead of telling the audience Satori is married, you should simply have him talk to his wife.
(Then again, this is a screenplay, so it might be justified. By all means, ignore what I said above, it applies mostly to conventional stories. That said, you're kinda oddly specific. Things like his height and weight don't matter. No one has ever said 'Hey, I wonder how high Legolas is and how much he weighs.' If you're going for something like this, I think you should just go with simple descriptions. Body type, hair colour, maybe skin colour and unusual features. Everything else is unnecessary.)
If you're going to write a screenplay though, you need to include the scene. Where's all this happening? Are Satori and the others in a bar? I get the inference from the writing, but it's not clear.
Leonia: Terrance dear are you ok and asks the man what did you do to our daughter?
This sentence is incredibly awkward. It switches from dialogue into exposition seamlessly. That's a big no no. Rewrite it so that he's actually asking the man, not just telling us he's asking the man.
Why haven't we got a description for the stranger? Seems like kind of an oversight.
Wait, why did he just disappear? Where did he go? The story just kinda forgot him completely. Did he get caught? Did he run away? What the hell just happened?
Rouge: nii-san please dont yell.
Why da f--- did she just call her sister a Nissan? Are they cars now? Speak English, idiot, you're writing an English story for people living in English countries. Don't half ass it by inserting random Japanese words into it, that's insulting to my culture.
-Kaze Tensou War
I like it.
Yukino: yes ma'am my name is yukino my mother is Lela Sou and my father is Satori Sou we once hailed from the Water phoenix village. Since the war has started we left the village to not get in the crossfire.
Who the hell speaks like this to someone they just met? You'd think someone running from war would be a little more secretive about it.
Wait, are there more than two villages? You gotta explain stuff like that, bro. Demons, a war between two villages, elemental phoenixes, and now Kazes, whatever those are.
So all in all, a lot of nothing happened and we learned nothing about the world. Try again, bro. I mean, you've got something here, but it needs a little refinement. Remember, you're first chapter needs to be:
1. Easy to Read
2. Interesting to Read
3. Explain the setting
and 4. Introduce the characters.
If it can't do all that, you need to try again.
I think you failed on the first three, and marginally passed the last one. -
animefairy18 Newbiewell technically there are 4 villages but wind and earth villages are not involved with the war between water and fire villages and its japenese screen play i'm writing thats why it's confusing like i said in the begining. I'm still working on it as we speak.
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Why does it say "during the war two villages disliked each other and all of a suuden someone fired an arrow and war broke out during the war" thats three wars going on at the same time also who declares war just because an arrow is fired?
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animefairy18 NewbieThe story is a work in progress right now i am working on the intro and its actually one war and i'll fix that when i am done.
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So wait, the demon war and the civil war are the same now? Where do the demons come in if it's just a feud between two villages? How do demons work in your setting?
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animefairy18 Newbieits a demonic civial war and the twist is both are demonic villages that are at war.
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You should start with explaining the setting and background. As in that there are four villages, and things like how long they've been fighting. It'll give the reader some info. on what's going on.
And when introducing the characters, make it so that you introduce them one at a time...
Can I use your story to give you an example of what exactly I mean? -
animefairy18 Newbiealright thanks and go 4 it love
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animefairy18 NewbieSorry for not posting that earlier love its still a work in progress as we speak and yeah i'll keep that in mind love ps u is awesomevsauces
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Thanks!
A fued. Thats what it was. And thats what it shouldve stayed.
Fire Phoenix and Water had had a feud since as far back as they could remember. But not wanting to disrupt the peace between the four villages, no one said anything. No one dared. If a war broke out, it would be horrendous.
Not only would the peace fall, both sides knew that the other two villages had no plans of aiding either. Unless it benefited them. But fire and water arent they natural enemies?
A little fight here and a little fight there was only natural. Somehow they always managed to not start a war. Until, that is, someone shot the first arrow. One little arrow that caused something no one could forget. One little arrow that started and ended it all.
Every family prepared to defend its village. Because it was official. Phoenix Fire and Water were at war.
But there were two families that would do anything to leave. Two families that wanted peace. The Sou and the Kaze families.
Something like that, I guess.
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