Oc critique please.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:35pm
Thread Topic: Oc critique please.
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This one is a work in progress.
Name : cherry sprinkles
Gender : female
Race : Earth pony
Colour scheme : Her main colour ( as in her main colour not her mane colour ) is carmine ( a shade of red ) and her secondry colour is magneta ( basicly her muzzle and a bit of her back legs are magenta )
Her Mane and tail are magenta and white the main is in a plait with curls at the bottom her tail is just curled .
Cutie mark : For now either a mirrior with a crack in it or a circle with water in it ( the top perspective of a water bottle )
Cutie mark A represesnts defying the status qou and making your own decisions as well as being selfless while cutie Mark B represents creative and quick thinking
Personlity : ( if cutie mark A ) Genorus , Socialy awkward , a strong reader , Confindent , Impulsive , quirky and annoying
If cutie mark B ) Creative , Hyper , impulsive , Not so confident , Socialy awkward and usually daydreams
Bio : Nothing to special and has not been fully finsihed yet -
Edit : the name may become cherry springs
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Could you guys please Crtique this oc I've tried to make her as non cliche as I could but I think she's still a Mary sue.
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Also I will understand harsh critique so don't be afraid to give it ( though I don't think any of you will be afraid to and that's why I aksed ) I need to learn to make better characters.
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There's not really much to critique on, but I guess I'll do what I can.
Name is fine. It's a little odd but I don't see any problem with it. It's actually grown on me a little, I might steal it for myself. It's definitely the kind of the name you need to let grow on people though, because it just sounds bad when you first hear it. Cherry Springs is absolute trash though, I wouldn't even touch a story with someone called that.
Colour's fine as well, I'd remove the secondary coat colour though. How many ponies actually have two different coat colours? Because here's the answer, zero. Every single pony seen in the show has had one and only one coat colour. Having a second one is going to make your OC stand out, when you want it to blend in as much as possible. (This adds realism to it, in the context of MLP.) White is also a bad colour. It's too simple, if you understand. White goes with everything and adds nothing to the palette. Try a lighter shade of pink or something.
I think the second cutie mark is too complex. The first one is pushing it, but could work with a little minimalist design work. The second one would need reworking.
How does a broken mirror represent challenging the status quo? Mirror's display an objective reality. How does it represent making your own decisions? The selfless bit I can understand.
The second one makes even less sense. How does a water bottle represent creative and quick thinking? I can't see any connection here.
The problem with personality A is that it contradicts itself. Quite impressive when it's only six traits. How can she be confident if she's socially awkward? How can she be annoying if she's socially awkward? A strong reader also isn't a personality trait, it's a hobby. Try replacing it with something tangible, like curiosity or wanting to be more knowledgeable. (Can you believe there's no word for wanting to be more knowledgeable?) Also, quirky is a bad word to use at any time. What does quirky mean? It could mean any of a million things, try to nail down exactly what it is that makes her quirky, and write that instead.
Personality B is a little better, but still has its issues. Hyper doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the traits. The impression that I get from B is of a struggling artist that always undersells themselves and hates social interactions, and having her bounce around the room doesn't really mesh well with that.
I mean, it could work well, but you'd have to be very careful with it.
Don't be afraid of having a crazy backstory though. Name one pony with a regular backstory. Twilight is Horse Jesus, Rarity was dragged head first around the country, Rainbow Dash broke the speed of sound, Fluttershy fell from orbit, Applejack ran away from home and Pinkie Pie threw a party. (Okay, that can't all be winners.)
The point is, don't be afraid to make your backstory more than 'she was bullied and then became a barber.' Give it substance.
And also, don't be afraid to use cliches. Everything is a cliche. The only people who didn't use cliches were cave men, and that's because they created the cliches. A good writer can play straight, subvert, hand wave or deconstruct any number of cliches at once to make a story work. Cliches aren't inherently bad, it's how you use them. -
Thank you.
Edits: colour : removing the secondary colour , replacing the White with a pastel pink .
Using cutie mark A , Personlity is B but taking out the hyper , impulsive is still there ( as in she'll say something or do something without thinking then regret it )
Bio : Cherry sprinkles was raised by two loving parents with a younger brother , her parents encouraged her art even though it wasn't all that great , but due to the way she was raised she became shy around other fillies and colts , one day when she was a young mare she went to a carnival , every year she went to this carnival they always had this same dragon plush toy that she had wanted to win for so long , as it would help with her art.
She had wanted it since her first time at the carnival when she was still a filly , but it was always a prize for a hoop-la game which she was no good at.
But this time after many failures she managed to win the massive plush, however as she went to leave the stall with her prize she heard a small filly crying over the very plush she turned round to see the fillies expression matched hers when she never could win the dragon , the only difference was no one was kind enough to her.
She handed the dragon over to the filly and that's when it happened that's when her cutie mark appeared: a mirrior. -
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For my new book I'll be posting its plot somehwere else
Name : Benny " Bones" Jones.
Nickname : Bones , this comes from his usual attire and his halloween coustume as well as the fact that his first name has a B while his last name is Jones so upon removing the enny from Benny and the J from Jones and putting the remaining letters together you get Bones.
Age : at the very start of the book 13 by the end of book one 14 should be around 16 by this series end.
Gender : male
Sexuality : hetrosexual
Race : Human
ethnicity( ?): Irish/ American.
Country of origin : born in Ireland raised their for three years before being moved to California before being moved to Scotland at ten.
Personlity : Benny is one of those people who can come across as unintelligent to people who don't understand what he's talking about when in reality he is actually one of the better students of his year group accadmicly.
Some other Hingis about Benny is that he comes across as weird to other people as he can not stand still for long periods of time , his attention is usually drawn away from other people by movments in different places , his brain moves from one thing to another which usually shows in his speech pattern as he will just go from one thing straight to another thing. Benny is what you would call a man of science but what makes him different from others ( in his class ) intrested in this subject is that he is open-minded about all possibilities including magic and of course he has always been this way to a certain point. Benny is for most of the series a coward he's strictly a " stay safe on the sidelines guy" but if it means protecting his friends or his ideals he is not above taking a few punches.
Looks : Benny is the second tallest in the group as he is 5"8 , he is rather slim but not to much he Defintley has meat on his bones it is however a secret and puzzle to the others how he keeps fit when he rarley does nay excerisize it's actualy due to his step-fathers pushing him to excerisize.
He has light coloured hair it's a medium of blonde and brown leaning more into the brunette category it's not chaotic in its mess but it isn't perfectly groomed either it is curly but only slightly as it's more wavy than anything it is cut short only two centimetres down the top of his neck.
His skin colour starts of as faintly tanned due to living in California but gradually as the story progresses his colour fades until he is the fourth palest in the group.
His eyes are of an average size and spacing from each other but they may be his best feature they are a dark brown but are deep and he has had his friends compare them to things like pools of chocolate when they tease him but the truth is his eyes aren't normal they were changed when he was a lot younger ( explaintion in the bio) and orriganly were a very icy blue and were altogether not attracting.
Clothing : Benny is a very plain boy in clothing choice sticking to Browns and cremes when he can, this is also shown how he wears his grandpa's old and second hand clothing which he actually likes , so he generaly wears jumpers and older styled trousers.
However Benny has been seen to where more up-to-date clothing in brighter colours like red and blue this is shown mostly when he wears his logo T-shirts and jeans but the reason he wears these so little is that to wear them he has to feel secure.
At other times he has worn black tops with bone printings on them but onky after getting his nickname.
At all times he wears some sort of trainer which he has had modified so if soemthing was dropped on his foot he would be protected the trainers are black so they fit with the schools dress code.
When at school he ( like all others attending this school) wear a red polo shirt grey trousers and a black jumper , but after he switches to another charcaters high shcool he wears their uniform ( a white polo shirt a black and red tie black trousers black shoes and a black jumper ).
Halloween coustume : For Halloween Benny went as a skeleton causing a few jokes to be made by a girl he meets who he later becomes best friends with due to his name and coutusme ( halloween town reference ).
The coustume consists of Benny having his face painted revealing bones under his skin giving it the illusion of him wearing a human face mask ( like ones used in holly wood productions ) the outfitt it's self is similar to a scientist with a torn lab coat and trousers which have rips revealing bones , the shirt is black and is torn showing his rib cage on his head he wears goggles ( the protective scientist kind not the steam punk kind ) with a seemingly tattered strap ( a black strap goes under this keeping it together.
Important extra : At some point during his life Benny tired to date guys due to his fathers being gay so he wouldn't disresepct or disappoint them but they sat him down and told him that if he liked girls they wouldn't mind but if he was unhappy then they would be dissapointed but not with him , with themselves for making him think he had ot chnage who he was they also told him to find the right girl.
Bio : When Benny was three years old his birth parents ( Rolinda Franklin and Adrian Jones ) had a divorce under mutual and agreeable terms that thier spark was no longer there Benny's Dad was given custody over him as Roslinda agreed that she wouldn't be a suitable mother due to other reasons ( the fact that she was actually one of the last existing witches and being hunted down ) but before Adrian could leave Ireland Benny was kidnapped by Witch hunters he was of course saved by a fleeing witch who cast a spell on him to chnage his soul apperence but she was only able to change his eyes : The windows of souls , which would later help him hide but would also give him his cowardice trait after she had done this she located Roslinda who returned Benny to his father who moved them to California.
Beofre Benny turned five his father had remarried to a man named Donald Fischer ( Donald becoming Donald Jones ) in California he proceeded to live a normal life until he flared out with fire at shcool ( no one relised it was him other than his fathers ) and all three returned to the United Kingdom instead of Ireland however they went to Scotland which was one of the countries that openly welcomed untrained magic bearers into all places ( that were legally allowable for them to go into)
During Halloween one night when he was thirteen years old he went to one particular house were ( name undecided ) James lived after discussing their coustumes and a few other things they introuduced their names after Benny gave her his she giggled slightly and made a reference that would stick he then went to leave but she reminded him he forget to get a sweet from the trick or treat bowl and she had forgotten to offer
He laughed and stated it was because of his A.D.H.D which she could relate to having it herself at this point they traded numbers to keep in touch which they did.
On Febuary the next year after discovering a really cool area he calls her and they go and through time turn this place into a hangout and lab for the selves but three weeks before halloween they go to this place and are Attacked by Daisy Latila and Oliva Grace after this encounter things are explained and the story begins its central plot.
Disabilites : Benny has A.D.H.D and Autisim ( this may be chnaged or scrapped if I cannot portray it fairly or accurately )
Abilites with magic : Benny like many in the series is an Elemental magician his first encounter with this ( albeit unknowingly ) is when during a science class he was being picked on and his project ( which he had worked very long on ) was destoryed he slammed his hands down ( or another form of stress Relief ) and flames sparked out ( but the confusion and panic luckily stopped anyone from realising it was him ) chasing a fire in the chemistry lab which just became worse -
Almost forgot)
Langaues spoken ( non fluent ) :
French and German.
Langaues spoken ( fluent) : English. -
This reminds me of the BBB
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The who? The character is based of a dream I had last night.
Also just for clarification Hunter grey is a book series in the book which the main characters all relate to and read but the book favourites defintely differ. -
Also forgot
Left or right handed : Right handed. -
Bare bones brigade
Its from a game -
Oh ok.
Is it his name or something else about him?
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