My Kingdom
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: My Kingdom
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Shining Angel Novice-prologue-
Once, lived a mare in the land of Equastria. The country was beautiful, and nice. Everyday was filled with happiness for everypony. They were sharing everything, smiling at every moment. It was a perfect life. Their princesses were Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Both princesses control the sun and the moon.
But one day, the changelings invaded the country. They attacked the main city, Canterlot. After that, they attacked the rest country. All of the city fell and destroyed. The changeling's queen captured both princesses and the residents of the country. Luckily, a small group of ponies survived and ran into wild. They swore to continue their live together and they promised each other that they will build a new country together. -
Shining Angel Novice-chapter 1-
Few years later...
I was training at an archery training with few others when the changelings invaded my city. Luckily, most of us were holding a bow and few darts. I targeted a changeling near me. My target fell down, dead. I grabbed a few more darts and found a new target. I focused my attention at him and then moved the bow around to aim him and then I released my hold at the dart.
Suddenly, the building fell, revealing more changelings around. The city was a ruin and was in fire. Holding my bow, I ran away as quick as possible. I ducked below a ruined building and hid myself there. Hiss... A changeling hissed near me. I kept silent so he didn't know I was there. Ponies's scream reached my ear. It sounded pitiful. I felt sorry for them. I should help them protect the city, not hiding like this.
Suddenly, my surrounding fell quiet. No more noises, only some groans in pain. No more hiss, only some screams of fear.
"The changelings are gone!" Somepony shouted.
"Yes! But how are we supposed to build this city?" Other asked.
"Most of us are dead, and the rest is wounded." A soft voice said.
I climbed out of my hiding place and was greeted by a horror scene. Blood everywhere, fire on building, separated body, organs, everything was just full of pure horror. -
My thoughts:
Prolouge:
Chapter one:(too horrified to express feelings) -
Hehe yes.
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Why does you profile picture seem familiar to me S_E_?
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Oh snap it's rainbow dash and twilight sparkle down here oh!!
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It's a little short, don't you think?
I personally would have made chapter one the prequel, removed everything in the original prequel, and used the new chapter one to establish the character, having the attack occur on chapter two.
I feel using the prequel to set the scene removes agency from the reader, and prevents you from explaining what happened through the story.
Also, we have no reason to care about any of these characters. We don't have a name, or a job, or friends. We don't even have a location. Where does this take place, is it Canterlot?
See, you need to establish these things before you can take them away, otherwise they have no impact. Look at Star Wars. When Star Wars starts, the second thing you see is Luke going about his daily business. He goes to the store, he argues with his parents; and this is all done to build character and make us care for him, so that when something happens to him, we actually want him to come out okay.
Why should we care about your characters (especially when I'd much more easily care about, say, Vinyl Scratch,) when we know nothing about them? You need to show them being human, give us something, anything, to relate to.
Just spend some time character building before everything goes to hell, it'll make your story much more interesting.
Also, yes, Vinyl is best pony. -
So, you mean that I need to build the character before go to the story?
You know mlp too? Vinyl? Sorry, I prefer Octavia. -
Pretty much. I just feel as though there's a lack of...something. I think it's buildup. You've rushed into things.
It's like, here's the person. Why should you care about him? Who cares, things are exploding! There's fights, there's tension, there's ninjas. Things are progressing too quickly.
You need to build up to something like that. You need to say 'okay, here's this town. It's a pretty sweet place, check out this building that totally won't explode in the next chapter. And look, characters! This one loves cake and is worried they're getting fat. And this one wants to sail the seven seas and wears an eye-patch. Both of these characters totally won't die later in the story.'
You need to expand on everything.
So basically yes, you need to build character, setting, tension. Just about anything, really. There's a reason the Hunger Games didn't start at the bloodbath. It took it's time to make you care about the main character. (Or at least tried to.)
(Also, Vinyl is better. We can't be friends if you don't accept this fact. Vinyl is love, Vinyl is life.) -
Okay, okay. I want to be friend with you.
You are Vinyl Scratch, I am Octavia, the violin player. Both of them are friends. -
I never watched the Hunger Games. But, when it went out, without knowing what I read, I read the story about it. I read it. I read the Hunger Games without knowing that it is a film.
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No, I'm IHLAOY. Not Vinyl Scratch. That person is a fictional character that doesn't even have any lines.
And Octavia plays the cello, not the violin. The difference is in the sizes; that's why there was that large debate in the early fandom about whether it was a cello or a double bass, because both are similar sizes. -
*cry* I don't know what it's called. Cello huh. She's the cello player
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I agree with IHLAOY, you saw my first post. I thought it'd be a little less grousome based on the prolouge. What have yo do is describe the area, go in to detail. Describe how the characters think and feel from a third person POV, then go into first person as the mane character after you say that the changelings attacked. In your version, you sorta just spring up: "Here's this random character who's name and personality is-oh hey wait changelings are attacking them!"
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I will try the prologue again.
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