You're not sorry. Neither am I. -This is just my thoughts-
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: You're not sorry. Neither am I. -This is just my thoughts-
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care_bear19 NoviceI can't breathe. But I have to. I don't want to. But I need to. That little light that keeps me positive is dwindling and I struggle to save it. To save everything that makes me who I am. I'm usually a half-full thinker, finding and sheding light on everything and everyone that I can. Because I've struggled before, and I got through it. But now it's starting to come back. The only person that I want to talk to or can talk to isn't around. She's too good for me anyhow. To love from afar only. I can't damage her like I've damaged everything else. Hell I can barely finish this post with bursting into tears. I'm an emotional wreak and I don't even care. I always see the beauty in other people, and as my best friend would say, I can't see the beauty in myself. I know who I am, whole heartedly and have never been ashamed to share it with the world. And somehow that makes me weak, because even with that openess, I put up walls to protect myself from the world. Everyone says they admire my strength, my devotion to others, but they don't see how I'm selfish. I help other people only because I feel the need to. I have to give back, I care even though half the time I don't want to. I don't even know the person or people sometimes and I just feel compelled to help them. Maybe my sub-conscious thinks that if I help others I can help myslf. I doubt anything I'm even saying is making any sort of sence, I'm just rambling now. Maybe I'm just another piece in societies cruel games.
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care_bear19 NoviceI can be so random at times. Somedays I'm bright and happy, but somedays I just feel angry and sad and I just want to toss everything to the wind. Somedays I just want to die. I make no sence whatsoever. My mind is a web of pain, confusion, and lies. Weaved by the destroyers of hope.
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care_bear19 NoviceSeriously. I can't believe how naive i was. I fell for everything he was feding me. I'm so angry, so very very angry. Of all the stupid, hurtful things he could of done he did one of the worst. He cheated on me with a my friend, and he didn't even have the balls to tell me to my face. A--hole. And she's worse. She was supposed to be my friend. We were close, or I thought we were. She looked me in the face, and acted like nothing was going on, and today she avoided me conpletely. He didn't even look at me. Good I didn't want him to anyway. My mom said "You should get all dolled up to make him jealous" Psh, f--- that I don't need him to be jealous. If i'm gonna get all dolled up and look pretty it will be because I want to, not for some low-life scum bag guy. I'm seriously losing hope in guys. I'm bi-romantic homosexual (I have the potenial to like both genders but I prefer and lean towards girls) anyway so whatever. He's not worth my time, and honestly she can go somewhere. I really ddon't care anymore. And as I say that I realize I'm lying to myself, because if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this now would I?
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care_bear19 NoviceTake this life.
I f---ing hate this. Everything triggers me. I cry and I cry and I don't know why. Or I do and I suppress it. But the nightmares always invade my (seldom) sleep. The panic attacks hit me harder and harder each time. It's like everything builds up and in those moment, drown me. And I push and pull to get away but they just drag me back down again. It's like no matter what I do I can't seem to get away from them. I'll get away sometimes, for a little while, and then all at once... Bam! It'll all come crashing down. Please someone, just make it stop. Make his face disappear, mute his voice! I can't take it anymore. I'm slowly but surely unraveling, and I hate myself for allowing him to be able to do that to me. I hate myself for not being able to stop him in the first place. -
Ouch.
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Sounds like you need to get a job. What's your resume like?
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Nikt NovicePoor you, I understand you. Please, don't kill yourself. Please. Please, please, please. Keep running for me. For everybody who cares about you. Please. You seem so nice, I'm sure there's someone who'll see it. I know how cruel people can be, trust me. I'm throught hard time too. You know what helps? Music. Lots of music, with meaningful lyrics that can keep you alive. Personally, I use it to get away from 'nightmares', it really helps. And, you know, our society is ALL made of lies, confusion, pain etc., even 'good' can be 'bad'... But you don't have to be part of this. And I'm sure you're not. Be strong, for me. I really want you to live. Really. A few days ago I was talking exactly the way you are. Now I see I've got something to do. Even if all your 'friends' seem to hate you, you always have your favorite bands. So hold on thight to thier music and don't look back. Show everybody who hurt you that you are more than this. You only live forever in the lights you make, make them too bright for them to look. Be some kind of ironic joke just to piss them off. It will be funny, believe me. So now get a tissue, dry your eyes and show them that even if you'll cry you won't break down, no matter how low you'll fall - you'll get up. Please, just try. Please, try for me
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Nikt NoviceWhat else could I say? Keep running, hold on thight, maybe express yourself through some kind of art? I don't know... But when I started to read your... yyy... post? It is called 'post', yes? Anyway, I thought it was a not-real story (and I was like 'please tell me it's not real, please tell me it's- It's real. :'( '). Maybe you should write a book? You know, art is a weapon... So just sing it out, show them you have bulletproof heart, that you'll never give up, even if you're not o-f***ing-kay, kill the party with me and never go home (no, not literately). Get away from your problems, blast them to the back row and just be yourself singing loud that you are not afraid to keep on living. So long and goodnight. I love you, stranger. Be strong.
( I put here some MCR references, I had to... Don't be mad... Maybe listen to thier music? It really helps...) -
Nikt NoviceAnd one more thing and I'll (finally) shut up... It's about that 'title'. I AM really sorry for you. Maybe it's hard to believe that a random stranger from internet (me) is sorry for you, but I AM. I AM SORRY FOR YOU. You're not alone. I know only a little about you (based on what you say), but that's enough for me to decide I want to do whatever I need to do to help you. Please, if you need help just tell me. I really DO care. And if he doesn't, then just ignore him. Show him you're more than he think, he'll be sorry. He should. No one should treat others like this. Agin, I love you, stranger. I care about you. I'm sorry for you. I understand you. I wish you the best.
Now I'll just shup up.
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