A Lucky Soul
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:32pm
Thread Topic: A Lucky Soul
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Nature NoviceI woke up, and greeted by the same darkness. I looked to the window, and it was night time. "Hello." A soft stallion(man) voice said. I looked to where the sound came from. I saw a shadowy figure, but I could still see his color. He has a brown coat, dark blue mane, his cutie mark is a injection pen and his wings rested on his side. My fear came true. He was my father. "Dad? What are you doing here?" I asked. "Nothing important, just visiting my child here." "Oh." The only reply came out from my mouth. We watched each other for seconds. "Anyways, I have to go back to home. Take care here okay?" "Okay dad." I replied. He went out. I noticed another pony came in from the door. This time, he has a white coat, blue mane, a cutie mark of symbol of love (just line) and a horn stood proudly on his head. "Sir?!" Because he was my after-school-study teacher "Shh... Calm down, it's okay." "B-but y-you a-are-e h-here-e!" He walked to my bedside-while I'm still tucked there-and gently stroked my purple mane with his hoof. My body was shaking in fear as I'm afraid that the stroking could be a strike against me. My second fear came true. He removed his hoof from my mane and immedialy slapped me on the right cheek. "Ouch." I put and rubbed my cheek using one of my hoof. "I AM TRULY DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!!" He screamed against my ear, but I know, he would put his volume down, not to break my ears. "How come? How come you could do such a thing? Twice? Why didn't you tell me about your feeling?? Again, I'm dissapointed in you." He expressed his feeling towards me. I kept my mouth shut, as I don't want to cause any more trouble with the angered unicorn. He charged up his horn and.....
To Be Continued
Please rate from 1-10 and comment! Thanks!!
Please check a quiz : Are you depressed??
I promise I will make a better quiz next time! -
BabyChocolate Newbie10 Great detail Grammar awesome it made since makes u want to keep reading...So...WRITE MORE PLEASE!!! XD
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Nature NoviceOkay, retract my previos statement. I will continue, but with a brighter scene.
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BabyChocolate NewbieYeah I cant wait!
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10 It's pretty good
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Nature NoviceThanks
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You know I've gone all out when I go through all the effort of finding a picture and running it through Tinypic and inserting it into my post and all.
A word of advice to the people above me, if you're impressed by this, go to a library, pick out a published book, and prepare to have your minds blown. Blown out of your skull. From the sheer shift in quality.
I'd give it a 1, for being in English.
Now lets move on to what you did wrong.
1. Every time a person speaks, you need to give them a new line. There is no situation where this does not apply. If they speak, they get a line. Remember it.
2. Your grammar is terrible. Most of the time it's like you simply removed a word from the sentence so it makes no sense, and other times you're just plain wrong.
3. Your tense is all over the place. Make up your mind. Does this take place in the present, and therefore use present tense, or does it take place in the past, and therefore use past tense? You can't switch between the two, it's not allowed! Pick one and stick with it!
4. I can't follow anything you've written. Again, stress brevity. The father, for example. Why is he there? He doesn't say anything useful, he doesn't reveal anything about the character, he isn't important to anything you've written, so why is he there? Why write something if it doesn't relate to anything? Give every character a reason to be in the scene, or don't write them in the scene at all.
5. Personal gripe here, but why are you using first person if you're not going to use any of the advantages it provides? Where's the character's line of thought? Where's the train of logic they follow? Why write in first person if you're just going to treat it like third person?
6. I don't like it when writers use brackets to explain things. I'm not an idiot, don't treat me like one. I know a stallion is a man, I don't need you to tell me so. I know what the symbol of love is, don't explain it. (Or do explain it, but do it in prose. Mentioning prose,)
7. Why do you not have any prose? I suppose you could be going for a Hemmingway type deal, but this just reads like you're lazy. Show, don't tell. SHOW, DO NOT TELL! DO NOT TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING! SHOW ME IT HAPPENING! Don't say, 'he charged up his horn,' show me charging his horn! Don't say 'he stroked my mane,' show me him stroking your mane! For Christ's sake, that's half the reason you would write in first person! To make that s--- easier! Show me what is happening, don't tell me it happened.
8. Take some goddamn pride in your work and proofread it. Everyone with an internet connection can read it, make something worth reading, goddammit! Don't just vomit onto a keyboard and say 'oh, this is okay.' Make something worth reading. -
*claps*
IHLAOY, I thought were kidnapped and thrown into the gutters.
But in other words, I literally could not have said it better. -
((IHLAOY, would you consider critiquing some s--- for me? I just love your stuff.))
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Nature NoviceThank you very much IHLAOY, sorry for my late reply - I was busy making some quizzes.
I saw a shadowy figure, but I could still see his color.
Is this an example of the mixed and wrong tense?
What is the difference between tense and grammar?
And I'm an Indonesian too..
And how to show that it is happening??
Most of the time it's like you simply removed a word from the sentence so it makes no sense, and other times you're just plain wrong.
Tell me an example and the correction please!!
Personal gripe here, but why are you using first person if you're not going to use any of the advantages it provides? Where's the character's line of thought? Where's the train of logic they follow? Why write in first person if you're just going to treat it like third person?
And this one too!!
I don't like it when writers use brackets to explain things. I'm not an idiot, don't treat me like one. I know a stallion is a man, I don't need you to tell me so. I know what the symbol of love is, don't explain it. (Or do explain it, but do it in prose. Mentioning prose,)
And what does prose mean? Example please??
I kept my mouth shut, as I don't want to cause any more trouble with the angered unicorn.
Is the correction should be : I kept my mouth shut, as I didn't want to cause any more trouble with the angered unicorn?? If not, then what?
Please explain more! I don't understand all of your word! I'm not a real English-speaking person, and if the true me write this, uh.. It will be worse. I followed some example of other writer(and where should I put 's' to make it plurar/plular?"
Last thing, I am just typing what I feel and currently thinking. I have no plot at all.
And, maybe on this comment, some words and stuff are wrong.
Thank you so much! (I need example!!")
Please keep reviewing my story! -
Nature NoviceSY for my bad story. This is the worst of all. (I almost typed 'baddest'.
Take some goddamn pride in your work and proofread it. Everyone with an internet connection can read it, make something worth reading, goddammit! Don't just vomit onto a keyboard and say 'oh, this is okay.' Make something worth reading
And what does that mean? -
Nature NoviceBut how am I supposed to explain if that symbol of love is made only of line??
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Tense is basically used to express when something in the story is happening. In your story, you switch between present tense, that is, everything is happening right now, and past tense, which is everything has already happened.
For example, 'I passed the man and glanced at him,' is past tense, because it's already happened. Past tense is the most common because it's easier to follow and used the most in academics and writing.
The same sentence in present tense would be 'I pass the man and glance at him.' This is present tense because it's happening now, and not in the future or the past.
It's best to stick to one tense to avoid confusion. I'm sure you can understand how it would be confusing to keep switching between the past and the present.
(To use an example from your story, 'I noticed another pony came in from the door. This time, he has a white coat...' Has should be had, because the previous sentence said we were in the past, instead of the present.)
Mostly, it's just proofreading and experience to catch when you slip up. Once you get used to writing in a tense, you'll rarely slip out of it.
Most of the time it's like you simply removed a word from the sentence so it makes no sense, and other times you're just plain wrong.
There's a good example in the first sentence, 'I woke up, and greeted by the same darkness.' It should read 'I woke up, and was greeted by the same darkness.' Without the 'was' the sentence makes no sense. A valid change could also be 'I woke up, and greeted the same darkness,' though this changes the meaning of the whole sentence.
Another example is 'I put and rubbed my cheek using one of my hoof.' I put what? The sentence doesn't make sense because you left out what you put. Did you put something down? Then you need to add that to the sentence.
Also, hoof should be plural, because, while you're only using one, you're referring to them as a pair. Hooves.
It's just a personal gripe, so feel free to ignore it, but first person, to me, is a style suited for inner monologues, close emotions, witty gripes and that sort of thing. It's intended for getting close to a single character, and making sure the reader follows their train of thought closely.
Prose is basically just description. It's when you make descriptions and exposition interesting to read and advance the scene through showing the audience things happening. Instead of simply saying 'he charged his horn,' he describe the unicorn charging his horn. You describe the magic building on his head, the look on his face, the faint electricity in the air, stuff like that which adds tension and emotion to a work. It's much more interesting to read about things in depth than it is to simply have someone tell you it's happening.
I kept my mouth shut, as I didn't want to cause any more trouble with the angered unicorn?
That is correct past tense, yes. You got it right there. Really, you can write it in either tense, the main thing is that you stick to one or the other.
It's fine, everyone learns somewhere. Just keep up your studies and improving your work. I mean, English is one of the hardest languages to learn. Don't worry about mistakes, just focus on learning until everything makes sense.
(As a final note, plurals are much more difficult than simply adding an 's.' Like hoof, some words don't use an s to show more than one. The plural of hoof is hooves, because you can't have an s after an f. But you'll learn all about this in time.) -
Take some goddamn pride in your work and proofread it. Everyone with an internet connection can read it, make something worth reading, goddammit! Don't just vomit onto a keyboard and say 'oh, this is okay.' Make something worth reading.
You can ignore this. I didn't realize you weren't an English speaking person when I wrote it. It was just me getting angry at you for submitting something low quality, without realizing you were trying as hard as you could.
But how am I supposed to explain if that symbol of love is made only of line?
This is the advantage of using first person. You could describe that the unicorn as a line as his cutie mark, then have your character recognize it as the symbol for love. Or you could explain that the symbol for love is a line as part of its description. Or you could simply not explain it at all and hope the audience is smart enough to catch the reference. Or you could do a million different things to make the connection between the two. As you learn, your horizons will expand. -
Nature NoviceThank you very much IHLAOY. I feel like I want to meet and talk with you directly right now.
There's a good example in the first sentence, 'I woke up, and greeted by the same darkness.' It should read 'I woke up, and was greeted by the same darkness.' Without the 'was' the sentence makes no sense. A valid change could also be 'I woke up, and greeted the same darkness,' though this changes the meaning of the whole sentence
Yes, thank you. I understand the changes.
And I love to write in Past! Can Past Simple blend with Past Continuous in a story? How about Past Perfect?
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