No name yet
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:32pm
Thread Topic: No name yet
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Redrose2 NewbieHey guys please comment on this , tell me your thoughts or what I need to change thanks
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Redrose2 NewbieRed was walking when shade came up behind her, "hey" red jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to face him ""hey, what are you doing ?" She asked looking at him, "I was looking for you, we need to find the others we have a problem" he said looking at her. Red hissed "what kind of problem?", shade sighed "the one were we have to save our kind." At that point red had her wings out and ready "well, let's go I know were Rid and Angela are." Both took off to Rid's house.
"So you think you can beat me at Shadow Cast?" Rid said sitting next to Angela on the couch "yes, that's what I KNOW" Angela said looking at him, suddenly there was a knock at the door "we'll see" Rid said getting up and opening the door "hey you guys " rid said greeting red and shade "what's up?" He asked as red spotted Angela on the couch and went to her "geez, what's up with her" shade sigh " we have a problem" he said before after red " what kind" rid said closeing the door and lookig at them "the problem is that our kind is in danger" shade said putting an arm around red
Angela got up"so..... We're going to fight ?" She asked "no, we're going to war" red said looking at them. "How do you know " rid said looking at red, sighing shade let go of red "I just do" he said, "how can we trust you, I mean all you do is lie " rid said getting mad, red stepped forward "know stop, you know what you just said was a lie" she said looking at rid. Rid pointed at red " and you are no better, always leading us down the wrong path " Rid shot a bolt of magic at red, sending her flying into the wall and to the floor "RID STOP, you hurt her" Angela said running over to him.
Shade was at red' s side "Red, red can you hear me" he yelled"oh please red wake up" he pleaded, red opened her Eyes, shade hugged her with relief "is she ok" Angela asked looking at shade." Yea" he said his voice cold, he picked red up"I am going to lay her down" he said, Angela nodded "ok" she said her voice soft.
Walking to the spare room at the end of the hall shade layed red down on the black bed " red , you still awake ?" He said grabbing a chair and sitting next to the bed
Red looked at him with a sigh, "what's wrong " he asked with concern, red closed her eyes "pain" she said, shade looked at her "where? " he asked his palms laying face
down on the bed, "everywere " she said looking at him, he cursed under his breath. He lifted her off the bed and went out the door " angela" he yelled, Angela came down the hall way "yea ?" She asked looking at red then at shade, red hissed in pain " water and my healing will it help ?" He asked holding red tighter, but not hurting her, Angela nooded, shade nodded back shade layed her in the tub and turned on the water her clothes were soaked then he climbing in with her, his clothes getting some what wet, he held red "this might hurt, I am sorry if it does" shade started to heal her, red grabbed his shoulder and whimpered in pain, "I am almost down" shade said before kissing her cheek, he hate to see her in pain even when he healed her, it hurts him to know that it's hurting her , when he heals her. Shade stops healing her and holds her "I am done" he said he wrapped her in a towel and sitting her on the bed, "we need to get you out of those clothes " he said looking at her, red muttered Angela's name " ok,I will get her " he said before going to get Angela.
Angela was sitting on the couch when shade asked her " Angela red wants you" angela looked at rid, who nodded slowly "ok" she said going to were red was, Shade sat next to his best friend. Angela walked into the room red was in "what do you wanna wear." Angela said with a smile "something soft " red said to her, nodding Angela transformed red's old wet clothes into a black cotton tank top and black shorts "better ?" Angela asked, red nodded.
Is she ok" rid asked his face in his hands "yea" shade said looking at him "I am so sorry,I was out of control" he said looking at his best friend, "it's cool man " shade said patting rid on the back, rid smiled. When Angela returns the living room shade and rid were making a plan, "hey she's fine now " Angela said to shade, shade looked up at her and went to red. Angela sat back next to rid and hugged him, rid smiled and hugged back"we're good, don't worry " Angela sighed "stay outta my head " she smiled at him. Shade layed next to red "what are we going to do?" She asked looking at him, he sighed " don't worry about it , right now you need to rest " he said pulling the covers over him and red, red smiled and fell asleep, Shade smiled and drifted off to sleep. Angela looked at rid "come on " she said standing and holding out her hand, he took her hand and followed her to there room amd shut the door behind them
Red woke up to find her self wrapped in shades arms, red poked him in his chest "I am awake " he said with a smile, red smiled back, she got out of bed to stretch "were are u going" shade asked sitting up in bed, red looked at him "I need coffee, you coming?" She said going out the door shade followed. They entered the living room. "i will get the coffee started " shade sitting up the coffee pot, "ok" red said sitting on the couch and turning on CNN, shade smiled as he sat next to her they watched the news togeather while waiting on the coffee.
Hey guys this is as far is I am going today but I will continue -
Ok....first of all, most problems writers have isnt in what theyve written. Its in how they write. For instance...what are you even talking about with this story? Its a random, jumbled, pointless, cliched mess. And I will grant you, in the right context this could be awesome!! But you need to sort out the logic of writing before you worry about story flaws.
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Thanks for that I will work on it
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Angela woke up to rid looking at her "well good morin beautiful " he said, angela laughed "morin" she said getting up and openin the door, rid got up and followed her out into the living room. Red and Shade sat on the couch watching the news when angela and rid came out "good morning " red said, shade smiling at her "morning" angela said, rid poor them both a cup of coffee "anything happen " he asked shade, angela siped her coffee "not yet " shade said. Red put her cup in the sink and looked at them "we should start looking " she said, Angela nodded "she's right, if this is going to happen we are going to want first kill" shade sighed "we dont know were they will come from", he said leaning on the counter " but it's worth a chance, right ?" Rid said looking at shade, red nodded. "Ok if we are doing this we need suits" angela said with a smile, shade and rid looked at her, "she's right and they'll have to be fit for our powers." She said, shade smiled. "Ok" rid said lets do this " he said setign his cup down, Angela s wiggled her fingers and with one thought they all transformed into new suits, red was wearing a black and red striped suit and black boots, shade was in a black and blue suit and blue boots,rid was in a yellow and grey suit with blackish green boots, and angela was in a purple and black suit with black boots.
Red smiled "I love it " she said looking at shade, shade was looking a red his eyes traveled up and down her body, rid hugged angela "we looked amazing and so do you babe" he said, angela smiled "thank you " she blushed. "Well let's do this " red said looking at them, shade grabed Reds hand and nodded, they all left the apartment. -
Bump))
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Ok I am going to combine the tow paragraphs
Red was walking when shade came up behind her, "hey" red jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to face him ""hey, what are you doing ?" She asked looking at him, "I was looking for you, we need to find the others we have a problem" he said looking at her. Red hissed "what kind of problem?", shade sighed "the one were we have to save our kind." At that point red had her wings out and ready "well, let's go I know were Rid and Angela are." Both took off to Rid's house.
"So you think you can beat me at Shadow Cast?" Rid said sitting next to Angela on the couch "yes, that's what I KNOW" Angela said looking at him, suddenly there was a knock at the door "we'll see" Rid said getting up and opening the door "hey you guys " rid said greeting red and shade "what's up?" He asked as red spotted Angela on the couch and went to her "geez, what's up with her" shade sigh " we have a problem" he said before after red " what kind" rid said closeing the door and lookig at them "the problem is that our kind is in danger" shade said putting an arm around red
Angela got up"so..... We're going to fight ?" She asked "no, we're going to war" red said looking at them. "How do you know " rid said looking at red, sighing shade let go of red "I just do" he said, "how can we trust you, I mean all you do is lie " rid said getting mad, red stepped forward "know stop, you know what you just said was a lie" she said looking at rid. Rid pointed at red " and you are no better, always leading us down the wrong path " Rid shot a bolt of magic at red, sending her flying into the wall and to the floor "RID STOP, you hurt her" Angela said running over to him.
Shade was at red' s side "Red, red can you hear me" he yelled"oh please red wake up" he pleaded, red opened her Eyes, shade hugged her with relief "is she ok" Angela asked looking at shade." Yea" he said his voice cold, he picked red up"I am going to lay her down" he said, Angela nodded "ok" she said her voice soft.
Walking to the spare room at the end of the hall shade layed red down on the black bed " red , you still awake ?" He said grabbing a chair and sitting next to the bed
Red looked at him with a sigh, "what's wrong " he asked with concern, red closed her eyes "pain" she said, shade looked at her "where? " he asked his palms laying face
down on the bed, "everywere " she said looking at him, he cursed under his breath. He lifted her off the bed and went out the door " angela" he yelled, Angela came down the hall way "yea ?" She asked looking at red then at shade, red hissed in pain " water and my healing will it help ?" He asked holding red tighter, but not hurting her, Angela nooded, shade nodded back shade layed her in the tub and turned on the water her clothes were soaked then he climbing in with her, his clothes getting some what wet, he held red "this might hurt, I am sorry if it does" shade started to heal her, red grabbed his shoulder and whimpered in pain, "I am almost down" shade said before kissing her cheek, he hate to see her in pain even when he healed her, it hurts him to know that it's hurting her , when he heals her. Shade stops healing her and holds her "I am done" he said he wrapped her in a towel and sitting her on the bed, "we need to get you out of those clothes " he said looking at her, red muttered Angela's name " ok,I will get her " he said before going to get Angela.
Angela was sitting on the couch when shade asked her " Angela red wants you" angela looked at rid, who nodded slowly "ok" she said going to were red was, Shade sat next to his best friend. Angela walked into the room red was in "what do you wanna wear." Angela said with a smile "something soft " red said to her, nodding Angela transformed red's old wet clothes into a black cotton tank top and black shorts "better ?" Angela asked, red nodded.
Is she ok" rid asked his face in his hands "yea" shade said looking at him "I am so sorry,I was out of control" he said looking at his best friend, "it's cool man " shade said patting rid on the back, rid smiled. When Angela returns the living room shade and rid were making a plan, "hey she's fine now " Angela said to shade, shade looked up at her and went to red. Angela sat back next to rid and hugged him, rid smiled and hugged back"we're good, don't worry " Angela sighed "stay outta my head " she smiled at him. Shade layed next to red "what are we going to do?" She asked looking at him, he sighed " don't worry about it , right now you need to rest " he said pulling the covers over him and red, red smiled and fell asleep, Shade smiled and drifted off to sleep. Angela looked at rid "come on " she said standing and holding out her hand, he took her hand and followed her to there room amd shut the door behind them
Red woke up to find her self wrapped in shades arms, red poked him in his chest "I am awake " he said with a smile, red smiled back, she got out of bed to stretch "were are u going" shade asked sitting up in bed, red looked at him "I need coffee, you coming?" She said going out the door shade followed. They entered the living room. "i will get the coffee started " shade sitting up the coffee pot, "ok" red said sitting on the couch and turning on CNN, shade smiled as he sat next to her they watched the news togeather while waiting on the coffee.
Angela woke up to rid looking at her "well good morin beautiful " he said, angela laughed "morin" she said getting up and openin the door, rid got up and followed her out into the living room. Red and Shade sat on the couch watching the news when angela and rid came out "good morning " red said, shade smiling at her "morning" angela said, rid poor them both a cup of coffee "anything happen " he asked shade, angela siped her coffee "not yet " shade said. Red put her cup in the sink and looked at them "we should start looking " she said, Angela nodded "she's right, if this is going to happen we are going to want first kill" shade sighed "we dont know were they will come from", he said leaning on the counter " but it's worth a chance, right ?" Rid said looking at shade, red nodded. "Ok if we are doing this we need suits" angela said with a smile, shade and rid looked at her, "she's right and they'll have to be fit for our powers." She said, shade smiled. "Ok" rid said lets do this " he said setign his cup down, Angela s wiggled her fingers and with one thought they all transformed into new suits, red was wearing a black and red striped suit and black boots, shade was in a black and blue suit and blue boots,rid was in a yellow and grey suit with blackish green boots, and angela was in a purple and black suit with black boots.
Red smiled "I love it " she said looking at shade, shade was looking a red his eyes traveled up and down her body, rid hugged angela "we looked amazing and so do you babe" he said, angela smiled "thank you " she blushed. "Well let's do this " red said looking at them, shade grabed Reds hand and nodded, they all left the apartment.
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