im bored soooo
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:29pm
Thread Topic: im bored soooo
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DARN ENTER BUTTON
critique my writing....
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in the world of gotoquiz, many mysteries and adventure occur, unpredictable and yet enjoyable. there was two kingdoms, one was the compaction, ruled by the humble and fair king, gotoquiz guy. the compactions king ruled with a iron fist, the generosity of a therapist in his heart and the mind blowing intelligence of a psychic. he had all the power over the land, except the dark side of gotoquiz... in the dark side of gotoquiz, better known as the shadow lands, lay trolls and hacked forgotton accounts, corrupted and unwanted. the accounts had formed a rebellion against the compaction, the rebellion full of the most powerful minds avaliable in shadow land territory.
then, there was the middle. the middle was known as the double sided plains, for users of the gotoquiz world are not always good, but not with good at the same time. neutral, in a way. the most popular user here is the geek, a man with a challenging amount of brainpower against the king of the compaction. but, of course, even the geek himself chose not to defy the king, aware of the consiquences. instead, he and his followers choose to torment the peasant groups in boyh sides of the land to fill their urge to cause trouble or mischeif.
now, lets not forget the people who help king gotoquiz guy defend his kingdom while the king himself cannot! twould be quite rude, if i way say so. guarding the corners and hallways of the compaction were seven guards, paladins and warriors gifted with the power of the divine gods. each guadd possesed the ability to freeze ones time for a moment or two, with a sliht mana cost per use. but, that one factor keeps the balance in check. our seven guards were quite the people, all having a unique personality in each of them. bob, the gnome bard. appayipyip, the elven persuasionist. carri, the kings magician. dark, a odd cat-human tomb reader. timothy, a human warrior. selena, the way of hope as some called her. and lastly, kish, the feind shadow paladin, with a voice so cunning most of the female users swoon for no reason.
and then there were the band of heros, a large group of users that explore the fine lands of gotoquiz, seeking treasure and glory. there were five captains, the top of the group.
-IHALOY, the great sorceress. her mind is filled with great advice, so much that you couldnt put anything inside it without some advice dripping out.
- browniebunny. a younger user of gotoquiz, brownie has easily gained respect fast by showing it to others. after all, frendship is magic!
absolheart- the cat-human archer. his relaxed mood makes people think hes cast one too many illusion spells on himself.
hephstatuschild: her strength matches well with her mind, making her a force to be reconed with.
and lastly there was icee chill, the insane female butcher with just enough sanity to be kept from being locked into the dungeon of ba-an.
this is the current day of gotoquiz, and what i hope it will stay relativly exactly alike. -
*evil laugh*
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I'm in a good mode, because the Lego movie is fantastic, and there are no ponies to get mad about this week.
Lets do this.
Now, I'm not going to take the piss out of this for its plot. The plot fulfills the purpose the plot was written for; there's nothing to complain about there. It was always meant to be exposition and that's how it was written, that's fine by me.
The biggest problem you have is capitalization. In the idea that you don't have any, at all. For a quick reminder, you need to capitalize the first word of a sentence, anybody's name and any place you've mentioned. You do this so that the writing is easier to read, as well as break up things and prevent them from becoming walls of text.
The next problem is 'clunky' and sometimes contradictory phrases. Things like ruled with a iron fist, the generosity of a therapist in his heart and not always good, but not with good at the same time to name a few, are confusing, and could be said in less or more words. Either one is fine. What I mean to say is, you can't give someone or something two opposing characteristics, and when you do, that undermines what you're trying to say about them. It's bad practice.
I don't like the mention of mana. It seems out of place. Develop a better magic system or flesh out what makes mana so important in the current one.
You misspelled my name. The L comes before the A. I know my name is difficult to remember, but it is plastered on every post I make, so you kinda have no excuse.
I'd recommend proof-reading before you post. I do it before every post, and this is quite a hefty post. Just go over everything and make sure you spelled every word right, or that your ideas come across easily. It usually only takes a minute.
That about sums it up. I can't add or remove anything else, so I guess we're done here. -
OH DAYUM LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A GRAMMAR NAZI UP IN HERE
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okay then, thanks ihlaoy. :D ill edit this later...
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It's not being a grammar nazi to expect grade school level writing at the minimum, especially when the writer asked for feedback.
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Personally I liked the mana touch. Maybe that's just because I watched Fate/Stay Night or play MMOs. But mana can be used in it. I though it sounded cool.
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To me that's a grammar nazi. :P
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