Betrayal and Lies
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:28pm
Thread Topic: Betrayal and Lies
-
I posted this story in another thread, but decided that it needed its own thread. I made a few changes (okay, maybe a lot). Since I'm working on it, I'll provide a summary of characters that are already in my head later. Right now, I have to get to bed before my parents start yelling at me.
-
One of them was normal. One of them was not.
Juliet had known that since the days she had learned to walk and talk. Her sister was not a ordinary person. Fourteen-year-old Juliet, of course, was. She was average height, average weight, and had average intelligence. There was certainly nothing special about her.
Arielle, on the other hand, was completely different. One of her problems was that she weighed only five pounds. Other than that, she was completely healthy. Doctors could not figure out why or how that had happened.
Arielle also had jet-black hair that grew at least three feet overnight. Her hair had to be cut daily or else she would've darker-haired version of Rapunzel. No one could figure out why that happened.
Arielle's eyes were a shocking lime green color. Many people found it creepy and never looked her in the eye for more than a few seconds. Once, an old man had even fainted at the sight. Slowly though, over the years, most people had gotten used it. Except the unlucky tourists who had never seen such a sight before. They, too, fell unconscious at the eerie appearance.
Juliet hated to admit it, but she was jealous of her older sister. It was Arielle who got all the attention, Arielle who her mother fussed over, and Arielle who attracted tons of boys. Especially Dave Wilson, who was Juliet's crush since first grade. There was a rumor that Arielle liked Stephen Myers. But Stephen Myers was one of the only guys who wasn't completely under Arielle's spell. He liked Juliet instead.
It was all totally confusing. Arielle's crush liked Juliet, and Juliet's crush liked Arielle. However, that was not the biggest of the girls' problems.
Arielle had disappeared during the start of the previous summer, returning at the end. Juliet and her parents had been so worried. They had badgered Arielle about where she had been, but she had refused to say anything. The only thing that Juliet knew was that her sister had done things. Arielle was more serious, more cautious, and stronger. Of course, that only raised more curiosity. Still yet, Arielle had refused to say a word.
"Juliet!"
Juliet snapped out of her thoughts "Yes, Mrs. Moore?"
"Have you been paying attention to anything I've been saying for the past fifteen minutes?" the stern middle-aged history teacher demanded.
"No, ma'am," Juliet admitted, opening her textbook. "It won't happen again. I'll pay more attention to you."
Mrs. Moore continued the stand by Juliet's desk with her hands on her hips. "Why, your sister was never this much trouble. Always quiet, always alert, always turning in her work correctly."
Juliet rolled her eyes. Mrs. Moore was just another one of Juliet's teachers who talked on about Arielle and how wonderful a student she had been. "You wouldn't love her so much if you knew about the grades she's been getting this past semester," she muttered under her breath.
"What that?" Mrs. Moore snapped.
"Nothing, ma'am," Juliet said, twirling a lock of her brown hair around one finger. "Just talking to myself."
"Young lady, I assigned a paper about the Revolutionary War five minutes ago for homework. I let the class work on it now, but since you were not paying attention, I will make your paper due by the time the bell rings. If you are not done, you will have detention."
Juliet opened her mouth to protest, but Mrs. Moore cut her off.
"I am sorry, but there must be a punishment for such naughty behavior."
Naughty? Juliet thought. How is not paying attention in class naughty?
Instead, she sighed and said, "Yes, ma'am."
Mrs. Moore, apparently satisfied, went off the lecture another student, her short brown hair swinging behind her.
Juliet sighed again. No way was she going to be able to finish an entire paper in one class period. And her brother James was going to tease her again for getting into trouble. She sighed once more and took out a fresh piece of paper. -
Why does literally every paragraph (with exception of one) start with a persons name? Can you not think of a different way to start a paragraph? Other than that, the story starts out strong, but then it descends into what I personally see as you inserting yourself into the character, which rarely turns out well.
-
The character and I are hardly alike. I don't get jealous often and I don't have an older sister. I also pay attention in class and don't daydream. I've only gotten a detention a few times, occasionally.
-
Fair enough. That's just the way it comes off to me, personally. A second opinion could never hurt.
-
Well, thanks, I guess. I'll try to make the next section have less paragraphs starting with names.
-
Tell me what you think. Be honest. If you're not honest, I can't improve my writing.
-
The beginning is pretty good. The rest of the story is a decent idea, but the paragraph about Arielle's hair and everything below that isn't very good. The plot is interesting, I like that, but the writing itself is horribly structured, and I that kind of ruins the whole thing for me.
-
Thanks for being honest. I'm still working on my writing. I didn't really give this story much thought before I started it. I have a lot of rewriting to do.
-
The Author NewbieIt's a great concept, but right now, to be honest, it sounds more like a description of characters you'd write before starting the story, and then a single scene. Now, I'm not saying this is all bad. I think it's interesting. But typically when writing, you should go into the story first, and slowly let the readers in on the character's traits and appearances. For example, which would sound better out of these two?
1. Rosie had dark blonde hair and light blue eyes. She was a bit mean, and always stood up for herself. She had a huge crush on James, but refused to tell him, since he was a friend of hers. James walked up to her. "Hey," she said. "Hi," James said back.
OR
2. Rosie watched as James walked up to her, and smoothed out her dark blonde hair that had been startled by the wind. She looked at him and said, "What ddo you want?" Immediatly, she covered her mouth with her hand, in shock of what she had said. "Oh, nothing," James replied, for he was used to her snappy nature.
Do you see what I'm getting at? Neither is perfect, but with revising the firsst one, you get the second. With revising the second, you get an even better version. -
Thanks for the suggestion. I'm glad I saw this before I started re-writing it. Then I would've made another huge mistake.
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
