The Appropriate Physical Contact Quiz

This sickly-sweet, overly-caring, bathos-infested relationship calls for the Big Sappy Hug. The Big Sappy Hug is performed by wrapping both arms around the subject, pulling in tight, and making a cutesy grunting or squeezing sound as though one were doting on a puppy. The Big Sappy Hug, though sweet as a swim in Molasses Swamp, often has dark undertones. This is the hug given to adorable little boys and pug-dogs in red velvet dresses, yes, but also to the bereaved, the needy, the sick and the painfully old. The Big Sappy Hug is good when only industrial-strength empathy will scrub away those tough emotional stains, or simply when a slightly saccharine effect is desired. However, be careful when offering such a heaping helping of emotional support: your offer might be rejected, or, worse, accepted.