Mythical Love (part 1) | Comments

I have a lot of problems with this.

1. IT HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL. It could be an emotional story about a young, hormonal girl coming to terms with the fact that her father has passed away, her mom being a druggie and her brother...idk I don't know what he is yet but anyways. The girl has great friends and there could be a little innocent romance sprinkled in, but that only leads me to the following problems...

2. IT'S A LOVE STORY. And who the hell is Greg?!! I just bumped into him and he's kissing me?! I mean, Andrew was kind of cool but I'd personally friend zone him quickly because...I like girls most of the time, but Greg came out of freaking nowhere. And you didn't describe either of them, so...I don't know if they're really that attractive. And Greg has like no personality he creeps me out. The romance was really weird. You made it so my choice was either

a) Best friend who is painfully obvious or
b) Creepster

No in between choice until at the end when you gave the undecided thing and I was really confused. Might as well put me through a torture sequence of my choice and then at the end ask me if I want to live and kill me anyways.

3. LACK OF DETAIL. Nnnnnnnnnnng. I can really tell you're a teenager and that's bad.

4. MAGIC. Idk maybe it's just me but magic is a turn off. I prefer things realistic. Also it's mega forced. Like wtf. If you're gonna make it about magic, make it really about magic. Build the characters around the story, not the story an round the characters.

You have a great start! If I were you, I'd maybe explain a little more detail before rushing things, and mabe make it a bit longer before Greg introduces himself. Great job!