wish i didn't exist
- Locked due to inactivity on Apr 29, '24 3:54am
Thread Topic: wish i didn't exist
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i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm....not fine
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Is this how i want to live?
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I thought it was....
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It's now been a year and she still hasn't adopted me...it's fine I didn't expect to be adopted, I'm surprised she hasn't thrown me back in placement..
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she even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted her to ask my dhhr worker to look for another foster home and she'd keep me until they found a new one.. when she asked me I was sure I wanted to stay with her but now I wish I had asked her to find me a new foster home.
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he's always yelling at me, every time he yells more bad memories resurface, how can he make me feel so insignificant. it seems like no matter how many good things i do if i make one mistake the world ends. i tried, i really did but i don't think i can take it anymore. you shouldn't be afraid of your own parents but i am, they poisoned me over and over again yet i still put them first. why is it that in the end i'm always the one with the broken pieces? why do i try so hard to fit their mold and be perfect? i'm always there for you, i gave you my trust, my feelings, i gave you my all, but when i needed you where were you?
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before i lay my head down to sleep, a thought crosses my mind, each night i wonder the same thing, is it even worth trying? i feel like i should just give up on life, whenever i'm around you all i feel is fear. i thought you loved me but this whole time you were just manipulating me.
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the last time you yelled at me i asked myself why i haven't ran away from your f---ing house yet, honestly the only reason i could think of; because if i run and i'm found you'll surely put me back in the placements, i was afraid of going back to those placements, but now i don't care if i go back to them. I have reached my limit, the next time i'll run, i don't care if the cops come, i don't, i just want you to try me so i can go.
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i'm so good at wearing this mask, it's pretty isn't it, but it's fake, you say you love me but you can't see through my mask.
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i'm actually at my breaking point, the therapy doesn't help, it's my fault, i don't want to put in the effort to fix myself and i sure as hell don't want to tell you my worst memories, i don't even trust you.
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i've started self harming, i actually tried to commit suicide, my thoughts are twisted and dark, the things i think aren't normal. i have psychopathic tendencies, i need help, i know i do, but i'd rather fall, i like the suffering, does it feel good to see me fall, i hope it does because you'll regret this in the end.
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i have nothing to live for, i have nothing to lose so why not? why not?
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it hurts
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you don't understand me, stop saying you do, i told you i was otherkin and you laughed at me and said it wasn't real and it was just fake. then you had the nerve to say that being otherkin was worshipping the devil, just leave me alone i get so tired of being there for everyone. you know what i hope you have a bad day, i hope you lose your job, i hope you give up on me just like everyone else.
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