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- Locked due to inactivity on Nov 26, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: No Subject
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I've been having a lot of anxiety, lately. The smallest things make me worry. Everything has been stressful and there's been almost no one to help me. I'm not eating well, either. I try to eat, but eating makes me feel sick unless it's something I shouldn't be eating. Eating actual food is hard, but it's incredibly easy to eat a bunch of cookies.
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Sleep is a thing I seldom get, these days. I'm too stressed to get any sleep, really. I just stay up and cry.
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I've found that my medicine doesn't really work. I may be immune to it all. No matter what I try, it never works. I'm supposed to see the doctor, soon, but I doubt she'll do anything but try to put me on another medicine for the umpteenth time. This is why I didn't even bother with the anxiety medicine.
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I don't really know what to do with myself, and everyone is hating me for this. My boss told me I needed to get checked out since I'm having so many issues with not being depressed. But, I am getting checked out, and I'm an enigma to my doctor, who struggles to find a solution to this problem. People get tired of me because I ruin their mood by being depressed around them and crying all the time.
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It hurts to know that I might not even be able to fix this. My doctor said this borderline personality disorder doesn't respond to medicine because it's a pattern of my own thinking, but I can't even start to figure out how to help it. I'm really upset with myself and angry that I have this problem. I try not to say much to anyone but they always call me "sick in the head" or something along those lines if this becomes visible. They never know why it is the way it is, but the few people I tried to tell only dug deeper into that wound, knowing that this was an issue I was working with and shaming me for having this problem in the first place.
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I can't keep or make friends, if I ever have any to begin with. The worst part of something is when you know the bad thing is going to happen, and all you can do is sit there and watch, not knowing how to stop it.
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I don't even really ask for advice anymore since no one halfway gives it, anyway. And the people I ask advice from are the people who disregard absolutely everything about me, also forgetting the fact that I'm not them and might not be able to do things the way they expect/want me to. There's an exception, but other than that, it's hopeless.
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It's really hard to be here when everyone has been taking what I say the wrong way. It makes me anxious to talk to others or even just to myself because of this. So I try not to talk at all. I hate talking, now.
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I feel unbearably depressed, today. Everything has seemed so pointless.
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I feel worthless. People treat me like I'm nothing. My boss treats me like I'm her slave. My friends don't treat me at all because I have none.
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Being ignored might be better than the first two things, but then again, it's similar to the first thing.
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It's okay, though. I won't be here forever. And then, they don't have to ignore me because I truly won't be here.
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Being here is torture enough. I've been here all this time and nothing has gotten better. I don't really know anyone here, nor do I spend much enjoyed time with them, so it really doesn't make a difference if I leave.
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I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to get out of here, since it'll take a long while, but thinking it out, now, doesn't hurt, and I have time before...well...the point is to leave as quickly as possible. Still, money makes it hard to...
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I don't know how to do this. Getting anxious again...
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