you shouldve killed me, it wouldve hurt less
- Locked due to inactivity on Jan 28, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: you shouldve killed me, it wouldve hurt less
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i just feel like hell all the time, ive barely been able to leave my bed and i feel so alone. i know nobody gives a s--- even though people constantly say otherwise. and i know i should move on and forget about them but i cant just stop loving someone or just stop wanting to feel their embrace. ive tried so hard to get my mind off of things but nothing works, and i cant handle it. i wanna end it. but steven just gives me s--- anytime i text him and its all very true but why should i care how it affects them? they want nothing to do with me and im surrounded by strong people who will be fine. but, its never a topic you can win. if i had one, i wouldve done it already. write a letter, deliver it, then walk into the woods somewhere until someone finds me. i dont want to think about other people and how theyd feel, i want to care about how i feel. thats such a selfish thing to say but its true. i just stopped giving a s--- after you left, and id do anything to just try and fix it or whatever but thats not what you want. you just want me gone and it only goes to show that everyone will be better off without me. i feel like such an idiot, and i cant word how much i hate myself right now. but im forced to be here for other people? so they don't feel bad? so that i dont upset someone who resents me and turned their back on me because they couldnt be honest with themself or with me when i asked if they were happy. i didnt do everything right but i f---ing tried and you couldnt even acknowledge that, you didnt even want to work with me. and it still baffles me how not wanting to cheat = a breakup. no trust. whatever in the f--- you said, i just have to go off what i remember which i shouldnt try and i should forget you and everything but i f---ing cant. maybe you were right but you never gave me a goddamn chance. and then you just left and i dont know what to do with myself. i loved you so much and i put all my effort into you and i dont think you understand how much it f---ing killed me. i dont even know how many hours i cried over it, id wake up crying or wake up to a tear covered pillow. the nights i couldnt sleep because i spent all night on what ifs and fantasies of everything magically coming back together. there are points where i didnt know if i was actually crying or it was just a dream, jesus f--- i hate my dreams. i wish id never dream again, and i wish theres no afterlife. i just want to be done. i dont care if im a coward or whatever, i cant do this anymore.
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i really want to forget it, but i cant. i cant contact and if i try im afraid of the consequences. maybe just for one final hoo rah, id do it. but i guess until then ill be working on the rough draft. i hate the thought of it but at this point i dont care what they say. and apparently it doesnt matter what they say either, my body refuses to accept their words
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i feel so cold and alone and if third time isnt the charm then thats fine, at least ill do something right. i guess ill have to plan it out, which is something ive always said id never do. but here i am. in my green sloth notebook, writing plans to leave and not come back. but who cares? i guess that's part of the point, but i couldnt answer someone if they asked me why. im never able to give a straight response, and i know thats the reason but if they could only feel what im feeling. who knows, maybe ill get lucky and just be in a coma for a few years. or maybe ill hit the jackpot and not hit any holes in the plan. its the best thing for everyone and if this last attempt doesnt work then i give up. maybe i should go out with a bang. i have a few ideas for this last attempt but what would it be? a small collection of things i hope will invigorate something thats trying to be silently killed in the back watching the sunset? its never enough but if this attempt doesnt work ill make sure my next move wont be a failure. kind of ironic, actually.
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:(
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dont mind me just spewing s---
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at this point im going to skip the plan altogether and just go with the conclusion
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yeah so its all a bust. i wish i had a legit reason not to but all i can think of are reasons why i should. reasons why itd be better for everyone. did i really mess it up that badly? it doesnt f---ing matter now so whats the point? whats the point of anything?
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One reason you shouldn’t - we will miss you 🥺
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nobody will miss me
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what am I chopped liver
I mean I am but 🤣
I would -
hey johnnie
I know we're not close, but I'm here for you if you need to talk. I know it's hard right now, but you will adjust to this pain eventually. please give it time. -
it seems like i can't be happy, and no matter what i have to give it more time. im tired of never feeling like im good enough to even be alive and im tired of forcing myself to eat and get up. and nothing ever works, nothing helps. no wonder they always leave, theres nothing good to stay for
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i like attention, yeah. not a lot, but it just kills me when people dont notice me. i act fine with it but i can tell it seeps into a lot of my actions, which i apologise for. i never mean to threaten harm or make it seem like im doing it for attention. ive genuinely been in a bad place lately and its been so hard, my mind just goes to whats familiar. i cant get rid of these thoughts or urges and its best to express them rather than keep them bottled up. i know i deal with my issues in some of the most unhealthy ways ever, but in the end it is my body, my choice. if my choices ever affect someone else or hurt someone other than me, please say something to me. i know im being selfish lately and ive been pretty extreme in my feelings, thinking that it's excused by recent events or recent states of well being. truthfully, im just trying to recover how i know. im not good at communicating with people but i know one of the best resources one can have is somebody willing to listen or help. and as many people as there is to support me and be here for me, i can never help but feel alone. i can't help but question why they're doing it and start to stop trusting them.
i just meant for this to turn into a little apology for those who might be worried or concerned because of my recent actions/words, but it turned into a little rant. im gonna go eat but i hope you all have a netter day -
im at least making progress. ive begun actually focusing my time and attention to other things, but i also can't stop. maybe in time i'll be able to, but ive got to look at the ground below me. take it day by day and night by night. on the up side, i started talking to them again. why did i ever stop? oh, yeah, well im done with that. that ship sailed and i was lucky enough to get thrown overboard. though now it's just a blue abyss with nothing solid to grasp
idk these metaphors get weird sometimes -
why do i always do this? its the same s--- over and over and it always ends up the same, with me getting hurt by myself. i mean why do i always get my hopes up? im absent minded and unintelligent, and i just mess everything up. im sick of having hope and constantly getting f---ing kicked in the gut. i just want it to stop
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