I'm going to be completely honest with you all.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:35pm
Thread Topic: I'm going to be completely honest with you all.
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I'm not happy. I may seem like the fun, kind user but in real life, I am a wreck. There is one thing that only Ann (funniebunnie01) knows the shortened and it is the actual reason for most of my troubles. I can try to pin it on my actual home life but I'm lying to myself when I say it's all because of my mom and my brother's dad and my brother.
When I was younger, maybe 12 or 13, I had a cousin who would use a wide array of derogatory terms to belittle me and make me believe that I was less than I was. She would hit me here and there and was always relatively a bad cousin. She was either 9 or 10 at the time which is why this story is so hard to tell. I had to stay at my great aunt's with her while our mothers went out for a day of shopping. I was hopeful that everything would be alright and that there was no need to worry. I was wrong. Once we were to go play together, the names and the teasing started. It wasn't pleasant and I tried defending myself but I came to no avail. There was the first time I ever used a cuss word when I went as far as calling her a b----. I felt proud but then, things grew more malicious. She pounced and pinned me to the ground, eyeing me with intent in her eyes. I was helpless, since at that time, I was frail and held little to no muscle. She was bulkier than I and therefore owned more strength than I did. She proceeded to touch me in my private areas and to make me do things to her. It was horrible. It was as though I was some kind of puppet for her to toy with. Thankfully, my clothes were never taken from my body, but she went as far as pulling her shirt up and shoving her chest in my face. That was when my great aunt approached the room to ask us what we wanted for lunch, and of course, she collected herself and made it seem as though everything was okay. The ordeal lasted at least 15 minutes or more and I felt disgusting and dirty.
I wish I would have told someone because I keep thinking about it. There's some kind of guilt over not telling as now, she has attempted suicide twice and definitely has a mental illness of some sort. How am I supposed to explain something like that? I feel fake, pretending to have sympathy but really enjoying the idea of her being so conflicted in her own life. How am I to say to someone that their daughter did something like that to me? And I can't help but fear the denial or the idea that I am lying. It eats away at me because why was I the one to go through that?
Sometimes I take more pain medication than I should because I know it will help me sleep for a long time, but when it doesn't, I just take more. I don't want to be the girl consumed by first pain meds, but the the worse pills and whatnot. Though I trust myself not to go that far, I never really know. Sometimes I find myself on the brink of an anxiety attack in the middle of Algebra 2 because I think think think about it. It's like a parasite, feeding off of me until Im2drained and want nothing to do with anything. Sometimes I can't do my work because I'm absolutely consumed by why why why why why. It's terrible and I usually find myself growing upset or anxious or depressed and I fear that if I act out on these emotions, my peers will find out.
Why am I telling you this, you ask? I thought it was the time and I look to GoToQuiz as the family I never had, complete with sisters and brothers that I would have never found otherwise. I need help. I'd so appreciate it if you could help. -
Motherf---er, I can't talk right now because this is serious s--- that requires all of my attention and I'm currently at work. But I'm here for you. Let's talk later, okay? Be strong.
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I'm here for you as well. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and if you need someone to talk, please feel free to contact me. I have Kik, Skype and e-mail in case you wish to talk privately. This is some serious stuff you're dealing with. I also have to leave very soon, but please know that you have my sympathy and best wishes.
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^ Same, but I only have Kik. It's Ashton5SOS2002.
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I don't think there's any definite answer someone here can give you, but listening could help? If you'd like, email me at neonpinetree[@]gmail.com, and I'll see if I can find some help resources for situations like that in the meantime.
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